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Stories, part 2

New Standard Terminology

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've
been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth
time this week."

Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as
the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted
30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message
"404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried
to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404,
man."

Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers
looking for the mention of your name.

Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rack
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor
borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing
his cool demo at Siggraph."

Beepilepsy
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go
off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in
mid-sentence.

Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed in the end.

(Submitted by Elena Shur)

Only in California

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday
Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?

A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Railroad

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US
railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first
rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the
old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel
ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the
original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war
chariot.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the
Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to
accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

Manual

READ THIS FIRST

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely find device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
will undoubtly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the
consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for siz days. So, in
writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull
is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's
talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it
from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears
into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES
OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND
SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really
wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and
her fiancee, Stuart, it now seriously considering backing out on the
whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam
in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not
without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our
drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY
OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without
a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged
Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device
is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT,
AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN
BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the
(something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly
(something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against
all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer
will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People,
who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse
it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer
case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

Bandits

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed
in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the
mechanic for an oil change. According to the police, Brasher later said
that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood
to change the oil.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walk away.

The Belgium news agency, Belga, reported in November that a man
suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have
done it, "because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time." Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Viruses (or virii)

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice, if
by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Work or Prison?

In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8-by-10 cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6-by-6 cube.

In prison, they get three free meals a day.
At work, I only get a break for one meal, which I have to pay for.

In prison, they get rewarded with time off for good behavior.
At work, I get rewarded with more work for good behavior.

At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison, they are provided with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn
on.

In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for them.
At work, I must carry around a security card and lock and unlock all the
doors myself.

In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
At work, I get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they will be encouraged to learn a new career.
At work, I must do any learning on my own time.

In prison, they have an exercise room that they can use almost anytime.
At work, I can only use the exercise room on my own time.

In prison, they can fall asleep anytime and nothing happens.
At work, if I fall asleep anytime I get fired.

In prison, they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
At work, I get to pay all the expenses to go to work so I can pay taxes
to pay for the prisoners.

Penguins (from Audobon Society Magazine)

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions

  • Tortoise Trophy

    To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in
    the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include
    trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

  • Rubber Cushion

    To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
    and glued his buttocks together.

  • Crimewatch Cup

    • Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
      stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large
      capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My
      client is not a very bright young man."

    • Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb
      threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that
      he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

    • Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van
      with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

  • Silver Bullet

    To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
    overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Signs of the world

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
except Thursday.

Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

You now you're a biker when...

From "Humor in the Court" by Mary Louise Gilman


Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you
have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

HOW TO FIND A DRIVER'S ORIGIN

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
    accelerator: Boston

  • One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on
    accelerator: California*

  • * with gun also in lap: L.A.

  • Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians
    cross against the light: San Francisco

  • One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the
    dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right
    foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon
    Valley, listening to KEZR

  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
    terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston.

  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
    to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

  • Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in
    lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle

  • Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
    checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
    their own or another's car: Colorado

  • One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
    waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful
    eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and
    pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to
    litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates.

Church bulletin announcements

  • Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community

  • Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an icecream social. All ladies
    giving milk will please come early.

  • Wednesday the ladies' liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing
    "put me in my little bed " accompanied by the pastor.

  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
    and lay an egg on the altar.

  • Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
    of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
    will come forward and do so.

  • The ladies of the church will cast off clothing of every kind .
    They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

  • Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course,8p.m.
    Please park in the rear parking lots for this activity.

  • The Rev. Adams spoke briefly , much to the delight of his
    audience.

  • The church is glad to have with us today as our quest minister the
    Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him . After the service we
    request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the
    Greens.

  • The 'eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in
    the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited
    to attend this tragedy.

Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so excited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

The Politically Correct UNIX

System VI Release notes

UTILITIES:

man pages are now called person pages.

Similarly, hangman is now person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime.

To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the cat command is
now merely
domestic_quadruped.

To date, there has only been a UNIX command for yes - reflecting the
male belief that
women always mean yes,
even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a no
command, along
with a -f[orce]
option which will crash the entire system if the no is ignored.

The bias of the mail command is obvious, and it has been replaced by
the more neutral
gender command.

The touch command has been removed from the standard distribution due
to its
inappropriate use by high-level
managers.

SHELL COMMANDS:

To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the kill command has been
renamed euthanise.

The nice command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over
unprivileged ones,
by telling them to be nice. In System VI, the sue command is used by
unprivileged users to
get for themselves
the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.

history has been completely rewritten, and is now called herstory.

quota can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.

The abort() function is now called choice().

TERMINOLOGY:

From now on, rich text will be more accurately referred to as
exploitive capitalist text.

The term daemons is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will
now be known as
spiritual guides.

There will no longer be a invidious distinction between dumb and smart
terminals. All
terminals are equally
valuable.

For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of root and
his wheel oligarchy.
We have instituted a
dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be
handled by the People's
Committee for
Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS). No longer will it be
permissible for files
and processes to be
owned by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and
decide how (or whether) to
respond to requests
from users.

The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System.

And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed PC - for Procreatively
Challenged.

The following item was extracted from the travel section of a UK daily
newspaper

Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and
experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly
exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely
dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an
ancient
text. These rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in
English.

ARTICLE I The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In
descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official
cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars,
motorcycles,
scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-
carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim:
to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet): Cars
(IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing dogs,
rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote
supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you
slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by
flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen
someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the
road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown
my horn for several minutes." Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals
have
the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and
have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized
by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to the
provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above

ARTICLE V All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left
until the
last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall
wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority.
So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline
(VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of
travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

ARTICLE VIII Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands
in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to
overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just
overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions,
such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and
in the
middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed
between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of
bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has
reverse gear.

If Operating Systems Drove Your Car

MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put the keys.

WINDOWS: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

MAC SYSTEM 7: You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives you
to church.

UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching 2000 mph en
route, you arrive at the barber's shop.

WINDOWS NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says 'go to the
store'. Then you get out of the car and nail the letter to the dashboard.

TALIGENT/PINK: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban who tells you
how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2: After fuelling up with 6000 gallons of gas you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway
there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

A Computer Science major comes into a Subway outlet and orders a sub.
The sandwich-maker asks him what to put on it. The answer was:
"What is the default option?".

Job codes

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous
Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what
you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code
list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision
what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using
this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties
you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code
Number Explanation
---------- -----------
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While
Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not
Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying
Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding,
etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in
Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code
#6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10
minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on
Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail


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