Previous diaries:  
Tuesday 01/05/99
Esche odin primer "judging from the outside"
(first was Lizards in Turtledove) - Rude Awakening -
"ja ne znaju, kak vy, negolubye, eto delaete".
Chuvak prislal email 'add me to the ring'.
Dumaju - sajt tak sebe, chego ego dobavl'at.
Potom - ladno, let's do as Love does.
I bac - srazu benefit - more sites in the ring - good for
exposure. Plus, the sites I've added are listed below me -
so I improve my position. In fact, the webmaster who actively
administers is rewarded with higher rank!
(Interesting form of samoupravlenie!)
Regarding "guilt that I am not doing something else".
I am single tasking. Thus, whenever I am doing one thing, there's
49 others that I am NOT doing - no matter how useful and interesting
they may be. That's just how it is. Accept it and find peace with it.

Wednesday 01/06/99
Annoyance drugimi begins kogda u men'a chto-to ne poluchaets'a.
Sol ?
Take a break, maybe.
There's that feeling of emptiness when project is over.
What to do then ?

Thursday 01/07/99
Inogda delaju dl'a drugih, taschus', vrem'a prohodit - i terpenija
men'she (osobenno, kogda slushaju).
Debugging - neterpenie may jump up if prg doesn't right correctly
the first time (and it usually doesn't).
Sol - read the code over before 1st launch.
(O, done with GRID.KEX and found 1 bug)
Sol #2 - make 1st run in TRACE mode.

Esche razdr kogda otladka ne ladits'a, a vokrug - zvuki (puki).
Realizacija (slushaja 'Krematorij') - russkaja muzyka zhiva,
i budet vsegda!

Kstati, esli sravnivat' chisto po zvuku, russkaja uzh nikak ne huzhe
'generation X' muzona.
Neskol'ko fil'mov zatragivajut problemu "zhizn' posle smerti blizkogo":
'City of angels', 'Patch Adams' i esche etot, pro restoran v pustyne,
gde brat i sestra rabotali i ona razbilas' na cikle.
Possible sol for 'expectation' - do not check, let results
surprise you when they reach :)
Be aware of the variety/harmony - when I dive into one task
and just keep doing it till the cows come home, I may feel
empty when done - and good feeling can evaporate at some point.
"Find that special someone inside yourself, and
the special someone you belong with will find you!"
Here may be a good way to check results.
For example, reply to personal ad would come to
Well, don't go there until you are going to post something
or expecting other message to that address.
It's like balancing giving and 'asking for'.
Telephone calls are very good for balance - usually the caller
has something completely different in mind - so I can distract
and balance.
Focus on harmony - not on the fact that my activity was interrupted.
Thanks to him, I have a chance to feel better and do my stuff better
When doing 'go thru all emails', I can get really stuck on
the one that's hard to answer.
Quality of email improves whern I actively send too - perhaps
because I get replies to what *I* want to know!

Friday 01/08/99
Pozitivnyj aspekt togo, chto preryvajut, kogda komu-to pomogaju -
mozhno uvil'nut' ot problemy.

Monday 01/11/99
Example of "you attract what you fear" - worrying about tomorrow
you may blow the chance for happy today, and thus bring on
the unsuccessfull tomorrow!
Pozitivnyj moment - kogda chego-to javno NE hochets'a, vpolne
vozmozhno, chtp est' zan'atija, kotorye privlekajut.

Tuesday 01/12/99
Sometimes it just helps to remind myself "There's nothing
useful about worrying".

And another one - there's no time to worry.
Right now I am doing this.
When time comes, I will do that.
Until then, doing one thing and thinking about another
is unproductive and doesn't feel good :)

I guess this also boils down to being in the moment.
Aware of the present tense, what I am doing right now and
what's happening around me.
Faith also can help. For example, I believe that Sun will come up,
though the night is long and dark.
I'd like to believe in myself the same way - I'll find a solution
to whatever happens - just as I always have.
Sajty tipa DC/EU - consider this - perhaps "podnazhits'a" was the
jump-start, which brought development into motion.
Now they are more than that, esp EU.
Besides, they are not likely to major source of income, even if they
do work (remember, most succ amazon week was $7).
So, perhaps I can take it easier and enjoy side benefits -
something to do, traffic, emails, compliments, muzon, new contacts,
new findings.
When I'm calm, telefonnyj razgovor flows and ends naturally.

(Perechityvaju vecherom - srazu oprovergaets'a stereotip,
deksat' "ja ves' den' zagnival". Kak vidish', ne ves'!)
Poshel flow, kogda ja otpravils'a v vending room - nachal awareness
zvukov i togo chto vizhu + l'udej, razgovory, odezhdu.
Slowed down and have been flowing since :)
Nervnichaju kogda sur'eznaja zadacha (pri nem) i ne uveren, kak
Hot'a, chto kasaets'a programm, to konechno reshu, just a matter of
Parallel' mezhdu meditacijami:
'become aware of the thought, then let it go' vs.
'be aware of what you see and hear, then let them go and
remain open'.
Balance primenim k lichnoj zhizni tozhe - what's the balance
between 'calling every day' and 'let it wait... and then let
it pokryts'a pyl'ju'.
Stranno, kogda odin, beru polnuju otvetstvennost' za svoe
vrem'provozhdenie. Kogda s kem-to, raskatyvaju gubu, iza-za togo, chto oni
ne uchastvujut.

Thursday 01/14/99
V holodil'nike moja RC Cola, ee ponemnogu rastaskivajut.
1) Put a sign s cherepom.
2) Consider it giving (heh, also popularizing the drinks I like).
Frustrating kogda hichego ne hochets'a - oschuschenie kak budto kogo-to
(seb'a) ubezhdaju, a on vse predlozhenija otvergaet.

Friday 01/15/99
Notice the pattern - together others may laugh at something I do, but once
separated, turns out that some are calm about it and others
privately feel the same way I do!
Happened today at work when guys laughed at me for watching
"Dawson's Creek".

Yet note that I feel like proving they are wrong - naprimer
sejchas igraet "I don't f**k you" pesn'a - i ja vrode taschus'
ot nee bol'she chem obychno - kak by pokazyvaja, chto grubo
muzhskoe nam ne chuzhdo. Vprochem, tot kto men'a znaet, v etom by
i ne stal somnevats'a.
Ja voobsche raznostoronn'aja natura.
"Eto takaja natura - bol'nicy, poseschenija... Vot vam gonorar".

Saturday 01/16/99
About no 'eurodance' on VH-1. Well, this channel is just once
ONE website - consider how little it is. Even 30 channel DMX (which
btw is also tiny in Web standards) has eurodance!
Line between controlling feelings and repressing it is fine indeed.

As I may have noted before, there IS a minus in sharing negative feelings:
1) I sort of affirm them (thus making them more of reality).
2) They also carry inerciju - may hold on to bad feelings by trying
to be consistent. Like, I said that I feel bad, so now I have to
act accordingly.
Confirmed again - "nothing to do" is "Can do this and that, but not motivated'.

Monday 01/18/99
Expectation - "get the same as before, and then some".
Thus, plank is being raised, even when there are no reasons
to expect more.

Vz'at' tot zhe amazon - hochets'a, chtob byla uspeshnaja nedel'a
(zhelatel'no, rekordnaja), dazhe esli ja nichego biznovogo ne delal
v predyduschuju nedel'u.
A esli delal, to voobsche rezul'taty dolzhny byt'.. uh!
Reality - they not necessary are. As far as commercial feedback
is concerned, delo po-prezhnemu novoe, neosvoennoe - a lot like
shooting in the dark.

Chto delat' ? When checking monthly report, set goal -
"ne men'she nul'a" :)
Actually, it's more like lottery than like growing biz.

Wednesday 01/20/99
Tot fakt, chto men'a pomn'at na IRC, dazhe posle dlinnyh
pereryvov - eto bol'shoj kompliment mne.

Thursday 01/21/99
Detecting "this doesn't serve me" - start doing something and see
what you feel before comitting.
Example - checking outpost stats - felt anxiety
(though still want to check, I KNOW results are not likely to
be good)
Then, rather than dwelling on it, try to distract with something else.
Observing annoynance:
"I started making CDR, NT froze, after reset it didn't see CD-RW drive...
feel annoyed - chto za prihvaty ?"
Kogda chem-to uvlekajus', nepon'atno - kak mozhno tratit' vrem'a
na chto-to drugoe ?

Monday 01/25/99
Vicious circle of achievement: made small step - never mind,
go to next one. Completed the whole project - short joy and
then wait again - for the approval.
Approval didn't come - the whole thing feels like failure.
Solution - radovats'a kazhdomu shagu. Take time, slow down and
enjoy small victories - THEY ARE ALL THERE IS!!
Computer stuff is just like regular things - for example,
take scanner. If I badly needed it, surely I'd figure out
how to get it to work. But I don't - so it's not even important
enough do worry about.

Though there's state "neploho by soskanirovat marku Ayn
Rand, no, bl**d', scanner ne idet".
I ne nastol'ko hochets'a ego chinit'...
Well, another sol would be to ubrat' etu marku s glaz,
chtob ne napominala.
Confirmed - kodga kodiruju chto-to novoe, dikoe oschuschenie
vazhnosti i fokusa. Ochen' klassno.
I etogo u nas ne otn'at' - budem kodirovat' do pensii, i posle :)

Tuesday 01/26/99
Primer bitvy s real'nost'ju. Ja dobivajus' uspeha, kogda moja energija
idet v mir. No inogda ja hochu uspeha, dazhe ne trat'a (i ne hot'a tratit'
Rabota kak alkogol' - chuvstvo vazhnosti may not remain
afterwards, but it sure is nice while it lasts.
Nabl'udenie - nashel bol'shoj bug v NL/Y2000, naverno dolgo budu
chinit'. Oschuschenie - "est' vazhnoe delo... chem by esche zan'ats'a ?" :)

Wednesday 01/27/99
To chto, ja vojuju za maloizvestnyh (euro muzyka, mopedu)
could be part of a trend "boleju za slabogo".
It would be good to hang out with other HTML authors/form rippers :)

Friday 01/29/99
Primer Mivascript - ja na nego brosils'a, potom zastr'al i
sejchas predvizhu chto nichego i ne budu delat' - r'adom
lezhit raspechatka, a mne na nee stydno smotret'.
*Moved it the drawer - ishod'a iz togo, chto neprijatnye mysli -
ne ot duha*.
BG: "Maets'a, maets'a, to greshit, to kaets'a - a vse ne priznaets'a,
chto vse delo v nem".
Another example of 'mir - moj'. When I was behind OS/2, it reached
the ultimate height, culminating in Warp 3.0.
(And note - I joined it when it wasn't yet a good system - with 2.0)
When I left for Win95, OS/2 spiralled down, reaching the ultimate low -
counts lower than Mac, too low for statistics.
Variation on time distortion - Sare nuzhna mne byla pomosch',
mne bylo len' i ja otgovorils'a. Sejchas volnujus'.
Cel' - uspokoits'a.
Predstav', chto eto bylo god nazad - kak eto vazhno na segodn'ashnij
den' ? Not really :)
Once again, becoming aware of actions.
There's email. Savor every message - it's something to do.
It's the salvation against the ultimate enemy: boredom.

Wednesday 02/03/99
Uluchshaem nastroenie - look at the good things that are happening:
1) Novyj vidik
Skip commercials, dub
2) Novyj telik - works pretty well
WebTV in window :)
"Honor the past, live the present, create the future"

Thursday 02/04/99
When looking for something selfless to do, don't have to go
far - just look around - for every person there must be something
I promised or was going to do.

Pick person, if nothing comes to mnd, move on - don't get stuck.
Come up with a way to avoid overload in scenario "here's a task...
I don't wanna do it... here's another one - nah... etc".
Kogda nechego delat' - appreciate those who ask me a favor,
because they give me something to do.
Mood improvement: suddenly in the midst of tasks I feel
usefulness (and that I am right:)

Friday 02/05/99
Chitaju knigu.
Oni podherkivajut connection (zh) vs indepence (m).
Govorili s Anej - ona govorit, chto zhenschina hochet
Ja skazal, chto ja by skoree hotel obladat'.
Yet, the two are interrelated - even the inaminate things I
own and take from - I also give to.

Monday 02/08/99
If you're to emphasize with woman's feelings,
how are you to avoid clobbering yourself with negative
facts/memories ?
Possible rule of thumb for 'flow of good': "Received one ? Give two!".

Wednesday 02/10/99
When you have some things you SHOULD do, just start on one of them -
once you're in motion, it's quite likely that you'll remember things
that you WANT to do :)

Or I can get interested - in which case objective is ALSO achieved.

Can we apply same principle to reading snail mail/email ?

Use laziness to avoid overload - while in one task, waiting
on some aspect, relax and be lazy about other tasks :)
Zagnivanie/nevroz mogut proishodit ot togo, chto nastojaschee
smeshivaets'a s drugimi vremenami.
Naprimer, novyj komputer buzit:
"Proshloe - blin, nepravil'no vybral, zr'a sekonomil".
"Buduschee - kak zhe teper' ? Vozvraschat' vozn'a, kak chinit' nepon'atno,
a sroki ustanovleny".

Fact - past is written. The comp I have right now, I deal with.
One issue at a time also.
Fact - future changes every second. Depending on the mood, picture
of future changes totally. And then it turns out nothing like I expected
anyway :)

Thursday 02/11/99
Malen'kie zadanija dajut shans vyjti iz loop.
When doing something and there are other interesting things
to do, take them as an ego boost.
V odnoj job podlomilis' resps, nado chinit' - and really does
feel like it's important, though deep down I know - it isn't :)

But - familiar feeling - chin'u etu rabotu i pojavl'ajuts'a
drugie zhelanija, naprimer dobavit' igru v 3D!
Transfer from "nothing to do" to "must do this" - become aware
of positive change - "there is something".
Automatic reaction - annoyance, but it's not based on reality,
rather on thought "nechego delat', a esche i eto nado delat'" - see the
absurdity ?
When I don't feel like doing anything, lower the requirements - if
something came to mind, it's a reason enough to do it.
Besides, I can't really predict whether it will be fun
or not - so trying it IS the way!

Saturday 02/13/99
Comp is very much like a woman - may appear to have problem,
while all it really needs is attention.
When sharing, share a GOOD thing - then if they don't want, I
can use it myself :)
Example of expectation:
I posted winning tip to alt.windows98 (setting IP to speed
up booting). There's response in my mailbox. I EXPECT it to
be praise. The scale is skewed - praise is taken as norm,
while everything else is below par.
Re: Art Bell.
You may say "there's lot of weirdos around".
Don't know, haven't seen many. I do know that there
are LOTS of sceptics around.

Monday 02/15/99
It's not where I am, it's what I feel and do.
Thus, rabota pravil'naja, esli ja chuvstvuju seb'a horosho
i uchus'.

Tuesday 02/16/99
Positive application for task jumping - if I am stuck/frustrated,
can switch to a task where success is guaranteed - perhaps even
a chore. When done, can go back with one burden off my shoulders.
Expectation - lower it by applying the realistic view.
That is, rephrase depending on PROBABILITY, rather than DESIRE.
Example: from "I gotta win this time, I'd better!" to
"It's still 30% chance". Then, when my luck is over 30%, I have
every reason to be pleased!
When expecting 100%, it will be much, much lower, resulting in

Heck, even in a lucid dream control of surroundings is not complete -
in one dream I was fighting 4 guys and though I held my ground, I
couldn't annihilate them.
In real life, control ranges between little and non-existent.
That's how it is and moreover that's how it should be.
Self-control is the way.
Fixing is good - even with inherent frustration, it does seem to
give a feeling of purpose.
When feeling inadequate because I don't know what others are talking
about, there are two reasonable things to do:
Think - is this something I'D LIKE to learn ? If yes, get interested
and full steam ahead.
If not, calm down - I don't know by choice. Restore the esteem by reminding
yourself the tremendous amount of things you DO know.

Fact - nobody is an expert in ALL areas.
Be proud of what you do know and expand the knowledge
into areas that interest you.
Progress - even staying with one language, I progress.
Algorithms that used to confuse me are now crystal clear.
Coding speed is incredible. Processing any text file is
absolutely a piece of cake.
Also, the editor is more convenient than ever.
And face it - for text processing, there is no better language
than REXX.
Perl is clumsy, Icon not often accessible and popular
languages just make it too hard to handle strings (as a result,
there's not much desire to bother).

Wednesday 02/17/99
Theory - we live to dream.
Assuming that:
1) Gotta keep living - noone can guarantee you'll still be able
to dream after you die.
2) Need to stay in good health and good emotional state, so
dreams remain pleasant.
3) Also, remain in good shape financially, so you can afford good
accomodations, music while you sleep and 2).
4) Might as well have as much fun as you can while awake - since
you HAVE to stay awake before you want to sleep again.
5) Justifies sleeping as a pasttime - if you can fall asleep and
not missing anything terribly important, it's a great way to
spend free time.
Kogda slushaju muzyku i kto-to boltaet na zadnem plane, predstav', chto
eto - pevcy. Tem bolee, chto ne po-russki :)
Balans - kogda ne hochu, chtoby kto-to konkretnyj zvonil,
ochen' radujus', kogda eto okazyvaets'a kto-to drugoj :)
Doing the good thing may be useful regardless of your
motivation - for example:
Fakt: Prishla uborschica
Chuvstvo: Blin, otvlekajut men'a
Dejstvie: Pomogaju ej opustoshit' korzinki
Rezul'tat: Ona uhodit bystree / Mne est' chem zan'ats'a vo-vrem'a
Example of how much I really know - just read c:\page\win95.htm
Good heavens, what a wealth of info!!!

Monday 02/22/99
Pishu programmu blackjack, otryvauut i dajut zadanie.
Aware - situacija diko pozitivnaja:
+ Est' poleznoe delo
+ Est' uvlechenie

I can get annoyed at it or I can be damned happy - because
that's the best it gets as far as reality goes!

Tuesday 02/23/99
Good situation - znaju, chem zan'ats'a posle raboty (pojti v kazino)
i znaju, chto mozhno delat' sejchas - read about blackjack/videopoker
at WWW/usenet.
Realistic expectation - consider slot machine - it's very
unlikely that I'll get a big hit on any given roll. So,
I don't expect it.
Later in the day: seemingly bad - problems with the program,
but actually good - gives me something to do before I go

Wednesday 02/24/99
Me, not programming graphics - one of the punktikov - never
done it, feel insecure.
Delaju video poker - ochen' uvlechen, i terrorist
(pylesoschik) dazhe ne ochen' razdrazhaet!
Vse v sebe!

And opposite example - when encountering unexpected
errors, annoyance level jumps up and suddenly all who come in -
enemies of the state.

Thursday 02/25/99
Kogda smotrish' na zarplatu i vidish', chto ee ne podn'ali,
mozhno radovats'a kak Fedor: "O, kalabaha!"
Kogda ja othozhu ot zerkala s mysl'ju "Blin, nu i vidon",
ostanovis' u sledujsuchego zerkala - uvidish', chto sovsem ne
tak ploho (mozhet byt' drugoe osveschenie ili prosto tot fakt,
chto stereotipy razrushajuts'a).

Friday 02/26/99
Prochital rasskaz "In the presence of my enemies" - pro evreev
v 2009m godu, posle pobedy Germanii.
"And so the tale gets told once more"
"And so we try to go on for another generation.
We've outlasted so much. God willing, we'll outlast the Nazis too".
Harmony - poslushal paru soobschenij na voicemaile i snova zahotelos'
Perhaps, you don't have to take of entire thing at once -
as long as you use "razmnozhenie s operezheniem" :):)

(That is, "one thing broke - fix two").
Deep Impact - mozhet smeshivaja mirovuju katastrofu s lichnymi
dramami oni pytajuts'a sdelat' fil'm interesnym dl'a oboih polov ?
Didn't work for me - I'm all for private life, but if that's what you do,
stick to it - do not try to add end of the world to make things
more interesting.
Quite likely is that Harmony IS the elusive element you need for
peace of mind.
This explains why there's no recipee "do this and you'll be
calm" - there's no single thing that will bring you peace,

Tuesday 03/02/99
There are ALWAYS things to do - it's just that sometimes
I start on one, it seems too complicated and I sort of get
out of sync.
Confirmed again that appetit prihodit vo-vrem'a edy -
nachal vosstanavlivat' fajly na powersurge - poputno zahotelos'
sdelat' migalku dl'a te'efona.
Observing annoyance: vosstanavlivaju fajly na powersurge,
chuvstvuju razdr, chto voobsche eto prihodits'a delat'.
Dvigaju myshkoj, provod zastrevaet, k'u usilivaets'a.

Wednesday 03/03/99
Programming - sometimes when code gets more and more like spaghetti,
it is a good idea to revert to older version and clear, simple
idea may come!

Friday 03/05/99
State of hack - fast typing, creative thinking, calm,
relaxed breathing.
This state can be reached even doing other's projects - once
I dive deep in.
Realizacija - a voobsche, ja neploho ustroils'a!
Svoboda, otlichnaja apparatura, CD-RW, muzychka... :)
A Alisa-to, kapital'no poet!!
Zdorovo, sejchas ja mogu pochti vse ih slushat' - a odno
vrem'a nichego krome pervogo diska ne priznaval.

(Later - zan'atno, perechityvaju zhurnal i kak raz igraet
"Vse eto - rok-n-roll").
Interesno, ja delal novyj dizajn dl'a 3dgames, v processe
ne ochen' nravilos', a kogda dodelal - zataschils'a!
It all fit in place and looks great!

Monday 03/08/99
Note change from "I'm willing to learn" to "Why should I ?"
when I am confronted with the fact that I don't know
something (or even think about such confrontation).
When I don't want to fix/replace something, because I don't
want to admit that's it's hopeless, perhaps setting a timeout
would make sense.
Say, a week passed and I can say that: "Ok, it's hopeless
enough for me not wanting to mess with it". Then I get replacement.
It's strange when the band drops off the charts, tv and radio, yet
it still exists..

Tuesday 03/09/99
Primer, togo, chto knigi pravy - utro, ja prishel na rabotu,
prosypajus' koe-kak, zhenschiny balakajut, a mne eto sovsem
ne v kajf, dazhe slushat' ne hochu - nadevaju naushniki.
Probleski spokojstvija - vchera ja chto-to delal i vremenami
chuvstvoval, chto spokuha, vse budet v por'adke, kak by medlenno
ja ne prodvigals'a.
When task is done and there's moment of indecision, something
like checking web counters is first reaction.
And needless to say, if counters are low, state doesn't improve :}
Primer "mind over matter": nechego bylo delat', vdrug prishla
otlichnaja ideja - i tut zhe 2 juzera poprosili pomoschi.
To figure out what you want, separate other's desire's from your own -
peel them like an onion.

Thursday 03/11/99
Interesno - ves' den' chinili to da se, rvals'a k svoemu kopmu.
Nakonec dorvals'a, a chego delat', ne znaju :)
Neterpenie works both ways. Kogda prihodit dvornik,
ja ne mogu dozhdats'a, poke on perestanet shumet'.
A kogda mne nado propylesosit' komp, ne mogu dozhdats'a,
poka kollegi zamolchat, chtoby ja smog spokojno pogrohotat'.

Friday 03/12/99
Perfect mix - mne nado delat' chto-to vazhnoe, ja etim zanimajus',
a poputno prihod'at interesnye idei i ja otvlekajus' :)

Monday 03/15/99
When done with a task, what's better - jump at the next one
(provided I have something in mind) or pause and think
what the next best thing is ?

Tuesday 03/16/99
Primer togo, kak ja naprashivajus' na peregruzku - predstoit
slozhnaja conversion, dumaju zalezt' v email, make sure that
Tiffany is ok with the fact that we messed up her computer.
See, looking somewhere else for assurance in current task - and
if doesn't come, I have double the load.
Kasseta New Age - klass! Tol'ko ja nachinaju vzvinchivats'a,
a muzyka mne napominaet, chto luchshe byt' spookojnym.
"Where I came from, there's always music in the air".
Negative name recognition is an example of how "bad publicity
is better than none".
Examples: Memorex, rocketmail.
Horoshij sposob ostanovit' "nado volnovats'a, a to zabudu" -
if there's nothing useful I can do at the moment, set the scheduler
Example of distortion - since CPHONE is bankrupt, I assumed
t hey never updated their soft - but they did.
Phone rings, I think - hey, wouldn't be bad if it was ***
this time!
But it wasn't :)
I expect others to contact me at the right time - but how could
they possibly know ?
Going back to what I was doing before interruption could be a good
way of avoiding overload - because number of tasks shrinks when
I do that.

Also watching a task (like webpage upload) could be a way to relax -
watch then close the window - one task less.

Soothing music helps too - that New Age cassette I recorded
is priceless!
Faith - perhaps it helps to realize the importance of
Without it, it's just "oh, in between all the important tasks,
perhaps I should spend a little time calming down".

Thursday 03/18/99
Walking fine line between "don't want to do anything" to
"this is so important, I'll fall apart if this is not done!".
Pochuvstvoval, chto narastaet stress, poshel i pomeditiroval s vodoj.
Parallel' mezhdu temperaturoj vody i garmoniej:
nenadolgo prijatna holodnaja voda, nenadolgo - gor'achaja.
Komfortabel'nee vsego teplaja, no cherez nekotoroe vrem'a ja
ee uzhe ne zamechaju!

Friday 03/19/99
Rabota pomogaet ot volnenija - nado rabotat' ili po krajnej
mere pritvor'ats'a - eto vytesn'aet ustanovku "delat' nechego,
nado volnovat's'a".
Loading DAZZLE even for a little bit helps to calm me down.
Priznak togo, chto razdrazhenie prevyshaet normu -
oshibki v pechati i zabyvanie veschej, kotorye ja dolzhen
by pomnit'.
Possible way to determining min length of DAZZLE meditation -
till I start smiling :)
About Vika's book - we (men), do seem to talk in
a challenging way. One person shows what he programmed,
I point possible flaws, he successfully rebutts and gets praise for
good coding.
When you locate a heavy bug or make a radical change
to a program, you ascend to the level similar
to original creative feeling.
Pattern of "gadost' leads to improvement" - I at the point
"it DOESN'T work like this, it's gotta be done right!" - and then I do it.
Interesno - pishu programmu, vrode i pritomils'a, a kak tol'ko perestal -
ne znaju, chto delat'.
A mozhet na samom dele, ne nadoelo, a prosto slozhnyj kusok nachals'a.
So, that's another primer: "neinteresno is 'seems too hard' in disguise".
"Do you like to be controlled by your computer, who's
in turn controlled by you ?"

Monday 03/22/99
Trying this - put the tasks in tmp file, stack-like -
when nested, add a task with ident.
Those things that could be done, but later could be put at the top of file -
to be reached when current tasks are over.
(This can include things I rememember I was going to do).
If I reach them and still don't do, move them to OHOTA (or del - but dispose
either way).

I vstavl'at' mozhno po mere interesnosti.
Items, kotorye vyzyvajut vinu luchshe pisat' srazu v OHOTU - chtob
ne slishkom majachili (hot'a s drugoj storony eto portit
reputaciju OHOTY a bit).

Vo, kogda task sdelan, mozhno udalit' ego ident i my poluchaem spisok
"chto sdelano segodn'a" :)
Primer togo, chto est' vybor - hotel prin'at' tabletku, poshel na
kuhn'u za kruzhkoj - tam tolpa narodu. Obschats'a ne hotelos', poshel
nazad i svernul na drugoj put' - poshel k fontanchiku.
Allilujschiki mogut torzhestvovat' po strane, potomu chto zhenatye
muzhchiny bojats'a ratovat' ZA.
Onbako, na internete eto ne tak - zhena ne gl'adit za plecho i
muzhuki mogut skazat' "pornuhe - da!".
Associacija - nachal'nik pokashlivajut, ja dumaju: "Prinesla
nelegkaja :)

Zan'atno - vrode neprijatnaja associacija, no o samom fakte, chto
ona est', mozhno posmejat's'a.
Primer "real'nost' ne takaja plohaja, kak kazhets'a" -
szadi kto-to shurshit, ja dumaju, chto shef pripers'a,
a eto babul'a (uborschica).
Neprijatno, kogda delaju poisk na 'rexx' i nahozhu 'os/2'.
OS/2 is dead, unless they release a source code.
REXX will never die!
Hakernul NetZero - inc resolution, start, decrease and then move
below taskbar!
Boy, I'm good!

Tuesday 03/23/99
When outside chatter (conversation, several people on the phone)
starts, blocking it with music doesn't always
work. Alternatives:
1) Listen (ne vnikaj, just try to meditate on sound).
Switch from 1 to 2 if you feel getting more annoyed.
2) Go for a walk.
3) If you're calm enough, you can actually listen and converse.
Soznanie opredela'et...
Pozvali men'a vniz, pomoch' chegoj-to peretaschit'. Poshel ne torop'as',
sverhu uvidel, chto oni uzhe vyshli na ulicu, no sam vse ravno zashel
v kabnet. Vyhozhu, vizhu tam uzhe drugie muzhuki podr'adilis' pomoch'.
Poderzhal im dver' i... vse :)
Worrying about the future makes me feel powerless, because
I cannot change it. All I can do is change the present -
I can only affect my time and my place.

Example - I am faced by a bug. I want it to be gone.
But I cannot do this immediately. I can only make one step -
calm down, investigate, trace, get more insight.
This, eventually will lead to a better future.
Zanimajus' delom, prishla Diane poboltat' pro email.
Otvleks'a, poboltali. Nichego, mir ne razvalils'a.
After elegant solution is found, simetimes it's hard
to accept that the problem is bigger and still not totally solved

Wednesday 03/24/99
Side benefit of stack - you can always
demonstrate why are not doing particular task - by showing what
else is stacked.
Perhaps reflection means neproizvol'no remembering events, without
attaching strong emotions to them.
Feeling good, being calm, achieving, helping others - that's all there is.
Not that hard to do, eh ?
Let's do it!
Dazhe znaja, chto zhenschiny govor'at dl'a connection,
vse ravno ne mogu spokojno slushat' balabol'stvo.
For me, emotion has to be involved for local/world news to
have any interest.

Thursday 03/25/99
Stack - when unable to complete current item (say, waiting for
somebody to ask them a question), mozhno pobaldet' (po webu polazit', etc).
This way there's no overload.
Asking Usenet is like asking God - you can't force the answer
and you can't set the deadline.
You can just let it go and be grateful if answer comes.

Friday 03/26/99
Most of the time NOTHING happens. Zadacha - learning to feel
good during these times.
Can this relate to "space between the thoughts" ?

Tuesday 03/30/99
Somewhere between obligations to do this and fears of that,
hides true motivation - things I truly want and would be willing
to put energy into, even for a long term.
Growing entropy thwarts motivation. For example, cd-rw is broken -
it's totally vital to fix it - but I almost felt like "well, i
guess i can live with it". No way! It's GOTTA be fixed!
(realized it after answering 'power question' "what am i enjoying" -
cd-rw was on the list - and I realized, chto u men'a net milliona :)
When you feel envy of somebody, ask: "What he does - is this what I want to
be doing ?". If no - no reason for envy. If yes - well, there's some
direction for you on what to move toward.
Putting little extra effort into sharing (programs) may be worth it,
because justified recognition is good for confidence.
Parallel' mezhdu 'Wit' & that movie about jewish gangster - both guys
were punished for their bad deeds (infidelity & crimes), but felt
like it's their good life's work that's under fire.
You know what ?
I've been introvert all my life. Even v detstve ja l'ubil inogda
pogul'at' sam po sebe. I nikogda u men'a ne bylo bols'she chem
1-2 luchshih druzej za raz.

Pomnish' moe vyrazhenie "Ja l'ubl'u byt' oinokim v tolpe ?"
Eto ne ot grusti, a v kajf!
Ja eto vot k chemu
1) Ja - normal'nyj.
2) Shumnye, bol'shie kompanii mne ne nuzhny (i nikogda ne byli nuzhny -
razve chto s cel'ju kogo-to ottuda vyhvatit')
3) Obschenie vse-taki nuzhno, potrebnost' est'.
About envy:
Zaviduju millioneru, k kotoromu lipnut baby iz-za deneg.
Zdraste! You're so sensitive about anybody trying to take advantage
of you - what would you feel if you were in his place ?!

Wednesday 03/31/99
Ocherednoj entropijnj primer. Utrom nametil, chto v 4 chasa sdelaju
odnu pl'uhu. Dela't ne hochets'a, chuvstvuju diskomfort.
'Ladno' - dumaju, 'sdelaju'. Kak tol'ko nachal, srazu mysl'
"A, togda eshce i vot eto nado sdelat'!".
Momental'naja peregruzka - ja esche v processe tekuschego
taska i otvlekajus' na volnenie o sledujuschem (stradaet i nastroenie
i task).
Pon'atno, pochemu Jugoslavija ne brosilas' na sheju k U.S. - ved'
oni nikogda slishkom sil'no ne zaviseli ot Sojuza, u nih net rebounda.

Thursday 04/01/99
Primery reshenija problem zamedleniem:
1) Begajut, krichat, chto pashet nepravil'no. Poslal
ih povtorit' problemu, po hodu oni sami razobralis'.
2) Mne govor'at - pogovori s Anne, raspisanie budet neobychnoe.
Anne zan'ata, to da se, a potom okazyvaets'a chto i ne nado.
(Though I have scheduled the talk - so if it had to be done, it
would be!)
Interesno, strah poteri kontrol'a, kogda vl'ubils'a -
pozhaluj, u men'a on tozhe est'.

Friday 04/02/99
Expectations - in addition of probability, there's also
matter of timing. For example, when dialing to Inet, it's
not reasonable to expect connection sonner than in 20 secs.

Saturday 04/03/99
Chto esli vospol'zovats'a mysl'ju is sostojanija ekzal'tacii:
"Problem net!" ?
V eto chto-to est'. Every time stomach ties into knot it's because
of real (or perceived) problem. When it happens, reiterate -
"Problem net". I eto dejstvitel'no verno tam, gde ja v dannyj moment.

If there is a real problem to be addressed, schedule it.
(Or solve right now).
Either way, it's action or nothing. Worry is not a useful option.

Hot'a ne, inogda bolit i ni s togo ni s sego. Davaj biotik primem.
Explore fenomen - don't wanna try again something I've
worked and succeeded at before. Examples: serious chess (long time limit),
Z, Urban Assault.

Monday 04/05/99
Shum sotrudnicy - nel'z'a ego vosprinimat', kak krik utok ?
Probleski - inogda pojavl'aets'a prijatnoe oschusehnie - to li
vospominanie, to prosto radostnoe otnoshenie k miru. Gasnet,
kogda Entropija napominaet "you can't feel that way, you've got this problem
and that problem".
I felt that inkling of 'life is good' twice in last 2 days - without
special practice. However, I couldn't hold on the the feeling.
Perhaps if I don't try to classify it, but rather let myself feel..

Tuesday 04/06/99
Szadi boltajut. Ja otvleks'a i dazhe poslushal. Nichego, legche chem
rabotat' skvoz' shum.
Reason to give in person (rather than po-partizanski) - I am more likely
to receive response when I am ready for it.
(That's along the lines of "I want others to say what I want and when
I want" :)
Possible advantage of a big problem - I want to postpone is so much, so I am
willing to face smaller problems
Seemingly lose-lose choice - keep on task while feeling
bad or leave it and risk not coming back to it.
Sol - start feeling good first :)
Poshli pogodu proverim.

Wednesday 04/07/99
I get annoyed quickly when there's miscommunication.
Interesno, kogda v "power questions" vopros 'who do I love',
feel quilty that I don't list everybody everytime.
Primer togo, kak polezno otvlech's'a - zastr'al v otladke,
shodil v klozet, po doroge pridumal, chto delat'.

Friday 04/09/99
Zato Eve-Lotte zhara byla nipochem. Ona radovalas' zhare, kak radovalas'
ljudjam na ulicah i vkusnym chereshnjam. Den' byl bazarnyj, a ej nravilis'
bazarnye dni. Strogo govorja, Eve-Lotte nravilis' vse dni, krome teh, kogda
v shkole byl ruchnoj trud. No sejchas ved' kanikuly!
Waiting is the perfect time to contemplate.
Here I am, impatient for, say, site to load.
Practice feeling good Right Away.
Notice that I am less tolerant of RA quality now - must be spolied
by MP3 :)

Tuesday 04/13/99
Prihozhu, visit zapison "progrmma ne srabotala", chuvstvuju razdrazhenie,
srazu pridirajus' k formulirovke.
Pozvonil poblagodarit' za bagely.
"Thank you for calling. Nobody else ever calls, so we appreciate it!".
Vidish', dazhe kogda ja akitvno ne nahozhus' v 'giving' state,
vse ravno good distinctions made earlier pay off!
Primer cheloveka, kotoryj ne raduets'a dostizhenijam, a srazu nyr'aet
obratno v guno: Pola.
J atak ne hochu, man! Postojannyj nervnyj tik for no good reason!

Perehvatyvaet dyhanie - ne ot problem, a ot interesnyh zan'atij - oni
bystro naslaivajuts'a. Halt, take a break!
Stack dl'a hakinga nezamenim - ja uhozhu na podprogrammy s dikoj skorsot'ju,
stek makes sure I come back.
Power supply rashumels'a i zatormozil.
Ja reshil ego smenit', stal razbirat' komp i podumal -
a voobsche-to ATX - neplohaja vesch', osobenno teper',
kogda knopka 'power' rabotaet kak sleduet.
Potom postavil komp obratnp na dyby - i gl'adi ty, supply rabotaet
tiho i krutits'a normal'no!
"Why are you so happy" - "hmm" - "You don't have to have a reason!"

"Deciding to be well is important too"

"gurus warn us about skeptics"

"The shortest distance between two points depends on how short traveler is"

Motrcycle turning into car:

Wednesday 04/14/99
Stack - may make sense to pause before jumping at next line.
Reflect and stuff.
Realizacija - ja umeju registrirovat' domejny.
Mog ty takoe sebe predstavit, say, v 1992-93 ?

Friday 04/16/99
Being open to pranks is fun. For example: "Try this" and then it turns
out to be REAL hot. If I don't, I miss something.
Stack empty - feeling 'now what ?'
Another moment - solved video problem, got speed back.
Dive right back into tweaking registry further, feel rush.
Wrong! Step back, enjoy the glow!
That's all the positive feedback you ever gonna get, practice
enjoying it!
And another one - made simple change, expect no problem -
but prg suddenly breaks. Start sweating, dyhanie preryvaes'-
ne-a! Ne pojdet! Need to collect self before proceeding.
How about Enya ?
Murashki po kozhe - could be good priznak of changing state.
Ja pon'al, chto dl'a men'a chto o politike govorit' ne v kajf, kogda
soglasija net.

Monday 04/19/99
Men'a zadevaet, kogda na rabote nachinajuts'a antislav'anskie shutochki
(naschet slozhnosti familij ili shutki pro pol'akov).
Otvetnaja reakcija - a my dumaem, chto amerikancy tupye :}
Razdr - kollega chego-to govorit, ja is vezhlivosti slushaju,
potom povarhicajus' obratno k svoemu displeju, a emu prihodit
v golovu esche pobalakat'.
Another useful aspect of STACK - it battles the misconception
"nothing is getting done".
Jesting is a way to stay out of control.
Primer: "Anne govorit, chto eda staraja, ne nado est',
a ja otshuchivajus', deksat' 'Vo-vo, v proshlyj raz ja kak raz
ot etogo umer' :)

Monday 04/19/99
Na minusah fokusirovat's'a legko, no pl'usov mozhet byt'
ne men'she - just make sure you see them!)

Tuesday 04/20/99
Volnujus', nav'azchivaja mysl' krutit's'a.
Szadi golosa, chuvstvuju razdrazhenie. Odnako, they
are also a distraction - which is good!

Tuesday 04/20/99
Pokrovskie Vorota - aspekt, kotorogo ja ran'she ne videl:
Lev sets himself up for pity - listen how often he complains about
(Hint - ja tozhe etim greshu :)
Slushal Daga (on govoril pro semejnye problemy).
Guess what, sovershenno pozabyl pro svoi v processe!
My difficulty with helping others is in letting go.
During conversation, I am understanding and I feel powerful.
After that I am helpless, worrying "to chto ja skazal, pomozhet
ili net ?". This is when time is to let go. Turn on KOSG
("Kak Ob Stenku Goroh")
Do Spiritual Mind Treatment. Disconnect yourself.
"Do not cling to the bowling ball after throwing it".
(Or to a bicycle, for that matter :)
Stack - taski nakaplivajuts'a, ja nyr'aju glubzhe, no eto ne oznachaet,
chto nado speshit. Dyshi glubzhe ('sdelaj glubokij vzdoh, kroshka' :)

Wednesday 04/21/99
Vyschityvali verojatnost' pojavlenija cheloveka na svet -
na primere Sashi okazalis' odin k 6 trillionam.

To est', esli tysa'cha planet Zeml'a uchastvuet v loteree -
vse zhiteli za izvestnuju istoriju (7000 let), to edinstvennyj
pobeditel' - eto i est' ja (v smysle, takov byl moj shans rodit's'a).
Vezenie sovershenno neopisuemoe.
Vyvod - zhizn' eto one hell of a podarok!
Uploadunul z98.htm i ogorchils'a, chto fajl men'she chem z97.htm
A tot men'she chem oz (96). Tak i isparit's'a mozhno :}

Thursday 04/22/99
Pl'us v tom, chto kogo-to poslushat' - kogda ja fokusirujus'
na listening, trudno odnovremenno volnovat's'a.
Realization - there's so many things to feel good about!
The world is helping.
(Felt that after going outisde, which I did after reading about
"Life is good" inkling in earlier note).
When listening, relax - I DON'T HAVE to do anything else at the moment.

Friday 04/23/99
"Osennij Marafon" - ego vzryv reshitel'nosti byl vremennym -
potom on op'at' stal soboj. Kak i u men'a byvaet.
Memuary Mumi-Papy - etmu tozhe hochets'a, chtoby mir vertels'a
vokrug nego :)
Smotri,vot introvert:

-- Vovse net! -- vozrazil, podumav, Juksare. -- Kolonija -- eto
mesto, gde zhivut v mire i spokojstvii i kak mozhno dal'she drug ot
druga. Inogda sluchaetsja chto-nibud' nepredvidennoe, no potom snova
nastupajut mir i spokojstvie... Mozhno, naprimer, zhit' na jablone. Pesni
i solnechnyj svet... prosypaesh'sja pozdno po utram, vy ponimaete...
Nikto ne snuet vozle tebja i ne tverdit tebe, chto nado, ne otkladyvaja,
delat' i to, i eto... V kolonii vse delaetsja samo po sebe!
-- Kak eto samo po sebe? -- udivilsja Shnyrek.
-- Jasnoe delo, -- mechtatel'no prodolzhal Juksare. -- Prosto nuzhno
ostavit' dela v pokoe. Apel'siny rastut, cvety raspuskajutsja, i vremja
ot vremeni rozhdajutsja na svet novye Juksare, chtoby est' apel'siny i
njuhat' cvety. I kazhdomu svetit solnce.
Citaty iz "Memuarov Mumi-Papy":

"Ja pogruzilsja v sostojanie glubokoj melanholii. Uvy, podobnoe
sluchalos', i ne raz, so mnoj i v dal'nejshem, kogda ja videl, chto
kto-nibud' delaet chto-nibud' luchshe menja.
Podumav, ja vse-taki reshil, chto eto, kazalos' by, ne ochen'-to
prijatnoe chuvstvo, na samom dele kosvenno svidetel'stvuet o moem
skrytom talante. I esche ja zametil: esli ja vpadaju v melanholiju, esli
nachinaju vzdyhat', ustavjas' v morskuju dal', eto mne javno dostavljaet
nekotoroe udovol'stvie. Mne stanovitsja zhalko sebja, a eto tak prijatno."
"Tipichnaja cherta moego haraktera -- ljuboj cenoj proizvesti
vpechatlenie na okruzhajuschih: vyzvat' vostorg, sostradanie, strah ili
ljubye drugie sil'nye chuvstva."

Monday 04/26/99
Pl'us v uborschice - opustoshaet musornik, a mne ved' luchshe,
kogda est' mesto :}

Tuesday 04/27/99
Nechego delat', zan'als'a VB, vspomnil chto sobirals'a esche
antivirus postavit' na scheduler. Peregruzka.
However - each task is perfect - just pick random and go ahead!

Thursday 04/29/99
Zvonit Tiffany neskol'ko raz, chego-to polomano.
Nachinaju razdrazhat's'a, no potom dumaju:
"Ej, ved' eto sovsem neploho - mne zvon'at', ja s kem-to
govor'u, mogu dazhe kozyrnut' znanijami. Obschajus' v processe
remonta (o, vsplyvaet 'I am being used' feeling) , slovom, bol'she
garmonii - ved' ja sam segodn'a hakiruju i ne zvon'u".

Monday 05/03/99
Priehal na velike na rabotu.
Oschuschenie: bodrost', horoshee nastroenie.
Legko boltat', poproboval dazhe pri razgovore smotret' v glaza
(pravda, razgovor byl v osnovnom slushatel'nyj, no smotret' v
glaza mne ponravilos' - dovol'no chuvstvenno :)

Tuesday 05/04/99
Patience pays - tried to "restart Win in DOS mode", it sat at black
screen with blinking cursor, I wanted to restart, but decided to
count to 10 first. Got DOS mode at 4!
(Would spend more time if I actually restarted).
Inogda Stack ochen' kstati - sekunda skuki, zagl'anul tuda - ba,
2 interesnyh proekta, a ja pro nih i zabyl!

Friday 05/07/99
Add a long term goal - solve the vision problem.
Be it laser operation, or contacts, or something new.
Heh, sejchas u men'a hobbi - cleanup, doma and in mailboxes... :)

Wednesday 05/12/99
Kogda reshaju problemu
i volnujus' - note how it vytesn'aet vse drugie - as if there's
nothing else I could be thinking or worrying about.
Yet when it's solved or simply time passes, I don't even remember about it.
Perhaps same can be applied to more global worries.

Wednesday 05/12/99
Hozhu po magazinu, nachinaju volnovats'a - a najdu li blinchiki.
Tut zhe govor'u sebe' - "najdu, 100% chance!".
See, when worry is simply about timing, youi can give it absolute
probability - that calms me down.
"A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)."

Thursday 05/13/99
Metod "najdi odin, a luchshe neskol'ko pl'usov na odin minus"
prodolzhaet rabotat'!
BTW, it fits the scheme "razmnozhenie s operezheniem".
Cleanup is not a fulltime job - even mailboxes that get spam
can be seen empty when I check them daily.

Friday 05/14/99
Defeating an enemy is sometimes easier that helping a friend..
Sometimes negative probability is helpful too.
For example, prihozhu na raboty, upgraded comp for Paula
yesterday. I start worrying, them tell myself: "What are the
chances that there are some problems ? Well, I'd say 95%".
And since it's inevitable, worry stopped!
Scheduling - I have event (not very pleasant) that will come
in an hour, I remember about it - might as well do it now.
(Called - no answer, nothing more I can do, calm down now ;)

Tuesday 05/18/99
Kogda net vdohnoven'ja, mozhno posmtret' v zaprosy juzerov - glavnoe
chto-to kodirovat', nastroenie pridet!
"On ostorozhno sel na travu i zakryl glaza. Vladet'
nastojaschim tajnikom vsegda bylo odnim iz ego samyh zavetnyh
zhelanij. On vsegda iskal takie mesta i nahodil ih vo mnozhestve."
O! Kak ja!
Pochemu-to neohota zanimats'a usenet/shareware.
Nu i ne budem, chego tam.
Really, prg lezhit na sajte, posledn'aja versija, tak
chto l'ud'am v kajf... razve chto ja sam ee ne razvivaju...
no ona dejstvitel'no pochti perfektna.
"Nu razve zhizn' ne voshititel'na! -- razmyshljal
Mumi-troll'. -- Vse menjaetsja vnezapno i bez vsjakoj prichiny!
Opposite to "zabroshennym mailbox" is "empty mail - check often and
see no new messages" :}

Friday 05/21/99
Robbins is right about "hard to play record after it's been scratched".
U men'a s utra vertelas' v bashke durackaja pesn'a, ja zapustil mp3
i tu uzhe trudno vspomnit'!
Alana Dante "I'm breaking out" - diko uplifting music!
Interesno - delaju proekt dl'a juzera - vrode
i nuzhdy u nih ne v kassu, a nevazhno - interesno kodirovat' i
novoe uznaju!
Realization - my inlink page IS great looking
(esp with pretty icons that I picked after meticilous selection!)
And the layout is nice too. Besides, I came up with it myself :)

Friday 05/21/99
"It's worse to be incapable of love than not to be loved"

Saturday 05/22/99
Strategy "before ordering new ISP option, cancel something else"
is good not only because it saves money, but also because it gets
me to look at obsolete services that I keep out of inertia.

Monday 05/24/99
Whatever physical world hobby you pursue, Inet helps to find out
more about it.
Use "100% chance that bug WILL be fixed" to lower annoyance
level when something breaks unexpectedly (or persists on
not working).
"Motivation, the final frontier. With enough of it any ordinary
person can become a world class athlete. Without it the same person
could end up begging for change downtown."

Wednesday 05/26/99
"Growth demands a temporary surrender of our security".
Email: One moment there's no messages, nothing to do.
Next, there's several - overwhelming.
Try to pace them - enjoy while they are available.

Thursday 05/27/99
Imagine life as a boat. I float downstream, see some beautiful places on
the shore, but I don't know how to row, so I cannot dock and I cannot go back.
I believe that self-awareness is learning to row and steer this boat.
I don't like skepticism. I think skeptic is a person who sits
inside a little kennel and doesn't believe there's world outside it.

Friday 05/28/99
Proslushal lekciju o tom, chto nel'z'a govorit'
"Horosho vygl'ad'aschie dzhinsy".
Pochuvstvoval volnu protesta protiv nepon'atnyh ogranichenij.
Nachal'nica obj'asnila, chto zhenschiny bojats'a seksistskih zamechanij,
moja reakcija: "Flag v ruki!".
Cel' - uspokoit'sa i ne dat' etomu povlijat' na moe zhelanie
govorit' komplimenty.

Wednesday 06/02/99
Rabota - odna iz prichin men'at' - eto chtob mozhno bylo
skazat' "Ja rabotaju v izvestnj firme!". Eto pomojka, kak '5 minut radosti'...
V smysle, takie razgovory zanimajut 1 minutu v nedel'u, a rabotat'-to
40 chasov. So, it's not a reason.
Protivoprechija. Gl'anul v email, otvetov na rez'umy net - "Blin,
ne srabotalo".
Sejchas smotr'u podrobnee - taki otvet est'. Op'at' ne slava bogu:
"Nu vot, chto-to delat' nado!"
Independence when not alone - what if I can use model of
"work experience" to apply to "personal communion" ?
That is at work, even though I am dependent, yet I've established identity
and freedom.

Thursday 06/03/99
"Na dne kolodca skryvals'a kl'uch urkorenija"
Sredi vsej suety, straha i paniki mel'kaet ponimanie, chto
mozhno zamedlits'a i byt' spokojnym.

Friday 06/04/99
Nastroenie - tak sebe. Sprosil: "What can I do to feel better?"
Srazu nashels'a otvet - pro Alisu pochitat'.
- You should get busy and do something Important.
- But I am doing!
- What ?
- Listening ?
- To what ?
- To the birds. And that squirrel over there.
"Kogda Alisa dognala Iriju, ona uvidela, chto ta stoit v nachale betonnoj
dorogi. Ona byla staraja, po nej davnym-davno nikto ne ezdil. Mezhdu
betonnymi plitami rosli kusty i dazhe malen'kie derev'ja, kraja plit
raskroshilis'. No eto byla samaja nastojaschaja doroga."
Klass! Kak te mesta, gde ja ezzhu!
(Kstati, v downtowne vrode dejstvitel'no streetcar rails!)
I v downtowne mozhno poezdit'. Vprochem, on v spiske!
"On osuschsetvil mechtu pogibshego otca" - sounds harmless,
but is plain wrong. Surely he'd have his own dream!

Monday 06/07/99
Matvej zanimaetska trablshutingom po telefonu, men'a razdrazhaet -
tipa dazhe ne moe delo, no v ushi zhuzhit i poka problema na reshena...
Sol ?
"- Glavnoe - prinjat' reshenie. Kak ego
vypolnit' - delo vtoroe.
- Otlichno! - skazal professor Xrust. - Ljublju delovyh ljudej. Ja sam
delovoj chelovek.
- Dvesti pjat'desjat let nazad, - prodolzhal uchitel' Knigochej, - nasha
planeta byla odnim iz veduschih centrov galakticheskoj nauki. My pokorili
kosmos, my dostigli mnogogo. No ne dostigli schast'ja. Da i mozhno li ego
- Net, - skazala Irija. - Schast'e v puti, v dvizhenii, v bor'be.
Polnogo schast'ja ne byvaet."
Sometimes probability is obviously against expectation, if you
give it a second of thought. For example if program broke and
I run it again without detecting the bug, it's most likely to fail again.

Ok, it's running now, a ja pobegu. Look at results zavtra.

Tuesday 06/08/99
Inogda polezno, kogda vokrug narod topchets'a - mne prihodits'a
rabotat' i est' chem zan'ats'a. A kogda nikto ne sledit, rabotat'
neohota i mozhet stat' skuchno.

Wednesday 06/09/99
Principle "gotta get moving" succeeds once again.
Nastroenie nevazhnoe, nichego delat' ne hochets'a - dumaju,
pochitaju-ka "Lilovyj Shar". Nachal, zan'atno, citatu vybral,
vspomnil chto mozhno proverit' - zan'atija pojavilis'!
Kstati, v mashine naverno mozhno zanimat's'a tem, chto ja
otkladyvaju - naprimer tem zhe kursom NLP.

Thursday 06/10/99
Ofiget' - sotrudniki dejstvitel'no dumajut, chto ja sverhurochno rabotaju!
Em aj gud or em aj gud ?

Friday 06/11/99
+ Vyigral computer - na dzhob fer v odnoj iz firm razygryvali comp
sredi teh kto podal rez'umy - i ja vyigral!
Nabl'udenie. Idu v otlcihno nastroenii.
Smotr'u v steklo magazina i podi zh ty - hot' i v rogovyh ochkah,
a otrazhenie nravits'a! Dazhe vernuls'a i esche raz posmotrel.

Monday 06/14/99
Assymetry - I blast political correctness, but when
ther's somebody Russian (or Slavic for that matter) in the joke,
I get mad.
Kak s karikaturistom i Bidstrupa :)
Balance between "rush, no pacing" and "putting off".

Got it - had to talk to Diane about getting new compuphones,
went there - she's on the phone. I could linger there, feeling
nervous - or I can take this as deserved break from this morning's
haste. And so I will.
When I greet somebody, look at it this way:
Imagine a robot. He's self-absorbed, goes about his
business and doesn't respond to greetings.
Some robots look like humans, I will not be able to tell
the difference till I greet them. Once I do and find out
it's a machine, I know there's no reason to be upset over
lack of response.
Abandoned projects act up when you get back to them because a lot
depends on memory/habit.
Ja tozhe partially victim personality.
When my mood is down, I sometimes feel as if the rest of the world
is not keeping up with it's task of cheering me up ;)
Ane microwaveable bliny ne ponravilis', a ja poproboval - i neploho.
Primer, togo, chto ne stoit prinimat' chuzhoe mnenie, ne proveriv.
Hidden damnger in "doing one thing for a long time" - when it's
over, I feel there's nothing else worth doing.
Kogda chereduju zan'atija, vozmozhno etogo ne proizojdet.

A, kak v Vite Maleeve - nemnogo futbola, nemnogo urokov...
there may be more meaning in it than I thought.
"V pervyj den' kanikul cheloveku obychno nechego delat'. Vernee, est' chto
delat' i del dazhe ochen' mnogo, no trudno pridumat', kakoe iz nih samoe
glavnoe, i chelovek terjaetsja sredi mnogochislennyh vozmozhnostej i soblaznov."
"Voobsche-to govorja, stoilo zajti domoj i polozhit' ego na mesto, no zhalko
bylo terjat' vremja. Zajdesh' domoj, robot zastavit obedat' i budet
govorit', chto ty opjat' pohudela, i chto ja skazhu mame, kogda ona
vernetsja, i vsjakie drugie zhalkie slova. Marsianskij bogomol poprositsja
guljat', a guljat' s nim - odno muchen'e: on ostanavlivaetsja u kazhdogo
stolba i obnjuhivaet kazhduju carapinu na mostovoj.
’ak chto ponjatno - Alisa domoj zahodit' ne stala, a otpravilas' na

O! Hod mysli kak u men'a! ;)
Random kindness keeps going - just found a dime in the change slot
in vending room.
According to the "Got one - give two", I put it back into machine,
together with my own dime :)
Also applied the "added one, clean up two" to compuphones - put one
"to be looked at and possiby repaired" to the storage room, discarded
two that were laying there forever (maybe not hopeless, but definitely
reached the timeout).

Hey, you know what's cool about these rules ?
They help decision making!
Nesluchajnoe sovpadenie est' priznak FLOW!
Mere realization "I'm in the flow" makes for a good feeling.
Provider barahlit, diko sil'noe razdrazhenie.
Interesno, conversation ended, state is more or less ok.
Started writing about it, used strong words, got myself
worked up. Power of language, eh ?
Relation between "lack of knowledge" and "lack of desire":
I just said about health insurance meeting:
"Makes me yawn just reading about. I probably won't understand a word
they'll say".
Moe razdrazhenie projavl'aets'a (i usilivaets'a) neterpimost'ju
k problemam drugih.

Tuesday 06/15/99
What to do when list is exhausted in STACK ?
1) Take a break - perhaps more ideas will come.
*Vyshel progul'ats'a i osoznal: pogoda horshaja (vesna, tu-du-du-du),
vse cvetet, zhizn' kipit. Yeah!*
To constantly get fresh compliments you have to embark on new
ventures. For example, lady wants be to join 80s ring, praises site - a ja dazhe osobo ne sreagiroval.

Also the "thanks" I get for site - I pretty much ignore them
now, unless they stand out.
>State of hack< - kodiruju novuju feature. eurodance rubaet -
pal'cy letajut - yeah!!!!!!!
They: "Romantic love is posessive".
Me: "Being posessive is not very romantic"
(That is, it's hard to be romantic and jealous at the same time)
When last message in the mailbox is answered, there's an empty feeling -
"Now what ?"

Thursday 06/17/99
Work use for STACK - offload current tasks, so I don't
have to think about them all at once.
The only way other person can stop me from giving love is
by locking me - that is, if I decide "Nobody else should
be the receiver".
But there are always other receivers - friends, strangers,
dobrye dela, i t.d.

Speaking of which, random kindness keeps going! Today I've found
$1.20 instead of 65c in the change slot. So, I've put the whole amount
back into machines ;)
Sidel na zavalinke, nastroenie tak sebe. Reshil s napravleniem
zrachkov poeksperementirovat' (avtomaticheski - vlevo vniz).
Perevel vpravo vverh i srazu prijatnye mysli polezli (pervaja -
"Skoro linzy budut!")
"One with the Truth is the majority"

Friday 06/18/99
Nuzhno zvonit' v bank, narod esche ne ushel, anxiety.
But consider - you've felt ok while you were away from work -
because there's nothing you could have done.
So, now I either
I. Figure out how to call
II. Put it off till people leave and calm down.
See man, it's not the magnitude of problem that matters.
It's what I do about it.

Saturday 06/19/99
Anne prishla, prinesla spagetti-programmu, kotoruju
napisal Doug, a Paula ne mogla razobrat's'a. Posideli
v kuhne, popili keforchiku, vse ispravili. Prijatnoe

It was like a brain exercise - and yes, I may not be getting
enough of that when I decide what to do myself ;)
Zakonchil telefonnyj razgovor, horosho poboltal, now
feel anxiety - "now what ?".
Nu, davaj na ulicu shodim.
>vernuls'a - otlichno vrem'a provel! I uspokoils'a i novye
mysli prishli<
Being in the moment is easy when I am having fun - be it
walking in puddles or popping bubble wrap.

Monday 06/21/99
Pol'za v tom, chtoby pohvastat's'a - napominaju sebe o tom, chto
krutizna byla (i pobochnyj effekt - vozmozhnyj vostorg slushatelej :)
"I used to care about how other people thought I led my life.
But lately I've realized that most people are too preoccupied with
their own lives to give anybody else the scantiest of thoughts".

Tuesday 06/22/99
Zaknchil prijatnoe pis'mo. Let's take a little time out
to glow :)
Ne ver'u v to, chto "prostym" l'ud'am legche zhivets'a.
Glushenie chivstv vodkoj ne v schet - eto mozhet kazhdyj,
k tomu zhe ot vypivki pojavl'ajuts'a svoi, novye problemy.
ICQ barahlit, chuvstvuju "kuda zh bez nego ?"

Wednesday 06/23/99
When I am going somewhere, glancing at the clock every time makes
me more anxious. Solution - when music is playing, LED says '-Tape-'.
Leave it at that and when you feel like cvecking time, look at
the display and tell yourself: "I'm on time".

Inner critic: "This is not realistic"
Me: "Oh, yes, it is. Look. If I know I am late already, surely I will
call and tell the party who's waiting for me. This is not the case.
It's situation when I may make it on time, so my choices are:
I. Worry all the way, be angry at other drivers who slow me down
and arrive at my destination exhausted.
II. Enjoy the trip.

I pick the second."
Boring items on the "to do" list drain energy. So, either do the item
or move it out of sight.
Example that knowledge makes life easier.
User is totally stuck and desparate. I come in, press
two keys and problem is gone - it's automatic for me.
Remember how I dreaded computers, say, in 1986 ?
Want to talk to somebody, but am undecided about who to call.
Feel deadlocked.
Solution - pick any one (say, the easiest choice),
- it's better than being stuck!

Thursday 06/24/99
Let the goal attract you, like a magnet, but DO keep your eyes
open for what's on the way.
I feel strongly about noticing/feeling the beauty (of Nature).
The Beauty Will Save You.

Friday 06/25/99
"... when two people are interacting, if one of them wishes to be extremely
relaxed and comfortable during the interaction, (in other words to practice
the "feminine" trait of *relaxation*) the best way to accomplish this would
*not* be to concentrate on trying to relax (which would require self or
inner directed -- and therefore "masculine" -- focus), but to instead forget
about himself and focus only on identifying with the other person (which is,
of course, outer directed and therefore "feminine"). In the very act of
forgetting oneself and attempting to empathize with the other person in such
a situation, the self consciousness that tends to interfere with one's
ability to relax, is dispelled".
Relaxation - do pot'agushki, say "Relax" and feel everything
(sounds, temperature, sight)
Sidel u vhoda, nabl'udal kak po listu kukaracha polzaet.
Smotrel, smotrel, dumaju "Nu davaj, perelezaj na drugoj".
Ona priblizhalas' k stychke, a potom op'at' povorachivala.
Ja nachal podumyvat', ne podtolknut' li, no vdrug pon'al:
"Vot primer - nel'z'a kontrolirovat' drugih, ne slomav ih voli".
Prin'al, kak est' i gl'adish', skoro ona-taki perelezla.
"Detached involvement means beign open to experiencing everything
in the material reality, since it is a reflection of whatever is held in
the mind, and therefore the most appropriate tool to *change* thoughts
back towards Reality; while at the same time realizing that the matertial
reality is not important *in of itself*, but *only* in that it is a
learning too in the form of "feedback".

Chital v restorane, potom poehal obratno na rabotu na mopede.
I dumaju - a kak naschet teh, kto tykaet pal'cem ?
Pervyj vyvod: "Nekotorye l'udi ne l'ub'at, kogda drugim veselee".
Da, no esli mir - otrazhenie soznanija, to bolee interesnyj vyvod
v tom, chto ja sam etogo ne l'ubl'u.
I tut zhe nashel podtverzhdenie - dejstvitel'no, esli kto-to imeet
bol'she uspeha u protivopolozhnogo pola ili professional'no,
I can get envy and sometimes even nasty!
So, *this* would be my lesson!

Monday 06/28/99
++- exercise shows on the msot common patterns of negative thinking -
dwelling on some aspect of the thing, while forgetting to be grateful
for having the thing!
- Some channels are confused on cable radio
+ But I DO have cable radio!

- WebTV is slow today
+ But I DO have WebTV!

This realization greatly simplifies finding a positive side -
just acknowledge that I *have* something - it's already way
bigger than whatever is wrong with it at the moment!

This may seem trivial, but it's not.
What's the use of having posessions if I am not grateful for
them ?
"O, kalabaha!"
Examples of misuse of feminine/masculine state.
Masculine state (inner focus) while listening - will interrupt and judge
the person who's talking.
Feminine state (outer focus) while talking - be overly sensitive over
"The Truth is not a conclusion, it is a process."
Try "focus on others" kogda budesh' v obschestve - see
how it affects sense of humor.

Friday 07/02/99
Segodn'a byl diko zan'atyj den' . za papoj ezdil v aeroport, on
Few times felt anxious, but realized that situation is actually good -
I have purpose and I feel the power!
O, nechego bylo delat', zashel k juzeru ustanovit' programmu,
zasmotrels'a na oblaka. Nastroenie stalo men'ats'a' i pojavilis' mysli,
chto delat'.

Tuesday 07/06/99
Realizacija - "Anywhere Is" is great - po kozhe probiraet :)
Ja s REXX - kak Melihronu u Shekli - vsemogusch, no tol'ko na etoj planete.
V interv'ju dazhe ne upom'anesh' - get blank stare.
On the other hand, kuda by ja ni poshel, on budet so mnoj. And we'll rule :)
Kogda mochu spammera, eto tipa Korejko: "Ja tebe pokazhu, 'kotoryj chas'" :)
Enya - "Aldebaran" - sil'no! Vorchlivoe nastroenie, no muzyka sil'nee-
pronikajus', dyshu glubzhe i nachinaju ulybat's'a.
Kogda na kogo-to napadaet boltlivost', poprobuju perekl'uchits'a
v "vneshnij rezhim" - fokus na drugom, priem.
Enya - The Sun in the Stream - TASK!
Takoj instrument chto ponevole ott'anesh's'a!
"... no chto udivilo menja bol'she vsego, tak eto moja sobstvennaja reakcija.
Nastroenie, dovol'no skvernoe posle besedy s papskim strelkom, uluchshalos'
s kazhdoj sekundoj. Probirajas' na oschup' i oprokidyvaja pri etom stul'ja,
ja tol'ko krotko ulybalsja v temnotu, i dazhe koleno, razbitoe v krov' o
chemodany, nichut' ne umen'shilo moej blagosklonnosti ko vsemu na svete."
Kogda blagoslovl'au vseh vstrechnyh, nastroenie podnimaets'a
po eksponente!
Perhaps answering is not enough to keep conversation
going - there may need to be something that will
initiate an reply...
Kogda morda mrachnaja, mozhno special'no ulybnut's'a u zerkala -
vid pri etom glupyj i togda uzhe stanovits'a' po nastojaschemu smeshno.
V tom chto ja priehal na rabotu ne na mashine est' i pl'us -
legko reshat', chego delat' posle - ehat' domoj.
(Chego tut dumat' - spat' lozhit's'a nado).

Friday 07/09/99
Calm amongst the storm - za oknom bushuet stihija, a ja smotr'u
na nee i mne spokojno.
Likewise, the emotions of those around me - they are behind the
window. They don't physcially touch me.

Wednesday 07/14/99
Interesnoe nabl'udenie - v amazon est' 360 otzyvov na Celestine Prophecy -
samye popul'arnye hudozhestvennye knigi ne poluchajut takogo otklika!
Kstati, mozhno pochitat'.
How-what readjustment.
How - "Trudno reshit', chto delat' s Google offer. Kak ehat', kogda,
kak reshat'".
What - "Lestnoe predlozhenoe. Novye vozmozhnosti. Bol'she deneg".
Igraet "Bamo Salaplaja", vspominaju kak eta pesn'a igrala,
kogda my ehali v Lotos. Vot interesno - ne to, chtob ja togda
ochen' taschils'a - no sejchas vspominaju s udovol'stviem.
Nel'z'a li kak-to perenesti perspektivu, chtoby smotret' na
segodn'ashnie sobytija s udovol'stviem ?

Thursday 07/15/99
Maintaing stack for ICQ conversation - for example, things
that come to mind tnat can be asked when current thread is over.
Just came up with a useful belief to have: "People are grateful".
Primal, physical connection is possible, just like intellectual
and emotional ones.

Saturday 07/17/99
NLP "Circle of excellence" - can pre-program feeling for future event.
When in a car and feel the need to check the clock again and again,
look at -TAPE- and affirm: "I'm on time".
(Critic: "But this is not realistic!"
Me: "Oh yes, it is. It's not matter of trying to deceive the clock.
It's matter of trusting self - once I left and once I am doing my best
to get to the destination, there's no need to check progress every minute.
Feeling good on the way is the right thing to do.")
Forgive yourself. Let go.
(This may be second part of the process - first was forgiving others)
'Masculine mode' - when performing, focus only on expression.
Switch to receive during applause.
Mixed modes cause confusing feelings.
Example - music in the car - "receive".
Yet it's loud enough for others to hear and I, say, sing along - "give".
Sol1: Turn a volume down.
Sol2: Determine, who the audience is. I sing along and make hand movements
for myself.
"One of the best things to have up your sleeve is funny bone"
V temnote mozhno igrat' so svetom fonarej, var'iruja raskrytost'ju resnic.
I was driving. 2 motorcycles were going faster, but I'd catch up with
them at every light. Perhaps speed is like the effort, while I achieved
the same result being in the flow.
"Zdes' merilom raboty schitajut ustalost".
Keep trusting the flow - "Surely Grace will bring me home".
It's very easy to feel negative emotion, when pretending.
Perhaps, same idea can be used to generate positive feelings too -
"AS IF till you feel it". Play to convince.
Tried this with "I always feel good" - works great! Don't even need a real
audience - it could be imaginary.
Maybe I can't be like Robbins, but I can be better than many
speakers - because I have sense of humor and use personal examples.
(Critic: "Who do you think you are ?"
Me: "Child of the Universe... what did you think ?" ;)
Use external focus to deflect blame:
"Where have you bee you so long ?"
"Was it boring to wait ?"
When in traffic jam, there's automatic internal rush.
Sol: put on meditative tape and slow down.
Razbiraju zapisi iz organizera, pojavl'ajuts'a idei, chem
zan'at's'a i parallel'no strah: "A chto, kogda zapisi konchat's'a ?".
Otvet: "Novye budut. I k tomu vremeni uzhe idej budet neskol'ko".
"Only scientists need evidence, dreamers do not. Faith works! Keep it!"
Inogda izlishn'aja zan'atost' - dl'a ochkovtiratel'stva.
Naprimer, ja na rabote, igraet "Prekrasnoe Daleko" - hochets'a
slushat' i nichego ne delat'.
An net, vse-taki chego-to shuruju, simuliruja zan'atost'.

Kak s meditaciej, pomn'u - kak budto est' kakie-to vneshnie, uvazhitel'nye
prichiny, kotorye ne dajut mne zamedlit's'a i uspokoit's'a.
Zaslushal "Lesnoj Olen'", zakryl glaza - uh, murashki po kozhe
na prot'azhenie vse pesni. Esli est' anchor detstva, this is it!

Monday 07/19/99
Keep looking for a way to stay calm when there's a chatter going
Interesno, mozhet u rabotnic sozdaets'a vpechatlenie, chto ja - pchelka,
potomu chto ja prodolzhaju pechatat', poka oni besedujut ?
"Each man's God, his conception of diety, is himself at his
best, mafnified to infinity".

Tuesday 07/20/99
Comparison with potential may be bad.
Consider - when I am on a bicycle, I know there's a limit to
how fast I can go. So, I don't sweat over it.
When in a car, I know that it can go very fast (or at least
up to speed limit), but being stuck in a jam, I am not going
as fast as I can potentially can.
Solution ?
Razgovory zhenschin na rabote razdrazhajut kogda ja sizhu k nim spinoj
i ne slushaju.
Zamet': razgovor ne prekratits'a.
1) Odet' naushniki.
2) Povernut's'a i poslushat'.
3) Vyjdi pogul'at'.
Negativnyj jakor' - shef pokashlivaet v otdalenii - dumaju,
chto sejchas podojdet i sprosit kakuju-nibud' erundu.
Sbezhal ot shuma. Zashel v lift, reshil pokatat's'a vverh/vniz,
a potom podumal - a chto esli prosto ostat's'a vnutri ?
Tak i sdelal. Kogda kto-to vyzyval lift, on dumal, chto
ja prosto passazhir. Takim obrazom ja spokojno provel minut 5,
Okazyvajuts'a, chto lift vyzyvajut ne tak uzh i chasto. Tam
prohladno, tiho i spokojno.

Podumal - "budu sidet', poka kto-to ne priedet na moj (3j) etazh".
Chut' pozzhe - "ne, ne dozhdus' - vyjdu vmeste s pervym passazhirom".
I chto zhe ? Tet'a vyzzvala lift i ej nado bylo imenno na 3j.
A vy govorite - sovpadenija.
Zabavnyj anchor, kogda men'a ne slyshali - iz "Ghostbusters II",
Janosh: 'Nobody listens to me'.

Wednesday 07/21/99
Zanimajus' emailom.
Znaju chto nado delat' - razobrat' Pending, chtob ni visel
nad dushoj i chtob prodolzhalas' perepiska.
A chto hochu ?
Proskakat' pered Inbox, gl'ad'a na komplimenty i nikomu ne otvechaja.

Mozhet sovmestit' ?
At any rate, even Pending - one at a time. Krysha edet, kogda na
vse srazu smotr'u.

Wednesday 07/21/99
You know, some 'responsibilities' are like candy in bitter
coating - you have to get past the shell to taste the

Thursday 07/22/99
Impatience - when I think that goal is nearly achieved and
there's one more unexpected obstacle, I get anxious.
It's like that videogame where I'd play well, take the lead and
then lose my advantage right at the finish line.

Friday 07/23/99
Napisal script, on ne pashet, nachinaets'a annoyance,
za spinoj shumit narod, razdr usilivbaets'a. Time out!
Similarity between diff kinds of energy manipulation - they
cause recipient to behave in predictable way.
Otkusyvaja kusochek bulochki, l'ubujus' nebom. Potom op'at'
prilipaju k ekranu. It's as if I need an excuse to look at the sky.
Workaround - fake an excuse :)
When project is over, it's sort of Fedya's feeling from "Probuzhdenie":
"Do something else ? I don't wanna!"

Monday 07/26/99
People in the hallways are open to exchange little energy
by greeting and smiling... or they are sealed off.
What happens when I greet and nothing happens ? Energy loss,
I guess. But making fun of it (remember by "robot" visualization)
I can fix it, since humor seems to come from infinite energy source.
Vstretil v lifte dzhusta, kotoryj znal men'a po imeni i sprosil,
igraju li ja po-prezhnemu v shahmaty.
Ja podumal, esli Glavnyj Programmist hochet mne poslat'
kakoe-to soobschenie i ne mozhet eto sdelat' materialisticheski,
on prosto vydumyvaet personazh.
Chatter - pretending that it's not there definitely doesn't
work - I quickly reach boiling point. So, use one of coping
techniques right away.
Somewhere between fear of failure and fear and of success
lies the secret of Motivation.
Cool! Got my first submit to Eurodisco site!!!
(Perhaps we should make special section for them like on DC)

Tuesday 07/27/99
Kogda boltajut za spinoj, vspomni, net li chego-nibud' poleznogo,
chto mozhno sdelat' v drugoj komnate. Naprimer, segodn'a dve sotrudnicy
gutarili, ja shodil za kofe i kogda vernuls'a, vse uzhe zatihlo.
Another reason name recognition works - perhaps it has to do
with comfort zone.
Komplimenty v Stack - hochets'a esche uslyshat', mozhno skazat'
(Primer - smotri *
Narod posle 5 uhodit, a nastroenie ne ob'azatel'no uluchshaets'a.
Eto razveivaet mif o tom, chto prichina volnenija - drugie l'udi.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that
you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the
infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that
has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let His presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to
sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of

Wednesday 07/28/99
"Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don't
need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's

Thursday 07/29/99
What's in this fear on rejection ? What causes it ?
"It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow".
Again, realization. Remember, how awed I was by "all-in-one" search page
not that long ago ?
Look how far I've come!
Interesno, v nekotorye dni konchaets'a spisok "to do",
a v nekotorye in rastet bystree, chem ja uspevaju
zakanchivat' proekty (kak sejchas. Dovlet' nachinaet)

Friday 07/30/99
Po povodu interv'ju - ne volnovat's'a zaranee, a projti i
kogda budet offer, sest' i podumat'.

Saturday 07/31/99
When I dive into single task for hours and don't want to think about
anything else this could be because I am afraid that excitement will be lost
if I distract.
Easy way to find "something different to do" - whatever piled up
is what I haven't been doing lately (today that's email).
Result of restoring balance - mood goes up i igrivost'
uvelichivaets'a (a takzhe lohmatost').
Pisatel'skij zud pohozh na to, kak u koshki Hromonozhki
v "Dzhel'somino" chesalas' lapka i hotelos' risovat'.
Posmotrel na otrazhenie v lifte - prevoshodno vygl'azhu!
Volosy lezhat ochen' krasivo ;)
*vzgl'anul v zerkalo - still looking good - heh, like
Cat in Red Dwarf*

Monday 08/02/99
Present fact - good MIDI is playing.
Worries - what will I do next, will I get in trouble for having midi
online, will people buy stuff...
But only truth is what happens at the moment - there's
a song I like. That's it.
Posle togo, kak uvidel, chto sales malo, otnoshenie k
hit count men'aet's'a: "Chto za tolpa bezdel'nikov, ne
pokupajut nichego!" :}

Demotiviriet, kogda staraesh's'a, a rezul'tatov ne vidno.
Heh, sdelal poisk na "blair witch", nashel pozitivnye
otzyvy, ne ponravilos' - novyj poisk is "blair witch sucks".
Found negative ones now :)

Tuesday 08/03/99
"When we first meet Neo, he is asleep in front of his computer when a
message appears that reads, "Wake up, Neo." This visually and verbally
states the main theme of the entire film, which is that life is a grand
As I was sitting outside, I had a short "life is good" flash.
Then ja pokrutils'a vokrug stolbov, pokatals'a ne perilah,
sebe nastroenie uluchshil i narod poveselil.
Kogda kogo-to priglashaju,a on otkazyavets'a, suzhajuts'a
opcii, a znachit legche - vybrat' - pl'us.
Fajl "CONSIDER" - prokrastinacija. Pishu i ne delaju :}
For a change, wrote down a thought and acted right away - neploho!
Opening a can of soup - made a tiny whole in the wrap
and it came off easily. Once integrity is broken, wrap doesn't hold.
Can the same apply to personal integrity ?

Thursday 08/05/99
Po povodu garmonii - to chto nado by delat', no ne hochets'a -
skoree vsego mne ne hotelos' i vchera, i pozavchera. To est'
lezhit delo i pokryvaets'a pyl'ju. A znachit, imenno v nem disbalans.
Inogda ja stavl'u vopros "Chto delat' ?", momental'no prihodit
otvet, no ja govor'u: "Znaju, tol'ko mne neohota".
Nu, v takom sluchae fakt, chto ja chto-to vazhnoe izbegaju -
a znachit mozhno so vkusom zan'at's'a chem-to esche.
O, mozhno energichno podnimat's'a po lestnice - tak zhe kak
ja sejchas edu na velike v goru (s naporom).

Friday 08/06/99
Sometimes I *know* the right thng to do - just don't have
the momentum to go ahead.
But, once I do, there's the *flow*!!!
Nachinaju pisat' Meta Search na MIVA.
Dumaju - vot, vse ravno vygody ne budet.
Odnako mne uzhe predlagali prodat' SUBMITME!
Neravnomernost' - men'a razdrazhaet, chto jzuery ne mogut
zapomnit', kakoj extension u men'a. V to zhe vrem'a, ja
ne pomn'u ihnih.
Kontakt s l'ud'mi - a mystery. How do you get to feel
connection ? I have brief glimpses of it.
One thought - separation is an illusion. Call people and
they are usually glad to hear me.
Thinking of form hacking (now enhanced with Miva) - this kind
of integration has NEVER been possible before!
Vot tebe kazhets'a chto ja C davno zabyl - a ved' na JavaScripte
najarivaju, stalo byt' sintaks pomn'u!
"}" v C vvel tot, kto:
a. Ne l'bil mnogo pechatat'.
b. Someone who liked how curly brace looks like. I like it myself
(remember when we first got them on new ES kbds/displays ?)

Monday 08/09/99
Realizacija - 4DOS is powerful!
Pridumaj horoshuju vizualizaciju dl'a "ja ispol'zuju
maloizvestnyj, no diko moschnyj tool".
Zapisal drugu kassetu (beskorystno).
Potom - a mozhet iz etogo kakuju-nibud' vygodu iuzvlech' ?
Getting clear on intent (also known as "intent readjustment") -
when I give gift to a person, remember what the original feeling was.
Chuvstvo - stol'ko nehilyh programm, napisal, gde recognition ?
I milliony ?
"Everything I give, all comes back to me".
Perhaps you can see it this way - the joy and fun that
Internet (the *free* Internet) gave me is immeasurable.
My programs, that are also free, are my contributioon to it.

That is not to say that I can't make any fon-der-pshik out of them,
but to show that they are not in vain.
They helped me and they are helping others.
I also had fun writing them.
Read an article "Chasing grace" - wording similar to my
"that elusive tranqulity".
Visualization: tranqulity is a small circle in the ground.
I am in a racing car, I see this circle far away. I step on the gas
and moments later I overshot it by far. I turn around and go
full speed again. No luck.
Solution is to slow down, so I can stop precisely.
Better yet, get out of the car and walk.
It's ok that I need to edit this file before uploading -
this will ensure I re-read it (which is good).
Find a good way to respond to "What have you been doing ?".
Right now I feel either lost ('what can I say that will
interest this person?' or defensive ('they are impying that
I haven't visited for too long').
Men'a drumvure, kogda drugie schegol'ajut neveshestvom
("ja ne znaju komp'jutery") - no eto otrazhenie moego
sobetvennogo kachestva (ja zajavl'aju "ja ne znaju noty"
ili zhalujus' "ja ne umeju tancevat'").
"At the airport they ask: 'Have anybody given you anything ?'"
Like ideas and limitations that were given and I keep carrying.
Yes! Labels and judgements that stick with me!
Release them.
"There's nobody that has your unique skills, talents, ideas".
Falling out of the moment is easy (like start worrying "what's next ?") -
is there equally simple way to get back in ?
"Why is this happenig FOR me ?"
"What is the gift in this ?"
Segodn'a prishlos' rano vstat' (v hor ehat')
+ Zaslushal servis
+ Pochital Science of Mind
+ Will learn about sound system
Scatman's World - entire world thru one person's perception.
Funny analogy for "somebody insulted me" -
the guy from "Hitchiker's Guide", who decided
to insult the Universe.
Realizacija - kak ja avtomaticheski pishu HTML - slovno esche
odin rodnoj jazyk.
Smotr'u kak juzery moju programmu gon'ajut, realizacija - a ja vse taki mnogo
sdelal dl'a firmy!
Pishu kakuju-to matematicheskuju pl'ushku po rabote - i uvlechen!
Mozhet uzhasy universitetskih let (chislennye metody?) prosto
ustareli, tak kak ja stal ne tol'ko luchshim hakerom, no i
luchshim programmistom.

Thursday 08/12/99
Conflicting emotions:
1) There are some issues in my life that are too scary to face.
2) Nothing is important.
Ehal na rabotu. Veterok, priroda krasivaja, vse vokrug horosho.
A ja nachal vspominat' proshloe.
I podumal - vot ja s nostal'giej dumaju o LOTOSe, kolhoze, kanikulah,
Rige. Togda vokrug men'a byla takaja krasota, chto uzh navernoe ja
byl spokoen i nahodils'a v tekuschem momente. Tak ?
Ne-a. Skoree vsego net.
A znachit i na segodn'ashnij den' ja kogda-to ogl'anus' i podumaju -
vot ved' bylo klassno, naverno mne togda bylo horosho.
Ulavlivaesh' sv'az' ?
Vyhod jasen - nauchit's'a poluchat' kajf ot SEGODN'A, poka ono zdes'.
Potomu chto tol'ko v tekuschem momente ja mogu prozhit' po-nastojaschemu
i bez sozhalenija, chto on ne zdes'.
Realizacija - jabloki nigde tak ne rasli, kak zdes'.
Po doroge na rabotu mozhno narvat' - vkusnye!
Kak uderzhat' chuvstvo "zhit' horosho" ?
Ne pytat's'a razbirat' ego po kostochkam,
Vot kogda ja em morozhebnoe - ja ved' ne
analiziruju pri etom himicheskuju strukturu.
Come up with a funny analogy for "I was interrupted/not paid attention to".
"You have it good
You want it better"
Mama uznala pro moj Kalifornijskij anabasis.
Ochen' ne v kassu.
Podumal, chto odno iz moih ochen' sil'nyh values -
"chtob l'udi ne obizhalis'".
It backfires, of course - vozmozhno bez nego ja by bol'she
obschals'a i men'she zagnival.
It definitely plays into indecision's favor.
Kazhdyj raz kogda vizhu svoj Meta Search, dumaju, "Kakogo cherta? Gde
fanfary? Gde komplimenty?". Solution - click "kompliment" button.
Finding the flow sometimes is about reducing number of choices, till
only the right one is left.

Friday 08/13/99
Pogoda segodn'a zamechatel'naja.
Ehal na mopede na rabotu, taschils'a ot prirody.
Kogda nachal otvlekat's'a, dal sebe ustanovku -
"moja zadacha - protaschit's'a ot puti. Samoe prijatnoe
zan'atie - est' samoe poleznoe".
Kogda komu-to ohota poboltat', on delits'a energiej.
I esli ja slushaju, naverno proishodit obmen => mogu uspokoit's'a.
"How has my past made me a stronger & better person today?"
Stronger - sklonnost' k zagnivaniju pobudila men'a uchit's'a,
kak uluchshat' nastroenie.

Friday 08/20/99
There are 3 kinds of worry:
1) The ones where I can do something - do it!
2) Those where I have do something in the future - set a reminder,
3) Those I have no control over - let go.
When there's a task and I feel resistanse, observe the feeling.
Why am I hesitant ?
Is the task boring ? Is it overdue ? Do I have irrational fears ?

Saturday 08/21/99
Good "interrupt pattern" - naklonis' too low over drinking fountain,
so water hits nose. It's a startle!
When overwhelmed, taking care of things that annoy me could be a good start.
(For example, if something is broke and I can't forget about it).
Zabavnoe sravnenei dl'a "rejection" - iz Nofeleta:
Gena: "Kto dolzhen zhalet' ?"
"Kto ?"