Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house
I watch
He and she leave house
I follow
He and she get on train
I follow
He and she go in hotel
I climb tree-look in window
He kiss she
She kiss he
He strip she
She strip he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
Fall out of tree, not see
NO FEE

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the
pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" he asks.

"It's of a big rooster," she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to
the kitchen table where she has it laid out.

He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for
Pete's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

The first Catholic woman tells her friends
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he
walks
into a room, people call him
'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a
cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say
'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee
in silence, the first three women give her this
subtle "Well...?" Finally she replies, "My son
is a gorgeous, 6' 2, hard-bodied stripper, when
he walks into a room women say,
'Oh my God'."

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, so his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's
wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Hearing this, her family rushed into the room and saw the following note
on
the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the
power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the
voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man
sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go
to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think
of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking
when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know
what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them
truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las
Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy asks, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I
should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year-old girl."

....And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked
the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
you died." "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now,
I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day
on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor
apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home
too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately
began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at
me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find
him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto
the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by
his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from
me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some
bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off
even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first
thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out
onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories
and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that
right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok,
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I
can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure
thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was
out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my
fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a
sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts
cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit
some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I
didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,
unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his
refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on
top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as
the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.",
he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome
to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter.

A few
seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me
about the day you died.", said the angel. "Ok. Picture this.",
says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator.."....................

Submitted by Leo Alekseyev

Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut
like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck
with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I
think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it
would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder
line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're making you do now!"

So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his
wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full
of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

The Genie says, " I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one".

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the
Sardinia, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.

"You're next", the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says," I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

Submitted by Vladimir Zimont

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at
a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of
oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who
passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times,
especially on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day
weekend.

The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling
down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or
so the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the
cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and
some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and
waving at him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his
hiding place was so well concealed.

Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he
was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went to
investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short
distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found
the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road
with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A
little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was
injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the
amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual"
handicap, he was very self-conscious.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business,
so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to
own a business.

So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
He realized, however, that he had no business knowledge at all. So he
decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The
first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"

The candidate said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."

The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate
was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"

This candidate also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."

The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better
than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?"

The candidate replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if
you don't have any f***ing ears!"
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The
sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said,
"But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said,
"Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said,
"Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of
it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the
Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t
talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it ---
a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll
cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I
caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam
Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!"
A frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat
you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he
says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him
a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows
his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it
past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to
go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make
it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final
then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and
explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went
up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but
that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They
did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out
and get something to eat. They
walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad,
there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed
the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son
said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big
enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The
son said, "Now there's
nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Anytime you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts
from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton, and you'll realize
thereare lots of people in the world far, far more idiotic than you could
possibly be...