Razmyshlenija 96go goda
Dnevnik v 97 gofu

Friday 01/02/98
Promising is like asking for "thanks" in advance.
And it usually works.
Problem is this - after promise I may feel "I already got thanks,
what if they take it for granted when I finally do it ?",
and they may feel "we already gave thanks".
*
Synchronized (positive) feelings give a tremendous energy boost -
and in fact it lasts longer than boost I get from praise.
Hey, I even remember the term for it - it's SYNERGY!!!

Saturday 01/03/98
Accepting gift is more important than actually using it later - for the
giver.
*
God-like response and complete response are same thing.
This is the best I can do - on my part.
With that, you can gain even from initially
gniloj (rotten) conversation.

Tuesday 01/06/98
Na komplimenty bojazno otvechat', dumaju: "A vdrug isporchu vpechatlenie ?",
"Luchshe uzhe ne budet".

Tuesday 01/13/98
Giving can come either form unlimited energy source (in which case
it is it's own reward, since the very fact of opening this source
makes me feel better) or from limited one (then my level drops and
I expect to get some back form other person - which doesn't always
happen).
*
Diff between "admitting where problems are" and "seeing everything
as a problem".

Wednesday 01/14/98
When giving, refusal comes LESS OFTEN than expected.
High Energy!
That's what "following the spirit" is all about.

Wednesday 01/28/98
Obeschanie - dejstvie v buduschem.
Opravdanie - dejstvie v proshlom.

Thursday 01/29/98
Voluntarily taking responsibility for what I did gives energy boost.

Friday 01/30/98
I am responsible for mine and only mine actions.

Tuesday 02/03/98
Soznanie opredel'aet bytie - kogda ja hochu skoree s problemoj
spravit's'a, ja dumaju chto mne stanet legche, kogda debugging
konchit's'a.
Togda gipotezy, proverka kotoryh ne javl'aet's'a okonchatel'nym resheniem,
kazhut's'a provalami, nastroenie portit's'a, a togda sledujuschuju
gipotezu uzhe i najti trudnee - i ja zastrevaju v probleme na bol'shee
vrem'a.
Ffu.

Prichiny, pochemu v seredine problemy neploho:
1) Est' cel' (a ravno i cvetovaja differenciacija shtanov).
*
Udivitel'no, kak ja mogu dot'anut' do poslednego, i vse-taki
urvat' vrem'a, chtoby sdelat' to, chto nado.
Pol'za 'multiple problems' - mozhno vybrat', chemu dat' prioritet
i nagnat' to, gde otstal.

Thursday 02/12/98
Citata:
>I've Learned.......
>I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>Age 6
>I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent
>Night".
>Age 7
>I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they
>are doing and wave back.
>Age 9
>I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me
>clean it up.
>Age 12
>I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering
>someone else up.
>Age 13
>I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my
>parents are strict with me.
>Age 15
>I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
>Age 24
>I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
>Age 25
>I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me
>there.
>Age 29
>I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so
>that no one will believe it.
>Age 39
>I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know
>how to show it.
>Age 41
>I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little
>card.
>Age 44
>I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need
>to cast blame on others.
>Age 45
>I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
>Age 46
>I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
>Age 49
>I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the
>phone.
>Age 50
>I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these
>three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
>Age 52
>I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss
>them terribly after they die.
>Age 53
>I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
>Age 58
>I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try
>to improve your marriage.
>Age 61
>I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
>Age 62
>I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both
>hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
>Age 64
>I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you
>focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and
>doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
>Age 65
>I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make
>the right decision.
>Age 66
>I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
>Age 72
>I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've
>seen several.
>Age 73
>I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
>Age 82
>I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.  People
>love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on
>the back.
>Age 85
>I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Tuesday 02/17/98
Kogda ogovorils'a, mozhno porzhat' vmeste s ostal'nymi -
predstav', chti oshibs'a kto-nibud' drugoj!

Thursday 02/26/98
The point of doing something fast is the joy (or relief) of
it being finished.
The point of doing slow is, perhaps, relaxation that the process brings.
*
Indecision gets stronger when there's no way to get info on one
of the alternatives.

Friday 02/27/98
Win95 prompts "Do you want to run program anyway" and "start offline" -
I don't have to answer them, unless I need those programs.
Can it be same with people - I don't even have to think what to
answer to unplesant remark, unless I have intention to deal
with these people in the future ?

Saturday 02/28/98
Scenario: I planned something for today. Now, being in uncreative
state, I don't want to do it - and if I do, try to get it over with
(as if it's some duty forced on me... kind of relates to the
story "Peak States", doesn't it ?)
*
Walls are moved farther during periods of creativity - but it doesn't
mean that can't be stretched anymore!
Like MLIST - seems like it's natural thing to do - but it wasn't always -
I took a stretch and created it. There's no limit to what else I can do.
*
Hot&cold water meditation - vsegda pod rukoj. Zdorovo dejstvuet -
v processe pojavilis' novye mysli i dazhe son vspomnil - hot'a
on vs'u dorogu na rabotu ot men'a uskol'zal.

Monday 03/02/98
Vina podkatyvaet, kogda dumaju, chto ja komu-to chto-to dolzhen.

Monday 03/09/98
One man's vision becomes another's reaslity.
Example: "Melody".
Caveat - being trapped in reality that I created, but have forgotten
about it - and now thinking that that's the only thing there is.
MLIST, for example. It's great, but it's vision of June 97 -
more can be done!
*
Interesting things to do come up during meditation.

Tuesday 03/10/98
Izbezhanie peregruzki - chto, naprimer, delat' vo-vrem'a dlinnoj pechati ?
Perhaps, explore printer-related prgs with no specific purpose.

Thursday 03/19/98
Disk-Zhokei na Radio 101 - otlichnyj primer togo, kak
nachinat' razgovor. Mozhno pouchit's'a :)
*
Chasto obida prihodit ne vo-vrem'a obschenija, a vposledstvii -
kogda kolupajus' v slovah i intentah uchastnikov razgovora.
Odno iz vozmozhnyh reshenij - skazat' pro seb'a "Spasibo, razgovor
okonchen".

Wednesday 03/25/98
Realizacija - ja ne belka v kolese i ne pokupatel', kotoryj
na nee smotrit. Ja i tot, i drugoj, i sama kletka, i sozdatel'
vsego etogo. Vselennaja.

Kstati, task jumping i interes ko vsemu vpisyvaets'a v etu
kartinu - esli ja - vse, to hochet's'a men'at's'a.
No nichto ne ubezhit, tak i chto i skoncentrirovat's'a na
chem-to odnom, poznat' ego polnost'ju - v kajf.

Friday 03/27/98
With animated cursor I am actually glad to wait till it changes
back to arrow - relaxation.
*
Sometimes rush doesn't make sense  - I don't know what
I'll do next, but yet hurry up the current task (which, btw, often
is not hurriable - like zip compression).

Maybe it's just the opposite - anxiety over 'nothing to do next'
causes rush.

Monday 03/30/98
Vkl'uchenie MODa utrom v ponedel'nik diko pomoglo, poka
ja ne nachal volnovat's'a - "kak zhe tak, l'udi govor'at,
a ja ne slushaju". Phooey! Ja potomu i odel naushniki, chto
ne hochu slushat'!
*
Redefinition:
"Now I have to go get that goddamn hub" - change 'goddamn to
'pattern-breaking'" :)

Thursday 04/02/98
In struggle to have every minute filled with interesting things
to do, stress comes. For example, when I devour mlist messages
(or regular email), rush thru them and feel responsible to answer
every question right away.
The other pole is when I get tired of that self-appointed responsibility
and don't even look at messages for a long time. And don't answer any.
So, what would be the right approach ?
Read, reflect, take time off :)
*
Unizitel'noe chuvstvo - Matvej progressiruet, tolkaet proekt,
a ja nichego osobo ne delaju, kak budto i ne sposoben.
S-ocenka padaet ot takih shtuk.
Vyhod ?
Interesnye proekty, chto zhe esche.
I ne ob'azatel'no rabochie - novyj krutoj soft, kotoryj
usilivaet pol'zu kompa tozhe krutaja vesch'.

Nu, i drugie proekty tozhe pomogut.
I voobsche obschenie.
"Vselennaja,  kak   uzhe   otmechalos',   vyzyvaet   nekotoryj
diskomfort	svoej velichinoj. Vprochem, bol'shinstvo ee obitatelej
predpochitajut ne obraschat' na etot fakt vnimanija.
Mnogie iz nih s ogromnym udovol'stviem vzjali by i obmenjali
etu Vselennuju na men'shuju, postroennuju imi samimi. Chto,  kstati,
bol'shinstvo iz nih i delaet."

"Edinstvennye ogloedy, kotorym hot'  raz  udalos'  pokinut'
eto  derevo  -- eto te, kogo vyshvyrnuli za zhutkoe prestuplenie:
oni dumali, est' li drugie derev'ja, kotorye mogut  podderzhivat'
zhizn',  ili  na  samom  dele  eto  -- prosto illjuzija, vnushennaja
neumerennym upotrebleniem oglorehov."

Monday 04/13/98
Horoshee nastroenie:
1) Nautilus rubaet
Napominaet o Rige.
Segodn'a v klub pojdu.
Juriku pomogu - podvezu.
Est' s kem obschat's'a.
Flow is back.
Uspeshno vypoln'aju zadanie.
X2 snova rabotaet! I po 101 krut'at horoshie pl'ushki - sv'az'
besperebojna.
Ehma!!!
*
Novyj smysl dl'a timesheet - it's pretty cool, kogda ja vspominaju
i nahozhu stat'ju, kuda mozhno uhnut' vrem'a. "Kotov urezat' do minimuma."
*
Sol for overload situation (I do one thing and start thinking about
another):
stop what am I doing - number of tasks decreases.
On the contrary, 'grind my teeth and continue' maybe very wrong way -
overload continues.

Saturday 04/18/98
"Groundhog Day" - shows how many ways there are to look at the same events!

Tuesday 04/21/98
Metod Entropii - when trying to learn something new, it says
"Yes, but it's not mainstream, what's the use ?".
If I listen, I get stuck with the old - boo!

Friday 04/24/98
Dl'a Pavlika futbol'nye perepitii takzhe real'ny, kak dl'a
men'a - mopednye. None of them could be total realities,
but they sure are PERSONAL realities.
*
Okonchanie proekta - kak orgazm - vysshaja tochka, a potom
padenie.

Tuesday 04/28/98
Zavershenie upr'amoj problemy daet dikoe spokojstvie, prijatnoe
nastroenie i uverennost' v sebe.

Friday 05/01/98
Possible explanation while forms work better on website than
email links - it's the easy if filling a clear form vs. writing
an essay!

Monday 05/04/98
Exploring state - received a great letter, like what it says,
want to share it...
don't want to reply as much - rather read others...
and this is how unanswered stuff grows - from good letters!
(though not nec, bad ones too :)

Friday 05/08/98
When I feel like nobody comes to me, perhaps the first step
would to be answer those who did - for example,  answering
email I put off for later.
*
"A chto - les ? Ja tam ne byla, no popadi ja tuda, ne dumaju, chtoby
ochen' raster'alas'. Gde les - tam tropinki, gde tropinki - tam l'udi,
a s l'ud'mi vsegda dogovorits'a' mozhno".

Strugackie, "Ulitka na Sklone"

Monday 05/11/98
Confirmed once again - when cleaning up the mailbox,
as soon as I skip one email, thinking
"I'll answer it later", it becomes harder to answer other as well.
*
"You cannot solve a problem with the same level of thinking
that created it"

Tuesday 05/12/98
Change of state - from "so many problems" to "there's
something interesting to do".

Wednesday 05/13/98
Sojuz byl takim zhe 'kolossom na glin'anyh nogah', kak i carskaja
Rossija - russkie l'udi uvazhajut zakony i pravila, no tol'ko
vneshne (kak i ja :)

Monday 05/18/98
When I don't mean to attack, but the other person strikes back,
this could be sign of insecurity.

Tuesday 05/19/98
Vozmozhno, reshat' chuzhie problemy - kak n'anchit' chuzhih detej -
horoshee i poleznoe delo, no v konce koncov men'a ne
kasajuschees'a => spokojstvie.
('Direktora s raboty snimajut - a mne tryn trava')

Saturday 05/23/98
"If you choose to accept rather than do, then REALLY accept it.
Don't look at the pile of dirty laundry each time you pass by it
and berate yourself for not having done the laundry".


Thursday 06/04/98
Giperbola, do absurda uvelichennoe izobrazhenie opasnosti,
pomogaet ot straha/volnenija.

Thursday 06/11/98
When something unpleasant blocks my actions, it may be worth
the effort to get it done and out of the way, so I can examine
my options with clear head.

Friday 06/12/98
Hidden abundance - I couldn't find 3COM toll free number in
the web - then I went to my phonebook - and it was there already!
*
Interesno, chuvak poshet v MOD info: "for protracker only".
V ego mire eto bol'shaja vesch'.
A ja dazhe ne znaju, chto eto - i vse ravno uspeshno slushaju!

Saturday 06/13/98
As for others thinking about me - when I am teased
as long as I come up with a retort, this is what they will remember.
*
It's not important WHAT I am doing, it's important how I feel while at it.
If energy flows and ideas bubble, I AM doing the right thing!

Tuesday 06/16/98
Kogda padaet samoocenka, ja dumaju "Mogut uvolit', mozhet vo mne
razocharovalis" vmesto "Ha! Kuda oni bez men'a! A dl'a men'a rabotu
najti - raz pl'unut'!".
*
Sitting comfortably while doing something - it's a first step
against stress - because there's no tension and I can take my time
to do thing right.

Thursday 06/18/98
Watch the download process, do nothing else - and write down
thoughts that come up (like other things to do - but don't
actually rush ahead to do them :)
This way time will be spent usefully & there's no overload
& I may recall some stuff I've forgotten.
*
Primer bespoleznosti volnenija: ehal na rabotu, kasseta zvuchala
ploho, ja volnovals'a, chto pridets'a novyj plejer pokupat'.
A kogda doehal, posmotrel na kassetu, uvidel, chto v nej delo
i pochinil.
Sprashivaets'a, zachem volnovals'a ?

Friday 06/19/98
Advantages of random kindness:
1) It's unexpected + giver may not even be present, so it
easier gets thru defences.
2) It's diverse - therefore people can't get used to it,
and stop being grateful (this is important, because when I don't
feel grateful/pleasantly surprised, I don't really have the urge to pass
kindness further).

Tuesday 06/23/98
I get inbalanced when completeness depends on somebody - for example
I created something and I just have to show it, so I can stay creative
and go on.
Alternative ?
Make it better - until it's so good, I don't need an approval :)
Another alt - share it with MANY people, like on the web... of course
I do this already... problem is, most programs and tips are not
polished enough to put online - and I don't feel it's worth the time.

Friday 06/26/98
Use my procrastination skills to put off worrying.
Use my unrestfulness to get more things done.

Saturday 06/27/98
Rather than being dissapointed that I am NOT doing something, I can
be glad that I have enough energy & interest to do something else.
*
There's no ultimate goal and therefore there's no ultimate failure.
But the process is pleasant.
*
Backfiring - energija, ne prehod'aschaja v poleznuju rabotu.
*
Slozhnost' stereogamii - kogda energija napravlena na odno (odnu?),
to na druguju ne ostaets'a.
Same as with hobbies.

Monday 06/29/98
When my energy level is low, the right occupation would
be something that could get me excited.

Tuesday 06/30/98
"You emotions are created by your thougts, therefore
emotions cannot PROVE that your thoughts are valid.

Thursday 07/02/98
Interesno, kogda ja kakoj-nibud' muzon slushaju pri drugih (i volnujus'),
to kak budto ponizhaets'a uroven terpimosti - naprimer k
povtorenijam v pesne.
Kak budto vstaju na poziciju potencial'nogo kritika.

Tuesday 07/07/98
When I have nothing to do, feel not so hot because of it and
I am delayed, I feel annoyed.
Well, consider this - this delay gives me a chance NOT to think
about what to do next! It's in Dog's hands until the wait is over!
Example - traffic jam. Most of the time, I DON'T have a rush
appointment to get to - the annoyed feeling is automatic. The
truth is, I don't have to feel what others do (or what I assume
others do).

Wednesday 07/08/98
When somebody willingly does something for me, with little
effort on my part I can actually get what I want - by
letting them know what it is :)
*
What would be the good answer to Entropy when I am doing something
and it nags "It's useless", "Will not succeed" ?
1) I've succeeded before, despite failure predictions.
2) Everything that interests me IS useful.

Thursday 07/09/98
Leftover reaction - I suspect that I messed up, feel bad,
then turns out that everything is ok - but the down note
state remains!
*
Debugging - anoyance level raises as program refuses to
do what it's supposed to.
Sol ?
Probably, take step back and clear head - fresh idea may come up,
instead of hammering the code with trace statements :)
*
Writing stuff here is good if even it's not going to be published
- because with this file I will re-read it at least once !
*
Ping-Pong:
1) Trenirovals'a otbvat' kruchenye udary Andreja - i zametil
interesnuju detal': na bystrom udare molnienosno srabatyvaet reakcija -
i udar uspeshno otbit; a na bolee medlennom est' vrem'a podumat',
kak otbivat' - i ja zaparyvaju ego!
2) Zametil, chto igrat' legche, esli pered kazhdym udarom napominat'
sebe, chto schet - 0-0. Togda mozhno igrat' "one step a a time",
bez nagruzki uderzhat' schet ili naoborot dognat'.
*
Note the breakpoint - work over, so is hack, nothing to do.
Idea of socializing comes to mind, but is suppressed:
1) Far to ride.
2) What to do once I get there ?
Sol: get off the dead spot (work) and see if flow begins.
*Done that! Worked great - rode a moped to Sverdlov's,
had a blast on the way. Going back was pretty good too,
though rain prevented me from leaving on time, so I rescheduled
and came to work by 5 :) *

Saturday 07/11/98
When feeling down, explore ways to snap out of it - including
those ways that I don't anticipate to be helpful (since I
can't really tell in advance).
Example: listen to what people are saying - any distraction may
be the straw that will pull me up.
*
When I worry about something, saying "I will not worry about it"
doesn't work. However, scheduling "I will worry about it in 30 minutes"
works! I set the time myself - by the time it passes I may forget about
the subject or do something about it.

Monday 07/13/98
Sometimes making decision brings relief - the source of worry
was procrastination itself.
*
'Registry problem' is humiliating - hot'a god knows,
I tried hard to get rid of it, no vse ravno kak-to stydno.
A pereustanavlivat' win95 ne t'anet... hot'a zamet', esli
by ja poluchil novyj komputer, to sdelal by eto bez osobogo
sozhalenija - i poradovals'a by, chto s registry vse v por'adke!
*
Practice looking at win-win.
For example, loading Hotmail:
1) If got new messages, ura, posmotrim!
2) If not, ku - ne budut meshat' mne razobrats'a
s katalogami, kotorye uzhe zakazany.

Tuesday 07/14/98
Another obstacle on the way to tranquility is the attitude
"I can't feel calm till problem is solved".
With that approach, I may cycle between "rush to get it done",
"short elation over success", "boredom of having nothing to do",
"guilt that something else has to be done" and back to the beginning!
*
Duality - when debugging, I both want and don't want prg to break.
Maybe because it's hard to switch from "working is good" to
"broken is good" thinking :)
*
When I feel elation, the bubbling joy, then being in a company
is the easiest thing.
Well, guess what - biz is one more source of pleasure!
*
Cool - sometime I can help user while they are still
stating the problem :)
*
Blesk - state of hack + elation ot togo, chto pervyj sale na rabote.

Wednesday 07/15/98
Trying method - when I can't proceed because waiting for somebody else,
take a break rather than jumping at another task.

Thursday 07/16/98
No wonder people are reluctant to give their email addresses,
while revealing mailing address - they are afraid of spammers.
*
Things like "let's check ebay, see if there are more bids"
are energy draining - because more likely there's no changes
since last check - and when I see that, I feel immobilized.
*
Moped Underworld - example of thinking opposite to spirititual -
that is, holding on to things I don't need, hoping that some day
I'll gain from them. Alternative - give them away!
ABBu ja Andreju otdal imenno spiritual'no.

Friday 07/17/98
Primer "disqualifying the positive" - nastroenie upalo,
rubaet horoshaja muzyka - ja ee ignoriruju.
A ved' mozhno i proitaschits'a - ved' klassnaja muzyka - eto ku!
*
When I am in worrisome frame of mind, changing subject doesn't
help - I merely find what to worry about in the new subject.
Solution - since everything is a two-side coin -
find what's good about current situation - then switch to others and do the
same.

Tuesday 07/28/98
Parallel' - napisal progru, kotoraja zapuskaets'a na vseh
kompah vo-vrem'a zagruzki i delaet log fajl.
Proveril, net li uzhe logov, i ogorchils'a - ochen'
pohozhe na neterpenie, s kotorym ja inogda zhdu emaila.

Wednesday 07/29/98
Feeling "I've been working here too long" is sort of like
with girlfriend - except rabota netrebovotel'na - ja mogu
libo rabotat', kak pchelka, libo bit' baklushi celyj den'.

Thursday 07/30/98
Synchronicity - I was thinking of song 'Gertruda', loaded
WINAMP - and that same song was randomly picked!
*
Sometimes volume greatly adds to feeling - for example when
MP3 plays loud - perhaps quality is most noticeable... or all
words are heard.

Friday 07/31/98
Excitement is contagious - if shef wants to know what you are
doing and you ARE doing cool projects, you will be able to talk
about them colorfully and pass along the excitement!

Wednesday 08/05/98
Slowness causes lack of desire to do something.
Examples: scanning at home, when I know every scan takes several
minutes. Also dling at work, since cable modem at home will take
care of it almost instantly.
LATER: BTW, the scanning is fixed now - great stuff!

Friday 08/07/98
Stardartnyj entropijnyj nag: "A zachem eto nuzhno ?".
Otvet: "I vse-taki sdelaem! Raz prishla mne takaja mysl', to vpered.
Besides, dejstvie luchshe inertnosti".
I esche: "Esli eto interesno, to plezno!"
Even if this particular task is not very useful, I'll find other
ones once I get moving!
*
My s Pavlikom horosho drug druga dopoln'aem: ja otkryvaju
i uvlekaju, a on dovodit do uma.
Primery: "get smart", "dobie", "3 stooges", "b&b" - vse eti shou
otkryl ja, a pavlik sdelal polnye sobranija.

Saturday 08/08/98
Kogda spokojno (i gordo) na dushe, i pesni slushajuts'a luchshe.
*
As if original purpose of fear is to help me be careful and cover my
tracks, perhaps original purpose of unease and dissatisfaction is
to keep me from stagnation!
Note that both may go out of control when they work automatically.
Yet, they could also be tools of locating the FLOW.

Vizualizacija: personal'nyj rost - eto postroenie zdanija.
Kogda ja chto-to uznal, pon'al, dostig - eto novyj etazh.
Posle etogo ja mogu rasslabits'a, sid'a v shezlonge na kryshe,
a kogda pochusvtvuju bespokojstvo - znachit snova est' energija
stroit' dal'she.
V etoj kartine javno vidny vozmozhnye oshibki:
1) Ignorirovanie svoih uspehov - ne priznavat', chto zdanie
rastet.
2) Chrezmernoe sravnenie s drugimi - tartit' stol'ko sil na
izmerenie drugih neboskrebov, chto uzhe ne ostaets'a sil stroti' svoj.
*
Example of "I can make a difference" - called the vending machine guys
about "you spin me" problem and he said it must be computer board
problem - and that it should be replaced!
See, and I thought that either "they don't care" or that "somebody
else will tell them". None of that! It's me!

Monday 08/10/98
There may be a reason I often instantly get 2nd question as soon
as I start fixing something - they feel the creative energy and
want to tap into it.

Sol ?
Well, I guess I can enjoy it - just acknowledge th fact that I
feel creative and that people are being attracted to mer!
*
Possible reason why programming is succ and all around great - there's
neverending self-talk going on.
(Something I've tried on ither life with recorder and organizer).
As I know, they are both good, but have opposite weaknesses:
hard to retrieve on recorder and hard to input on organizer
v pohodnyh uslovijah.

Monday 08/10/98
Zadacha: Find good way to deal with
with "I know this doesn't serve me, but I can't help it".
*
"Bez teb'a ja prizrak,
Chto iz hrama izgnan,
Bez men'a ty - skuchnyj mif"
('Antihrist')

Tuesday 08/11/98
Whoa!
Behold, here comes the fear of success!
69 requests from Catalog Central in just one week!

Wednesday 08/12/98
A chto, breaking task into manageable chunks does work!
*
Ku, R'abchik ob'javils'a na Internete!

Slushaju MP3 i dumaju, chto neploho by s nim podelits'a -
mozhno CDR zazhech' - esli u nego est' komp s CDROM - pochemu by i net ?

Friday 08/14/98
Anxiety - when i feel that my success depends on factors I
have no control over.
Possible sol, soglasno knige "Feeling Good" - slightly redefine
what success is - so as it does depend solely on me.

Tuesday 08/18/98
Nashel, pochemu men'a dostaet gnev drugih - it's reflecting the
fact that I myself get annoyed easily.
It's belief "I cannot feel good till this is done - therefore every
obstacle is a menace! And so is any distraction".
Alternative: "I can feel good before, during and after this is done.
Obstacles prolong state while I have something useful to do.
Distractions may give me new clues".

Thursday 08/20/98
Ura!
Vstretil Tiffany, poboltali, ona skazala chto ee novaja
kompanija "needs someone like you", a ja voz'mi da i vverno ej kartochku
"Andrei's Consulting" :):)

Friday 08/21/98
Theory - what if the initial purpose of Worry is to help me remember
things to do ?
I cannot attend to them now, but because the thought crossed my
mind, I am more likely to remember them when the right time comes!
*
When doing a chore, first thing to do is to make sure I am comfortable -
prime annoyance reducer.
That's right. When I am uncomfortable, I feel like "I must finish
the chore before I can relax" - and then every slowdown and
obstacle are hard to tolerate!
Hey, I wonder if they use the opposite of this method during
interrogation - make subject uncomfortable, so he'll want to end
it as soon as possible - i.e., confess.
*
Nashel novuju myshku juzeram, oni ne poradovalis'.
Well, the point is, I did a good thing - I could have done it
with nobody around - and still it would be good!
Sort of 'remember that it's random kindness - even when others
are present'.
*
Diff look at cleanup - even old hardware pieces
are still toys that I can play with.
*
Kogda nastroenie ne ochen' ku, to kriticheskie pesni
(tipa "Ne pinajte dohluju sobaku") zadevajut - prinimaju na
svoj schet.
*
Chem zanimats'a, kogda sidish' dnem v probke ?
Na devchonok smotret' - ih dnem nevidimo-vidimo - eto noch'ju
odni muzhuki shastajut :)

Monday 08/24/98
"Sobaki lajut, a karavan idet" - Zadornov sjel s go**om pesn'u
"Podmoskovnye Vechera", a ee vse ravno pojut!
*
SUCCESS IS MAKING YOURSELF FEEL GOOD AND CAUSING YOURSELF TO GROW.
THAT'S SUCCESS.
FAILURE IS BEING ABLE TO FIND SOMETHING TO BE MISERABLE ABOUT,
NO MATTER HOW GOOD THINGS ARE.
THAT'S  F A I L U R E.
*
Kogda popup dialog ponevole zakryvaets'a drugoj programmoj
(naprimer, obnovl'ajuschej status window), mozhno na eto smotret'
ne kak na razdrazhitel, a kak na melen'kuju arkadnuju igru - nado
uspet' kliknut' prezhde chem zakrojut :)
*
Vo-vrem'a volnenija byvaet polezno zan'ats'a obschestvenno poleznym delom -
potomu chto pri etom perekl'uchaets'a "zona volnenija".

Wednesday 08/26/98
Overload - suddenly remember more and more things that should be done -
feel like I can't succ handle them all.
*
Giving back to the Internet - found out how to skyrocket Yamaha MIDI
quality - and posted on Usenet!

Thursday 08/27/98
Vicious circle - when I am unsure in myself, my performance is low
and that in turn seems to provide "reality evidence" for low
esteem.
How to break the circle ?
Perhaps, remind myself that I performed great on numerous
occasions in the past ?
*
Vozmozhnoe original'noe naznachenie neusidchivosti - raznostoronnee
razvitie! Shilo v 5j tochke napominaet mne, chto est' i drugie
interesy, krome glavnogo.

Friday 08/28/98
Consider my strife for harmony - the flip side is that
when somebody feels bad (physically or mentally), I sometimes
sort of try to get in sync and then I feel bad myself!
*
Poisk emocij - hochets'a chego-to, chto zatmit po sile
perezhivanija, kotorye chasto naplyvajut v otsutstvie
sobytij.
*
Shodstvo emocional'nogo narkoza s medicinskim - net chuvstva
v processese (hot'a s Leusami ja kak raz poproschals'a dushevno - slomal
pattern!), a potom bol' - ne takaja sil'naja, no bolee dlinnaja.
*
Sluchajno udalil ves' NL source - i s zhutkoj energiej brosils'a ego
vosstanavlivat'. Za den' oboshel to, nad chem prokrastiniroval mes'acami.
Poter'a togo, chto bylo - diko moschnyj istochnik energii...
hot'a naprimer strah vozmozhnoj poteri - not so much.
Is there another way I can recharge from this source ?
Why is it so powerful in the first place ?
*
Poju i bojus', chto uslyshat' chernye dvorniki i ne odobr'at.
BUT - mne ved' ne nravits'a, kak onu rybar'at.
Znakomo - mne hochets'a, chtob men'a tol'ko odobr'ali, while I retain
my freedom of ocenka.

(Kstati ku, pooral vmeste s Shevchukomi - dazhe samochuvstvie
uluchsilos'!)
A za etim 'Kombat' srubal na polnye legkie.
Blin, takoe penie - dikaja emocional'naja recharge!!!

Saturday 08/29/98
Inogda pri kritike mozhno vmesto 'ty' skazat' 'my' - chtoby
predotvratit' zaschitnuju reakciju.
Analog uzhe rabitajuschego metoda - kogda rasskazyvaju
o svoih chuvstvah, goivorit' imenno "ja", a ne "ty" ili "l'udi".
*
"Noch' koroche dn'a" - ozloblennyj chuvak.
Ni na zemle, ni na nebe pokoja najti ne mozhet.
*
Worrying about Flea Market - well, here's win-win:
Either there are sales - then it's success and full steam
ahead! Or there's none - then I don't have to do anything
about refilling the stock.
See ? If many cases win-win is just as easy to see as lose-lose -
I just need to pay attention.

This principle doesn't work all the time, but very often.

Pravda byvaet, chto vyvozhu ++, a vse ravno chuvstvuju --.
Pri etom mozhno vse ravno zanimats'a novymi veschami, no
kajf ot nih padaet - strahu mozhet byt' bol'she, chem
udovol'stvija.

Pozvonil - govorit "my shibko zan'aty, perezvoni na nedele".
What a dork!
A s drugoj storony total'nyj pl'us - nichego delat' ne nado
i provala tozhe ne bylo :)
*
L'ube - na vojne soldat t'anet domoj, a doma...
o vojne vspominajut.

Tuesday 09/01/98
When having hard time picking next task, even a random choice is
better than being immobilized.
Consider - even if the task I pick is not the best one, eventually
I'll complete it or get bored with it - and then choosing the other
one is easier.

Kak Buridanov osel - est' i pit' hochets'a odinakovo, no esli nachat',
skazhem, s pit'ja, to skoro bol'she budet hotets'a est'.
*
Volnujus' o tom, chto nachal'nik dumaet, chto ja ne rabotaju.
I chto interesno, kak raz v posledn'uju nedel'u ili dve ja ochen'
dazhe rabotaju.
A kogda ja otlynivaju, to u men'a vsegda naoborot gotova legenda,
chem ja zanimaus' - vrasploh ne zastat'.
Sol - kogda on ne majachit, i volnovats'a ne o chem (s glaz doloj...).
A kogda pojavils'a, mozhno skazat', chto delaju (+ lapshu na ushi).

Kstati, mozhet on potomu i majachit, chto boits'a - deskat', ne
mozhet pridumat' mne interesnogo zan'atija, togo i gl'adi ja kuda-nibud'
uplyvu.
*
Kogda prinos'at bug report, a smotret' na nego ne hochets'a,
ja ego ostavl'aju lezhat' iz uvazhenija, a potom oni nakaplivajuts'a
i nachinajut dovlet'.
Sol:
1) Vybrasyvaj po istechenii.
2) Gruzi v folder.

Friday 09/04/98
Izuchaju i optimiziruju starye kompy.
Interesno i uznaju novye veschi.
Entropija: "Zachem ? Znanie ustareloe."
Ja:
"a) Znanie me byvaet ustarelym:
b) We stil have these comps.
c) Knowledge may applier to newer machines too.
d) What's interesting, IS right thing to do. Flow."

Tuesday 09/08/98
Parallel':
V lichnoj zhizni - "ja diko krutoj, no bojus', chto drugie
etogo ne ocen'at".
V rabote - "ja prevoshodno razbirajus' v komp'juterah, no bojus',
chto rabotodatel'i ne voz'mut".
*
"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you really wanted."

Wednesday 09/09/98
Pridumal vizualizaciju dl'a "Vse uzhe est'":
ja v ogromnom magazine, v kotorom est' vse - i vse moe.
Kogda drugie l'udi mne chto-to dajut, oni osveschajut
fonarikom odnu iz polok, i ja vizhu, chto tam.

Thursday 09/10/98
Pol'za ot self-interesta - predlagaji nachal'niku apgrejdanut',
on dovolen, a mne ot etogo ostanuts'a zapchasti!

Friday 09/11/98
Overload - as I switch to single task and successfully recover from
stress, there's tendency to take on several things again.

Monday 09/14/98
S kreditnymi departamentami unizitel'no govorit' - rezhut na vseh voprosah
(homeowner, bla, bla).
Zvonil im, potomu chto MBNA predlozhil upgrade na Platinum, a ja zahotel
uvelichenie kredita bez perehoda na drugoj nomer karty.
Still, kogda zadajut voprosy i opcii otveta, i prihodits'a dobavl'at'
svoj otvet, potomu chto ego net v spiske... brrr! V sledujuschij
raz s nimi men'she hochets'a govorit'.

Wednesday 09/16/98
Mozhno	budet slushat' koncovku "Vision of the Future" - ona
mne segodn'a diko podn'ala nastroenie.

Friday 09/18/98
Playing with hardware could be like hacking -
getting deeper from one subroutine to another.
Good stuff!!
*
There's no danger of me getting behind technologically -
since computer is what I do most of the time, I always
stay on the edge!

Saturday 09/19/98
Possible explanation for 'decision breakpoint' - I get tired
of indecision and jump at next choice that comes by impulse.
Happens in chess and in buying stuff.

Tuesday 09/22/98
Metod entropii - kogda ja tverdo reshil zan'ats'a chem-to poleznym, E.
govorit: "Da, no eto ne SAMOE poleznoe delo".
*
I esche odin - kogda ja barahtajus' pod kuchej zadanij i uspeshno
reshaju odno, E. taldychit "Polegchalo, tak davaj povolnuems'a
obo vseh ostal'nyh srazu".
*
"No mne kazhets'a, stoit vstat'
Dazhe esli pridets'a upast'"
ALISA

Wednesday 09/23/98
The way my browser preference changes shows how the personal
reality can differ from 'objective reality'.
*
My belief "cheapest is best" could be based on thinking
that all higher prices are a ripoff - brand name, markup and so on.
Yet, it's not nec the case. For example, I already that
there are GOOD hard drive brands (WD), as opposed to clunkers like Samsung.

Thursday 09/24/98
Theory - Lucid Police/Van Hellsing are the Lucid equivalents of
Entropy. They show up when I am having too much fun - to place
limitations on me.
Possible positive outcome - if I can confront them in LD - and win -
they perhaps the daytime Entropy will weaken as well!

Saturday 09/26/98
Note - when I have important, immediate task, then it's easier to stop
thinking about things that bug me.
It's like system that starts thrashing as soon as it thinks that
user is idle.
Explains why I want to do something all the time - because mind chatter
reaches yucky levels when I am idle.
Just like thrashing - it's supposedly for the good cause - but the benefits
are overshadowed by the innefeciency of processing.
*
Hey, wait a minute!
Maybe that's the folly of "get it done sooner" - the mind is calm
WHILE there's something to do, not it between!
*
Interesting concept - let other people know what I want and let
them speak up for themselves.
Trying to accomodate for others and prevent their hidden resentment,
I build up a hell of a hidden resentment of my own!
*
Hey, turns out that it was only a month ago when I decided to
'give back to Usenet' by posting selective tips!
*
Confirmed - jumor okazyvaet celitel'noe dejstvie, when the subject
is tough.
Razr'azhaet obstanovku.
*
When I think "damn, there's nothing important to do", just think
of one thing I've been putting off.
While at it, relax: I AM DOING SOMETHING USEFUL.
*
Hey, here's a plus - my work comp actually IS pretty stable!
*
When my comp breaks and I spent hours to get it back in shape,
eto kak beg na meste v "Alisa v Zazerkal'e".

Monday 09/28/98
When idle worry (thrashing) starts, it's time to do something
active.
Worry is thinking about future actions and being afraid that
they'll fail. Extremely unproductive, since it hinders desire to
even start them.

Wednesday 09/30/98
Po povodu razrushenija stereotipov - ja sovsem nedavno
soglasils'a s Pavlikom, chto "Svet gorel vs'u noch'" - glupaja pesn'a.  A
sejcas, smotri ty taschus' ot nee vovs'u!
*
Upgraded Novell server. At first it seemed like cache is totally
dead - loading EW took long time again and again.
CACHE.KEX couldn't speed up. I felt pretty helpless and mad
at the server.
Then my friend, the poet, called. First I felt impatient -
disctraction, while I should be fixing the server. But then
I calmed down and listened to his new verses.
5 minutes later, when conversation was over, I checked the server -
and it was fine!

Thursday 10/01/98
Smotrel na kamyshi - kogda veter, oni gnuts'a vse vmeste i
ne lomajuts'a. A kogda zatish'e, oni smotr'at kazdhyj v svoju storonu,
odin dazhe ko mne naguls'a.
I ja podumal - chto, esli i u l'udej tak ? V bede stoim drug za druga,
a v mirnoe vrem'a kazhdyj sam razvivaets'a, sleduet svoim uvlechenijam.
*
Memory keys:
When I go thru sequence of events to find something I've lost -
I am using the keys of time.
When setting anchor to be associated with certain felling,
I set the key of state.
*
Finding the happy medium between "there's nothing to do, I'm bored" and
"there's so much stuff, I am overwhelmed": "THERE ARE ALWAYS INTERESTING
THINGS TO KEEP ME BUSY WHEN I WANT TO BE".
*
Confirmed again - sitting comfortably is extremely important
while attempting a task. Lack of physcical tension leads to more
relaxed and successfull woik.

Friday 10/02/98
Situations where I used to be annoyed about, but now am calm feel
victoriously - like conquered territories.
Example - opening cassetes/tapes/CDs - I used to struggle with
wraps, but now they almost open themselves.
*
Possible answer to "what to write about in email" - share things that
happened to me, but I didn't get a chance to tell anybody.
*
Messed up at work - scratched motherboard, that broke 4 of those
tiny wires that run on it - and mobo is dead.
Entropy: "How can you do anything after you mess up like that ?"
Me: "I lost that one. But the only way I can lose complete war is
if I allow myself to get immobilized. Then both knowledge
and new ideas will be wasted!"

Tuesday 10/06/98
Garmonichnoe razvitie - what if in order to prevent getting
caught up in one thing, do one ohota (computing for myself),
one fr (programming for work), one email ?
(As long as they are interesting, of course).
As I go thru the circle, welcome the external requests -
more variety.

Hey, that could be the purpose of variety/choices - to be in harmony!

Potential bright side of distraction - if used properly, could help
diversity.

Sometimes doing a thing as soon as other person starts asking for it
is a good way to ensure there's plenty of lead time.

Wednesday 10/07/98
Poproboval proiznesti svoe im'a, gl'ad'a v zerkalo: "Andr'usha".
Ogo!
An'a prava - v etom est' energija!
*
When looking for positive memory to balance the neg one,
make sure it's charged - not just "it's nice".
This could be the key to the whole positive thinking business!!!

Question - can we build up positive charge when good thing happens ?
What about retaining it ?
*
Note the diff between harmony & task jumping (switching back and
forth before any are done).
Q: What to do if I spent some time on the task, can't solve it and
am getting frustrated ?
*
Thought of exercise "do 2 things you've been putting off" - and
felt resistance - even before I recalled what those things could be.
*
If you need permission to feel good, take time to celebrate
after an achievement - that's reason as real as it gets.

Also, that's good time to call somebody and interact - use
the momentum of high confidence!
*
Primer avtomaticheskogo osuzhdenija - na rabote kto-to ostavil
nedoedennyj kusok torta s vilkoj. Dumaju: "Vot kozly, vilkoj ed'at".
Hot'a, esli ob'ektivno, est' lozhkoj - eto privychka i ne bol'she.
*
Nash otvet maloveram - segodn'a ja nachal den' v otlichnom sostojanii
i sobral komp shefu bez problem.
So, horoshee nastroenie uluchshaet rabotosposobnost'!
*
Vazhnost' garmonii - kogda ja otozhdestvl'aju seb'a s odnim iz
svoih interesov, pust' dazhe krutym, moja samoocenka popadaet
v zavisimost' ot togo, kak uspeshno idet delo.
The truth is, ja bol'she vseh etih interesov - vo mne est'
esche i potencial (raskrytyj i neraskrytyj) i kolossal'nye zapasy
energii, i lubov', i chuvstvo krasoty...
Stol'ko vsego, chto k obschemu nelz'a ne ispytyvat' uvazhenija!
Polnyj ja - krutoj!
*POLNYJ JA ? TIPA 'TOLSTYJ JA'. NO MY ZHE ZNAEM, CHTO ETO NE TAK*

Friday 10/09/98
Conflicting desires:
1) Finish it fast.
2) Do it vdumchivo and learn more about it.
Note that 1) also includes external pressure and 'there are others
things to do'. Thus, if we remember 'do it for yourself' and 'do one thing
at a time', 2) is the clear winner.
*
Hey, the 'state of improving' could be one of the reasons
why hacking is such a rewarding task.

Saturday 10/10/98
Possible seld-defeating reason to cling to uncertainty - when I finally do
make a decision, it's sudden and unexpected - thus, leads to
excitement/challenges.
*
Totally associating myself with a task makes me feel empty when task
is suddenly done.
*
Another use for "cheredovanie taskov" - doshel do emaila, na
kotorom zastr'al - smenil zan'atie, a tam, mozhet i polegchaet, kogda
vernus'.

Wednesday 10/14/98
Garmonija v rabote - sdelal chto-to dl'a juzera, potom voznagradi
seb'a, pobaldev.
*
Overload - lots of things to do, many interesting - how to stay
on one ?
Well, let's pick one and affirm that nothing else is important at the
moment.
*
One thing to do while waiting - watch sunset (assuming there's
one in progress :)
*
AR: "Must have specific financial goal".
(primer s pohudevshimi - im pomogaet znat' ves, na kotorom
oni hot'at' derzhats'a).
Ja: "Million".
*
"If you're running east, looking for the sunset, then you've
got a problem - no matter how enthusiastic you are".
"If passion was enough, then every kid would have a pony".
*
Here's the reason I can stay calm while composing answers
to potential advertisers - they are playing my game, I'm the host,
so I set pace and rules. I inititated this and nobody can rush me.
*
Hey, there's a funny thought - I'm not really losing touch with C -
because I do JavaScript!
*
Interesno - mne nado bylo prospellit' 'K', ja vspomnil 'king'
i ne mog pripomnit' drugogo slova, nachinaujuschegos'a na 'K'.
Potom posmotrel v slovar' - ih ujma, prostyh tozhe: kill, key,
keg, keep...

Thursday 10/15/98
Delaju banner CGI, fear - "esli eto ne vyjdet, to uzhe polnyj konec".
Otvet:
1) Poka ne budet gotovo, ja nikomu i ne pokazhu.
2) Skoree vsego vyjdet.
3) Dazhe esli zavalim, vse ravno vozmozhnostej dohrena - fokus
napravlen i novye idei prihod'at odna za drugoj - think about it,
valueclick idea is less then a week old and moped.org adv is
brand new!
*LATER - VYSHLO, DA ESCHE KAK!*

Friday 10/16/98
Note how attitude changes - wanted to add list 'dealers' in
index.htm, but thought "why should I, they didn't pay me yet!"
*
Otvetil na vse emaily, provel grandioznyj catchup!
Entropija: nu vot, a novyh soobschenij malo, nikto ne pishet!
A: Get your act together! I just swam from the bottom of the
ocean and you complain that there's not enough water around!

Maybe it's like this - I just spend huge amount of energy
answering everybody (though it was fun once I got into rhytm),
I want immediate feedback - and that doesn't happen.
*
Cleanup is good for remembering things to do - because
it's sort of like walking down memory lane.
*
Impatience with others could be caused by them failing to fit
in my timing scheme - though I never made them aware that I have timing :)

Monday 10/19/98
What to do while on hold ? Switch to another task ?
Or nothing ?
Perhaps, listen to the body signals - when picking the wrong step,
stomach hurts and stuff.
Probably, do something where patience is not critical - because
steam does build up on hold, esp after erroneous transfers.
Wanna come up with a good way to check whether person I talk to
knows anything or not - this way I can save my breath for the real
tec once I get to him.
Heh, say some gooblegook, sales drone will transfer me, while
tec would say: "That's junk" :)

Useful thing - be aware of anything that could be meditative
(say "sending message" dialog v Internet Mail).
*O, napisal i pochuvstvoval neuverennost' - deskat' mastera
etogo dela prochtut i skazhut - "da eto chto za meditacija ?".
Hot'a skoree vsego eto skazhut te, kto voobsche ne znaet, o chem'
rech' :)*
*
'"Son, if you want to read about other people's failures and tragedies, read
the News section. If you want to read about other people's accomplishments
and triumphs, read the Sports section" :)
Some father's advice to his son'

Tuesday 10/20/98
Criteria - thinking about future/past is ok when it's pleasant.
If not, try to shift the focus to present (and USUALLY NOTHING
BAD IS HAPPENING IN PRESENT:)

Wednesday 10/21/98
The only times problem becomes unbearable is when I am not there
to improve things. Choices:
1) Keep worrying.
2) Go there and improve.
3) Skip it for now - concentrate on other things or
become aware of what's around you.
*
Howe about this - "As far as thoughts go, what's pleasant,
IS useful".
Easy example: pleasant thought -> good mood -> creative state ->
results.
*
Confusion when other person expects (wants) me to develop
in different direction.
*
Sposob - kogda chto-to v povedenii drugogo vyzyvaet u men'a
rezko negativnuju reakciju, nado posmotret', chto est' pohozhego
vo mne - s chem eto rezoniruet.

Kstati, u etogo metoda est' otlichnoe prodolzhenie -
esli mne ne terpits'a ukazat' drugomu na to, chto ja videl,
govori o tom, chto otrazilos' vo mne! I ne pytajs'a sdelat' za
nih vyvodov - esli u nih est' ta zhe problema, oni uvid'at shodstvo
s poluslova.
*
Na temu "prishli v derevn'u, a moloka nikto ne dal" -
Jasha priezzhaet, ja skazal, chto u nas doma mozhno
rubat' v Quake2, on skazal, chto privedet Maravana, a
ja nachal volnovats'a - ne pripekut li za to, chto zan'ali vse kompy.
*
Possible seld-destructive reason for overload - fill myself with
tasks so much that they cover the horizon and finally vytesn'ajut
unpleasant thoughts (like those of personal quarrels).

Thursday 10/22/98
Note moment - neudacha, pytajus' snova, no go, again - nope.
Finally I tmp resign and as I settle down, I see other things
that are undone - and then 'loser' stereotype appears.
Sol ? For one thing, can change the worry zone - that is,
when I am outside, I can't see these things that remind me
of loss - so, I can calm down and eventually new ideas
will come.

Monday 10/26/98
Metaphor in "Urban Assault" - once exhausted and weak, return to
the HomeBase to get energy recharge.
*
How do you write a complete answer to an agressive letter ?
Perhaps, see what the aggresiveness consists of

"it has been down all week" - that's blowing things out of propotion.
Diff to answer, since obvious choices are either accept the lie or
argue.
How about this - find something to agree about, then correct
the false data.

'It has been down all week.'
'I don't think it was that long, but you are right - it has experienced lot
of downtime.'
Heh.

Good stuff, man!

Like with the guy Dean cut off:
"You must be angry"
"Damn right I am angry! You cut me off!"
"I understand. I would be angry if this happened to me too".
*
When feeling uncertain and weak, just start the project -
motion makes the diff.
*
Observing - beginning of annoyance - I failed at reaching tec support +
there are external distractions + ICQ  message arrived.
Let's take a walk instead of rushing.
*
Confirmed again - magnifying negative emotion till it becomes
grotesque is a great way to feel better.
Another proof of 'evil, taken to extreme becomes funny'.
*
Find a way to enjoy restful moment after the rush -
without learning that, anxiety can continue even though external
reason is gone.

Thursday 10/29/98
Slushal "Ischite Zhenschinu" v mashine. Serija konchilas', a v dopiske
okazalis' "D'una", a potom "2-Unlimited". Protaschils'a neimoverno i
pon'al odnu shtuku - dikij kajf byvaet v elemente neozhidannosti.
I imenno neozhidannost' est' ta shtuka, kotoroj trudno dostich'
odnomu.

Pishu programmu na etu temu - NEO. Pri zapuske ona mne dast
sluchajnuju pl'uhu iz rabochij zadanij (WARN.HCK) ili veselyh
(OHOTA)/.
*
Balancing: frequent reality checks can be like
"vykapyvanie kostochki kazhdyj den'" - like checking
Valueclick stats over and over.
Yet too rare checks can result in dovlenie and affect
my ability to correct the course.
Hence, look for the golden middle.

Friday 10/30/98
Try this - after energy drop, take some of what other's are giving
me (like URLs).

Or perhaps meditation is still the best thing to do ?
*went around the lake and calmed down*
*
"Ain't it awful conversation" feels good while it's going -
unity and easy to carry on. However, it leaves me sort of
anxious once over.
*
"Konechnaja cel' - nichto, dvizhenie - vse" - snova
ubezhdajus' v pravil'nosti etogo velikogo lozunga.
Naprimer, delaju vzroslyj sajt. Konechnaja cel' - podnazhits'a.
Mozhet vyjdet, a mozhet net. Dvizhenie - sortirovka i razbor
moih fajlov, a takzhe vnedrenie ih v onlajn - ot etogo pol'za
ogromnaja!
*
Distribution of good.
I give to myself first.
Those who are fun to be with get the 2nd most.
Those who force me may get something fast, but will seldom
receive voluntary help.
Those who don't ask for anything get stuff when I see something
they might like.
*
BTW, here's the minus of controlling others - by suppressing their
initiative (like I did in romance sometimes?) I drastically
reduce chance of receving a pleasant surprise.

Of course, this also goes for those who try to control me.
*
Pleasant circle - I do something, feel calm, contemplative
ideas come and state strenghens.
*
Usefulness of thinking about past - it may fill up the
'white spots' on the memory map.
*
Sometimes object is invisible because it's out of line of sight -
covered by something else or at the wrong angle.
I bet it can be the same way mentally.

Tuesday 11/03/98
Usefulness of tasks/load - they will keep me busy while energy
released earlier has time to bring fruit.
*
Task jumping - doing somethjing hard, switch to another one, get stuck
there too (or, for example, see that I got no email), feel worse.
Sol ?
*
BTW, it's like sneezing - once I distracted once, it's easier to do
so again.
*
Prishel otvet na moj "forms tutorial" - hot'a ja znaju, chto
umeju eto delat' i govor'u iz opyta, feel fear chto sejchas budet sky.
*
Gonit CONVERT, smotr'u na meditativnyj ekran i ispytyvaju
protivorechivye chuvstva:
1) Podol'she by shlo - zhalko, chto skoro konchits'a.
2) Nu skoro tam ?
Mozhet byt' strah togo chto skoro pridet konec i est'
ta neprijatnaja emocija, kotoraja pobuzhdaet men'a skorej
razdelats'a. OGO!!!

Wednesday 11/04/98
Kedit - SCALE stands still among the chaotically rushing
REFRESHed lines. Perhaps SCALE is calm because it knows it's
in the right place and doing its thing ?
Like a bridge over troubled water! :)
*
"In the Balance" - L'udmila govorit, chto edinstvennyj sposob
vyzhit' was "stay in NOW".
Familiar, eh ? Great advice!
*
Fight overload like tailgaters - slow down instead of speeding up.
Rationalization - this shows overloaders ineffeciency of their
approach.
*
Sravnenija:
Ja - duhovoj instrument, energija - vozduh.
Ja - kom'juter, energija - tok
*
Sign in church: "Resign as the GM of the Universe".
*
Entropy's "You could be doing something else" is meaningless -
the only place where I COULDN'T do something else would be prison
- the only thing to do would be count steps from door to window
and back.
*
Hey, I feel that am beginning to brag about the number of sites
I have :)

Thursday 11/05/98
Vizualizacija - rabota - eto provajder. Oni dajut mne
oborudovanie & finansy.
*
Moment of tranquility is interrupted when I think: "Yes, but there's
still THAT thing I need to do - and soon!".
*
Strah chto s folding bike budut nasmeshki - uzhe kakjie-to mixed messages
ot aborigenov:
"It's cute... in a weird sort of way".
"It's... different"

Heh, mozhno nachat' dvizhenie za 'folding bikes' :):)
A chto ? S mopedami eto srabotalo - edinomyshlennikov kucha - a
dumal, chto ja odin :)
Vo, i domain svoboden:
foldingbikes.com is available
foldinbgbike.com - bought by speculators.

Kstati, dl'a nachala mozhno prosto info sobrat', a la bike.htm
*
"We specialize in the development and marketing of valuable Internet domain
names. We are specialists in the domain industry.'"
What a bunch of *** !
*
K slovu o "ja neobschitel'nyj" - ja ved' vedu obshirnejshuju email
perepisku - it's almost full time job!
(heh, you said "pisku")
Besides, the contingent of my email correspondents - new people daily,
so it aldo breaks the stereotype "I only communicate with same
circle, no new acquantances!".
*
Obvinenija v bezdelji prosto smeshny - ved' ja vse vrem'a chem-to
zan'at. Drugoe delo, chto nekotorye schitajut, chto mne nado
zanimats'a chem-to inym, no otkuda im znat', k chemu u men'a
dusha lezhit ?

Monday 11/09/98
1) Try this against overload - once task done, go back in stack,
see if anything is still queued - rather than going to next on list.
This way undone things won't keep hanging.
*
Pakoval CPHONE (vernee, COMPUNET) dl'a vozvrata, poshel za disketoj -
a v dver'ah kladovki torchit tet'a - ne prolezt'. Togda ja vspomnil, chto
esche nado upakovat' manual - a on pod rukoj. Sdelal, a k tomu vremeni
i proezd ochistils'a.
*
What is the meaning/purpose of 'reflection' ?
I guess it's sort of going thru recent memories - whatever images
come.
*
It's not important what I've accomplished or what my life situation
is. It's important how I feel.
I at the moment I feel, God Bless - this IS the way to be!
*
Confirmed, chto zavoevannye territorii - ku. Ja otkryval korobku
s novoj mobo - i zameditiroval v processe! Korobka otkryta, a sostojanie
ostalos'!
Make more anchors/territories like this!
*
Strah pytaets'a zadushit' potencial: naprimer ja podumal: "Neploho
by vo vrem'a obeda na velike prokatit's'a." Strah: "A kak posmotr'at ?"
Ja: "As Agner said, 'I ride it for myselt, not for anyone else".
*
Teorija: "Go with people and see what they want" is harder
in practice - naprimer sobralis' Jashiny druzj'a, ja ratuju
za DUKE 3D, a drugoj - za bil'jard.
Sovsem ne hochets'a ehat' v Grind i igrat' v bil'ard :)
*
Moments of tranqulity - inogda pojavl'aets'a oschuschenie chto
"ne tak uzh ploho vse".
*
Here's possible balance between checking too often and
never checking - thecounter.com emails weekly stats - look
at those :)

Tuesday 11/10/98
How to distinguish between "productive thinking about issues" from
"unnecessary worrying" ? Easily - first induces creative state, while
second - fear & guilt.
If 2nd is detected, problem may be worth thinking about - but not
until I feel creative again - or when I am able to do something about it.
*
Possible visualization for "being present & aware" - view road to work
as a little lifetime. Both home behind and work ahead are other lifetimes -
do not exist.
*
Patience comes from realization that current state is good.
*
Polez v slovar' poiskat' pohvaly, chitaju po diagonali i zamechaju,
chto fokus vyhvatyvaet negativnye slova iz teksta!
*
Posible balance between 'checking results too often' or 'never' -
setup so stats come by email - and only look at that email when
I actually made imporvements, which might hve affected counts.
*
Possible minus of creative working - no repetitive-> meditative tasks.
(Of course when work is uncreative, repetitive tasks is all there is).
*
Heh, hochets'a posmotret', kak rabotajut referrals na dance.htm/edance.htm
- a nel'z'a, have to wait for Amazon to sent weekly report :)
*
Primer "ty zapjesh', ostal'nye podhvat'at'" - ja zapustil DOOM
u Sashi, a teper' oni ves' kooperativ proshli!

Wednesday 11/11/98
When coming in and several problems are reported at once,
try just listening/reflecting - if I start doing one, mentioning
of others can result in overload.
Tut aktivnaja dejatel'nost' ne nuzhna - kak na popul'arnom websajte,
materialy sami prihod'at!
*
There are some things that are automatically good (warm weather,
folding bike, etc) - these I just
need to focus on.
Then there are those that have positive sides - SMC, LE, AC, etc -
to feel good about those I want to remember what the pluses are.
*
Viz - energy recharge ot magnita (otvertki, naprimer).
*
Viz spokojstvija - most, pod kotorym burno bezhit reka.
Most delaet svoe delo, emu ne nado sryvats'a s mesta i
tech'. Esli on eto sdelaet, on staent bespoleznym.
*
Hochets'a posmotret' rezul'taty v AC - postavil HTML form
na ekran, i nabl'udaju za zhelaniem :)
Perhaps my distractability can help - if I just hold off a bit,
something else will grab my attention :)

As I switch, other things come to mind - forgotten, but interesting -
naprimer, na CD-RW, kotoryj ja prines, okazalis' CD-IGRY!

Po-prezhnemu nabl'udaju za zhelaniem - prisutstvuet nadezhda,
chto est' referrals i strah, chto ni hrena net.

Saturday 11/14/98
When down, large todo list seems like a chore rather than joy.
Sol: just change the state any way you can - don't fret over
the size of the list - once I feel better, it will not seem
threatening at all - it will look exciting!


Tuesday 11/17/98
"Groundhog Day" - on snachala zaigryval s Ritoj tipa kak ja
'non-comittally':
"You're incredible!"
"Who told you ?"
*
When doing something and high prior distraction comes,
try reacting like Task Manager - totally suspend the current
task in the bg.
*
Parallel' - govor'at, chto evropejskie gruppy podstrauvajuts'a
pod amerikanskij rynok. Analogija s podrostkami - adapt to other
in hopes of being popular.
Forgetting that real popularity can only come from your
own originality!
*
How can I not like electronic music when all MIDI and MODs are
made with it ?!

Remember "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" ?
If Beethoven lived today, he'd use electronic tools
and be even more productive!
*
How is this for single-tasking: "I am doing this thing/solving this
problem and I don't have another care in the world!"
(BTW, this may justify blocking sounds from outer world, since
they ARE 'other care').
*
View new request/distraction like new day/new lifetime/novaja serija.
Monday 11/23/98
It's not "if I want something done, I have to do it myself",
it's "if I want it done the way I LIKE...".

Tuesday 11/24/98
Sometimes when other people come in, they interrupt the flow - so
when I return, I don't automatically know what's next.
*
One more sol for compromise between 'check too often' and
'never' - give it reasonable time, then check.
For example, I submitted some sites to Yahoo yest.
Want to check them today (since just got neg result from
1st amazon week, so am looking for reassurance) - it's
almost guaranteed that they are not there.
*
Kogda otvlekajut, might as well go with them -
vse ravno svoim spokojno zan'ats'a ne dajut, a
tak mozhno otvlechs'a' i, inogda, poflirtovat'.
*
Plus v rejekcii - I am automatically inclined to find
something diff to do => variety.
*
Primer "a hleba nikto ne dal" - ja tal volnovals'a, chto
pripekut za RA v eurodisco.net, a segodn'a prishel raport is
amazon - ni hrena.
Idea for thecounter - set on all pages you want to track -
when it arrives and result is not satisfactory, do one thing
to improve page/increase visibility.
And if I find out that page has high hit count, it's a good place
to add cross-references to my other pages!
*
V prodazha bol'she shansov na reekciju chem v giving - potomu chto
ja ozhidaju otvetnogo dejstvija.
*
Kogda ja chem-to zan'at, dostaet ne samo delo, a volnenija -
naprimer - "ja zan'at, a sejchas mogut nachat' pristavat'".
Also, thinking about future steps while doing current one
really brings me down - as if I have to do them too, while
I am still occupied with current one! Talk about impeding the state :)
Affirm: "I have this little step and no other care in the world".
Then, no matter how hard this step is, things are pretty good
overall :)
Besides, it's true - remember, nothing bad is happening in the present.

Wednesday 11/25/98
Polozhitel'noe primenenie dl'a sobstvennogo konfuza - navernoe, iz
nih mozhno delat' zabavnye istorii.
*
K slovu o cel'ah - teper' kogda na moih stranicah pojavilis' kommercheskie
linki, vazhnost' uploada povysilas' - i ja delaju ego bolee ohotno =>
stranice luchshe!
*
Want to be the best AND be recognized as the best.
Sols:
1) Do best and promote.
2) Do best and never mind recognition.
*
Eksperimental'nyj sposob borby s volneniem - predstav', chto
kto-to drugoj mne ih izlagaet - ja vezhlivo slushaju, no
voobsche-to mne ot vinta.
*
Perhaps by being slow & gentle with things, I enter the
tender mode - which is healing for the soul.
*
When I don't like what I'm doing, consider this - if I think of
better thing to do, I can always switch. And if not - surely
the current task is better than NOTHING.
*
Associate linking is sort of bragging - not just search - but
search that came thru me!
Well, why not ?
Commercial reward is more substantial compliment than mere hit counts :)

Saturday 11/28/98
Realization - as long as I keep on going, i can't lose!
(Pochuvstvoval, kogda zakinul esche dve denezhnyh porimanki -
3dgames page and 3dgames CDR with great looking cover!)
*
Note perelom - read email, don't want to answer it, feel guilty -
and next thing I want is to check page stats - for boosting!
Sol - do something else productive, I guess.
Trying - vspominaju veschi, kotorye ja zanes v spisok vchera -
i guess what - neohota.
*o, nashel spisok, maybe will find something that sparks*

Tuesday 12/01/98
"To be wronged or robbed is nothing unless you continue to remember it".
(Confucius)

Wednesday 12/02/98
Insajt - pochemu s kompom legche, chem, s l'ud'mi ?
Pochemu men'a ne volnuet, chto ona obo mne dumaet ?
Perhaps computer thinks of me well when she works well.
This could explain why I feel bad when she's misbehaving -
it's like I am being thought of badly!
*
Affirmation: "I always work for wonderful people whom I respect
and who respect me".
*
Try this - when I want to take (for example, now I want to
see if I got email 're: my articles in dawsons-creek'), give first
and then see what happens.

Thursday 12/03/98
If nature was there only to serve a function, it wouldn't have
to be so beautiful.
And if we had no spiritual side, we wouldn't be able to see
its beauty.

Friday 12/04/98
Vashi komp'juternye problemy dl'a nas - ne problemy.
*
What is the correlation between being self and being open to the world ?
Well, if "I am open" is one of traits, there's no conflict :)
*
Learn to deal with situation:
"What I did is obviously good, yet I was rejected" -
like with Yahoo submission.
*
Chinovnichek u Chehova - plachevnyj primer ispravlenija proshlogo.

Monday 12/07/98
Expansion of idea "nothing bad happens" - most of the time,
nothing happens.
In those periods of 'no happening', it's totally up to me
to feel good - what I think, how I remember the past, what do
I expect for the future, etc.
*
The rule "look at results" and do one notch better if not satisfied -
it's win-win.
*
Parallel' - dostaju batarejku iz upakovki - medlenno i
radujus', kogda bol'shaja chast' stanovits'a vidna - kak razdevanie :):)

Tuesday 12/08/98
Sheckley has got to be more popular - saying "humor and science
fiction don't mix" is nonsense - just look at popularity of
Douglas Adams! (Who, btw, is great, but not AS GOOD).
*
Well, the energy starts returning once again - got a URL submission
for eurodisco.net (Fancy page).
*
Confirmed - when something is left undone, it may nag till I go back
and take care of it.

Thursday 12/10/98
See if I can apply "little improvements" method in other areas -
say, something worries me - think how I can improve it just a tiny
bit.
*
Primer negativnosti: vizhu, chto "DC linkexchange" brought me
many hits - then think that somebody's faking the poll results -
i nachinaju volnovats'a.
Possible explanation - the good info is just that, while bad info
seems to dwell, until resolved.

Saturday 12/12/98
Speaking of criticism, napadki kritikov na dance v amazon.con
could be the strongest neg stuff I am hitting.
*
Interesno, chto delajut l'udi, kto zabrosil web-stranicu na
celyj god ? Chto, u nih etot interes sovsem propal ?
Ili k webu ohladeli ?
*
"You can take it from me, there's more going down
than you and I can ever see."

"Get the heck out of your way."

"Things you call dead haven't yet had the chance to be born."
ETO PO POVODU TOGO, CHTO ESLI CHEGO-TO NET, IT'S UP TO ME
TO MAKE IT!

""I'm trying to tell the kids today that Creation gave us all problems for a
purpose and that your biggest problems contain a source of strength to not
only step over those problems but all our other problems as well."

Tuesday 12/15/98
Zagnivanie imeet mesto mesto tol'ko togda, kogda nichego ne proishodit.
Kogda vspyhivaet trabl, proishodit mobilizacija resursov. Bolee togo,
pojavl'aets'a ustanovka "Nuzhno uspokoits'a, or else..." - i poluchaets'a!
*
About my "striving for excellence" - mozhet mne (chur men'a!)
sdelats'a kritikom ?
*
Frustration when no attention is paid to me - when situation improvement
depends on somebody and they don't want to take participate.
(If they said "I'll do it", peace of mind would result - and later
I could even forget about it:)
*
Prover'aem 'amazon stats' - ot iznachal'nogo
"uh, navernoe kucha zakazov" k "navernoe net, no vse-taki" k
"blin, op'at' naverno nichego net!"
(proveril - taki est')
*
Don't feel down if you clearly see imperfection in what you did today -
it will be easier to come up with an improvement tomorrow!
*
When vnizu, thought of giving is repelled by "A, neohota eto delat'".

Perhaps eliminating little annoyances could be a step on the way up ?
*
Energy - you can either recharge your battery from others or
plug yourself into an outlet and give light to everybody!
*
When "there's nothing to do", there's often one area which I CAN
do, but I am feeling resistance toward - for example now - all email
has been answered - there's big Kontakt folder - but I am reluctant to
go there.



Monday 12/21/98
Pola kashl'aet s utra - napominaet mne slova iz pesenki:
"Tol'ko kashlem sil'nyj strah navodil".

Wednesday 12/23/98
Nado by vyrobatat' taktiku nachala otkrovennyh razgovorov.
Mnogim est' o chem rasskazat', no soderzhanie - vzryvoopasno,
poetomu ne vs'akomu mozhno. Cel' - pokazat', chto mne - mozhno
(tem bolee, chto eto dejstvitel'no tak - ja ne suzhu i ne razbaltyvaju).
*
Procrastination at work - I am asked to do something.
I don't refuse - request is valid and not too hard and even
useful. Yet I don't feel like doing it at the moment, so I don't.
Then I may or may not get to it later.
Interestingly, tasks you put off affect each other:
"If I get to this, what about that other thing that needs to be done ?"
Sol - if you have any preference, do that one first - doesn't matter
that something else is on the list. Otherwise, pick random one.

Or do something else till mood changes and I won't mind taking up
on one of these.

Monday 12/28/98
Po povodu "energii hvataet na volnenie, no ne na dejstvie":
'Make me obsessed with being number one, but too damned lazy to get anything
done'.
*
Entropy (structure) pretends that it's trying to preserve existing building.
In fact, it prevents addition of new stories, so it can quietly
proceed with the demolition.