Web daugava.com
Stories, part 3

The Canonical List of Telephone Answering Machine Messages (many authors)

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell
hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used
by us.

"You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."


Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window
breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder
why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2
semester
mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out
for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep,
gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT
MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK
TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."
Noisy pick-up of phone
Uh... Hello?
Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering
machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the
'frige
where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people.

"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is
the Eighties. You know what to do."
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.

[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the
background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your
name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." (woman taped off a "phone sex" service)

WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really
lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)

My favorite post quake message:
"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
leave a message and I'll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying
to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a
little...