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You Know When You Have Had To Much Coffee when...

  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you
    don't even work there.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.

Essay Bloopers

The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere,
so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

One of Jacob's sons, Joseph,
gave refuse to the Israelites.

Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. After
his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged.

When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted "hurrah."

Shakespeare
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.

Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.

Franklin died in 1790 and is
still dead.

The winter of 1620 was a
hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were
born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
He said,
"In onion there is strength."

Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

(Excerpt from Richard Lederer's Anguished English (Wyrick, Dell). Mr.
Lederer teaches English at St. Paul's School.)


Damn Wildlife

* Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code had caused tactical headaches
for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume
larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to
great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including
detailed landscapes and in the case of the Northern Territory's
Operation Phoenix-herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might
well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land
Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to
model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters.
Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code
originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same
stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and
increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American
pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low
flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and
the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take
as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage
of Stinger missiles at the helpless helicopter. (Apparently the
programmers had forgotten to remove THAT part of the infantry coding.)

The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing
object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for
Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have
strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

Submitted by Eduard Yarve

Originally From June 15, 1999 _Defense Science and Technology Organization
Lecture series_, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports .
Item taken from _Software Testing and Quality Engineering_ magazine,
Volume 1, Issue 6 (November/December 1999)


AT&T

(© by Robert Byron)

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does you, is to sit
down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a
telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating
as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to
my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello ?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this
lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was
offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word
rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old
calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir
that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at
the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual
check,can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and
$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute.
Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the
Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?!"

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while
I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at
the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up
for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother...

AT & T: (click).

T-Shirts

  1. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
  2. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
  3. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
    If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
  4. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up
    Your Governor
  5. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
  6. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
  7. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
  8. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

Church Bulletins

The following are taken from actual church bulletins across the
country........

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening Massage - 6 PM

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verses of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
congregation.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be
discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel
in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin
sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday there will be an ice cream social at 4 PM for the children. All
ladies giving milk please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put
Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private
study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.

At the early evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

8 new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.


Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in
there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I
mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this
away for me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how
they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it
and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I
DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for
what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone
sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'
Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


"Don't You Hate it When..."

There's always a car riding your tail when you're
slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you
don't realize it till you walk across your living room
rug.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at
EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way
it came.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're
trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing
near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every
time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't
pop out of the tray.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you
let a pedestrian finish crossing.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm
instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that
song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the
bathroom doorknob to get out.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word
in the dictionary because you don't know how to
spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in
the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago,
and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off
the floor and smash your head on the way up.


HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE.....

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars
to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is of the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you are doing. For
example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the
break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back,
rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

Reply to everything someone say with "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Don't use any punctuation.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because
you're not in the mood.


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods:

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On some Swansonn frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom
of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Really???)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(I'm glad they cleared that up...)

On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Submitted by Vitalij Grinberg


Error Messages

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on
its hot new notebook PC called the Vaio.

Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of
Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS Operating systems, Sony's
president Nobuyuki Idei said, "We intend to capture the High ground
by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an
operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony.

For example, We have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Our own Japanese haiku poetry."

The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek

Can not be located but

Countless more exist

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask way too much.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked

Today it is not working

Windows is like that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First snow, then silence.

This thousand-dollar screen dies

so beautifully.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You bring fresh toner.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course

Of little worth is your ire

The network is down

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


Actual Signs

IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)


Dumb People - The Saga Continues

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by
the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded
the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to
hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call
the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.


The Top 11 Signs Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts

11> Conducts the first week's lessons in two chairs using imaginary
driving motions and engine sounds.

10> Keeps stopping in the middle of your lesson to deliver pizzas.

9> Fails you unless you can get the airbag to pop.

8> Instead of emergency brakes on his side of the car, he has a
passenger-side accelerator and a mini bar stocked with Wild Turkey and Ho
Ho's.

7> Has "P - R - D - 2 - 1" painted on his fly and keeps yelling, "Shift!"

6> Has a working saw blade on the hood and mutters about "fixing
Speed Racer for good".

5> Immediately fails you because his Carmen Miranda-style hat
doesn't fit in your Escort.

4> Day One: "Chinese Fire Drills", "Basic Mooning Techniques"
and "Reloading a 9mm at 90 mph."

3> Always divides class into "shirts" and "skins."

2> When he yells "England," you're supposed to start driving on
the other side of the road.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts...

1> Insists you turn off the headlights and "use the Force."


$0.00

In March a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts
received
a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed
$0.00. He
ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and
threw
that one away too. The following month the credit card company
sent him
a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he
didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked
to
them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take
care of
it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he
tried out
the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases
on his
account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in
the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for
his
purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called
the
credit card company who apologized for the computer error once
again and
said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company
only
the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it,
trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort
the
problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days
to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover
the
debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at
their
own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly
processed
his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now
owed the
credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing
writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank
replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing
software
to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of
their
customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the
computer
to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed
them
$0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be
taking
steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for
her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.


Deep Thoughts by Dennis Miller

  1. Don't sweat the petty things & don't pet the sweaty things.
  2. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live
  3. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the self-help
    section
    was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
  4. hould creamatoriums give discounts to burn victims?
  5. If someome with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it
    considered
    a hostage situation?
  6. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
    endangered
    plant?
  7. Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
    will
    break in and clean them?
  8. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
  9. If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
  10. Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
  11. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

    Men and Women

    HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

    compliment her,
    cuddle her,
    kiss her,
    caress her,
    love her,
    stroke her,
    tease her,
    comfort her,
    protect her,
    hug her,
    hold her,
    spend money on her,
    wine & dine her,
    buy things for her,
    listen to her,
    care for her,
    stand by her,
    support her,
    go to the ends of the earth for her....

    HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

    Show up naked.
    Bring beer


    If you think YOU'RE having a bad day...

    Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of
    forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
    male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers
    and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died
    not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records
    provided a positive identification.

    Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended
    up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of
    the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast--some 20
    kilometers away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control
    the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with
    very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid
    filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

    You guessed it!!! One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
    Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in
    the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.

    Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!!!!


    Introduction to Chinese :

    Ai Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee table
    Ar U Wun Tu-----------------A gay liberation greeting
    Chin Tu Fat-----------------You need a face lift
    Dum Gai---------------------A stupid person
    Gun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese invention
    Hu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
    Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring a
    fugutive
    Jan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show host
    Kum Hia---------------------Approach me
    Lao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan's Island
    Lao Zi----------------------Not very good
    Lin Ching-------------------An illegal execution
    Moon Lan Ding---------------A great achievement of the American space program
    Ne Ahn----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
    Shai Gai--------------------A bashful person
    Tai Ne Bae Be---------------A premature infant
    Tai Ne Po Ne----------------A small horse
    Ten Ding Ba-----------------Serving drinks to people
    Wa Shing Kah----------------Cleaning an automobile
    Wai So Dim------------------Are you trying to save electricity?
    Wai U Shao Ting-------------There is no reason to raise your voice
    Yu tah Mai tah Ai tah yur tah--- Adjusting each others neckwear
    Submitted by Vitalij Grinberg

    Travel Agents

    The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why
    US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...

    A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all
    the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
    take the train to Hawaii?"

    A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
    flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried
    to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
    understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
    very fast, and she bought that!

    A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your
    bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you
    ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
    tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
    connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
    it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
    Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
    her luggage.

    I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to
    get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told
    my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on
    them."

    A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
    computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
    plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

    A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in
    order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
    reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
    times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
    enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've
    been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
    Express."

    A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
    Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
    agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
    "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some
    searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every
    airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
    The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.
    Check your map!"
    The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
    don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
    "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


    Believe it if you will

    In the US (at least in California at any rate) they have carpool
    lanes, in which you can only drive if there is more than one person in
    the car. This is California's version of public transport.

    A woman was recently pulled up by the highway patrol for driving alone
    in a carpool lane. She replied that she was pregnant, and therefore
    there were two people in the car. This of course opens up a huge can
    of worms.

    The woman is actually (at the moment) expected to win her case.

    This of course does not worry the ever resourceful California Highway
    patrol, as they can then prosecute her under an obscure law that
    forbids more than one person sitting on the driver's seat of a car...


    A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
    expensive cigars, insured them against ...get this ... fire. Within
    a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
    having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
    filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man
    stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The
    insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the
    man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

    The man sued ... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated
    that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had
    warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it
    would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it
    considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate
    the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly
    appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and
    paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

    After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him
    arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and
    testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him,
    the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
    sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

    Submitted by
    Peter Staal


    More stupid criminals

    Seattle..... When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a
    motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than
    he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill
    man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
    spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
    and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
    The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was
    the best laugh he'd ever had.

    A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
    there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report
    called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read
    the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged
    to meet, and the thief was arrested.

    David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,
    after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
    the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
    $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
    stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
    him from behind.

    Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
    drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
    register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the
    cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
    The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
    [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
    committed?]

    Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
    decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
    window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block
    and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
    back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
    Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole
    event was caught on videotape.

    Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
    walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am,
    flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
    because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a
    food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
    they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
    walked away.

    Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
    running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
    truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though,
    they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
    and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With
    their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's
    license plate still attached to the bumper.

    A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying
    a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
    MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F----UP!" For a moment, everyone was
    silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it
    and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because
    he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
    before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
    In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall
    engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f----up!"


    Irresistible force meets immovable object

    This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
    CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

    Submitted by Doug Larimore


    Possible Software Conflicts (for the non-techie)

    I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
    having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
    DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
    GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
    that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background
    mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't
    find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and
    it works okay.

    GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
    program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
    incompatibility.

    I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
    might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
    conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
    experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
    cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
    Ring to run properly. He was right-as soon as I purged my cache, it
    uninstalled itself.

    Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
    supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
    anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

    I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
    SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
    worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
    still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with
    GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I
    didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any
    other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some
    way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

    The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
    problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
    obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
    think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
    than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections
    with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
    And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

    A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
    GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
    of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires
    within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but
    soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes
    as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't
    load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go
    with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

    Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
    sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
    Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
    running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

    Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0
    which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off. I told him
    to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run
    it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney
    files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't
    install anyway because of insufficient resources.

    I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware,
    it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful
    about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

    (Submitted by Elena Shur)

    Mars & Venus

    You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus?? Well, here's
    a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two
    of my English students: Rebecca and Gary. This story was completed for
    English 44A, Creative Writing, at SMU taught by Professor Miller.

    In-class assignment for Wednesday: Today we will be experimenting with
    a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
    will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
    One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The
    partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
    story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
    forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to
    keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion
    has been reached.


    (Rebecca)

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
    chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
    reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
    liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
    off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
    him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
    of the question.


    (Gary)

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
    now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
    the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
    spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,"
    he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.
    No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
    particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
    cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat
    and across the cockpit.


    (Rebecca)

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
    one last pang of regret for psychologically brutalizing the one woman who
    had ever truly loved him. Soon afterwards, earth stopped its pointless
    hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
    Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her
    newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited and bored her.
    She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth--when the days had passed
    unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
    distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
    around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
    pondered wistfully.


    (Gary)

    Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
    of miles about the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
    its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
    the unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
    Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
    determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
    of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
    enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
    them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
    missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
    top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast
    of Guam, felt inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and
    85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
    conference table, "We cannot allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
    Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"


    (Rebecca)

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
    writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.


    (Gary)

    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
    writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.


    (Rebecca)

    A**hole.


    (Gary)

    Bitch.


    Bad Day

    So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a
    Florida newspaper:

    A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
    house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
    and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding
    the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the
    motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

    The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
    husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying
    next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
    and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill,
    the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to
    direct the paramedics to her husband.

    After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,
    the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that
    gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels,
    blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

    The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
    After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
    damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the
    bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing
    the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl
    while still seated.

    The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
    screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the

    floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on
    the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran
    to the phone and called for an ambulance.

    The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
    street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
    carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to
    the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the
    wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the
    paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher
    and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and
    broke his arm.

    So, how about that for a monday morning starter ??

    Submitted by Peter Staal


    How to hunt elephants

    Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing
    out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
    whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the
    existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of
    an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate
    students.

    Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

    1. Go to Africa
    2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
    3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
    continent alternately East and West.
    4. During each traverse
    a. Catch each animal seen
    b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
    c. Stop when a match is detected.

    Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
    placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
    algorithm will terminate.

    Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
    animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
    within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
    elephant.

    Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and
    call it an elephant.

    Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by
    the hour to advise those who do.

    Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time
    selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two
    days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the
    first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an
    elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
    gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

    Submitted by Paul Nixon


    The Man from Microsoft

    There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.

    "Not you again," I said.

    "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm
    here."

    Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the
    Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to
    convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an
    essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not
    everyone had bought it.
    Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without
    Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door,
    and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

    "No," I said.

    "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows
    95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

    "Not interested," I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go
    bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who
    doesn't have a copy."

    "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

    "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I
    said.
    "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own
    Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people
    who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short,
    there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

    The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

    "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE
    it?"

    "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on
    about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our
    records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

    "People without computers?"

    "Got 'em."

    "Amazonian Indians?"

    "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

    "The Amish."

    "Check."

    "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you
    get them to buy a computer operating system?"

    "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box,"
    the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all
    going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for
    a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he
    said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

    "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you
    expect me to do it, too?"

    "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

    "No."

    "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell
    you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install
    it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

    "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And
    frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I
    mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine.
    Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world
    peace or something."

    "It did."

    "Pardon?"

    "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One
    button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

    "So what happened?"

    "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard
    drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway,
    we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

    "Go away," I said.

    "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail.."

    "You have got to be kidding," I said.

    "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The
    Amish!
    Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had.
    We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again.
    But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing.
    It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product.
    It's embarassing to BILL."

    "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

    "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of
    those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one
    of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a
    pile of grey ash."

    "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95
    by accident."

    "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man
    said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave
    me no choice.
    If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely.
    In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does
    Montserrat sound?"

    "Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

    "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

    "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of
    Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the
    market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you
    do then?"

    The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

    "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"

    "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

    I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a
    laser,and then nothing.


    "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" by Dave Barry

    ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
    procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
    to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
    sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
    documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
    listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
    documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
    under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
    effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
    scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
    in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
    thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
    then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
    dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
    along.

    Submitted by Doug Larimore


    How to Order Pizza

    • If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
      the person taking the order to stop doing that.

    • Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
      conversation."

    • Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
      you're going with the lowest bidder.

    • Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
      Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

    • Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

    • Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

    • Change your accent every three seconds.

    • Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
      follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need
      paper.

    • Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
      "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

    • Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap
      yourself and say "No, I don't."

    • If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
      "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the window."

    • Rent a pizza.

    • Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
      sigh of relief.

    • Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
      speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and
      scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

    • Play a sitar in the background.

    • Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
      hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you
      can surprise him/her.

    • Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

    • Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
      "Where was I? Who are you?"

    • Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask
      again.

    • Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
      and. . . action!"

    • Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

    • Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
      "This may be my last entry."

    • Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

    • Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at
      regular intervals to play it.

    • Put them on hold.

    • Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all
      subsequent orders.

    • Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing
      you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
      respond.

    • When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is
      repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just
      don't get it, do you?"

    • While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch
      often; act embarrassed.

    • Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs.
      If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

    • Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
      background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

    Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is
    wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
    of
    face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
    as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually
    pale
    and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Room is spinning.
    Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
    Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its
    owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
    Fault: Drooling on yourself.
    Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain
    loudly that you are being hijacked.

    Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
    Fault: You're at a circus.
    Solution: Go to a bar.

    Submitted by Vitalij Grinberg

    Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Toronto Welfare
    Department from applications for aid and assistance

    I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two
    years old. When do I get my money?

    I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

    This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?

    Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with
    can't eat or do anything until he finds out.

    I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a
    lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

    My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any
    relief since.

    Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

    You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any
    difference?

    I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the
    doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things
    don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.

    Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but
    it got dirty and I burned it.

    I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in
    hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.

    Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three
    months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same....

    Toilet paper is a necessity

    It was in Yugoslavia that I learned to drink plum brandy and that I
    discovered that toilet paper was a necessity of life.

    Jon's relatives were very nice people. However, I was sure they wanted to
    get rid of us when they pulled out the cognac. Now I have been told that
    there is really good cognac, but I have yet to be served any. It just seems
    a terrible waste to me to distil white wine into this stuff. Cognac has all
    the bad properties of poor white wine and none of the good properties of a
    good whiskey.

    After two days of cognac even Jon suggested that we visit his other
    relatives who were vacationing on the Yugoslav Adriatic coast. And so out
    of the mountains descended the motorcycle gang from hell.

    Wasn't much of gang as Dean's cycle began to run rough at any speed above 30
    mph. It's not at all impressive to have a two cylindar, two cycle Russian
    car pass you going up hill. But...we finally made it back to Ljubljana.

    Now here is a real hint. Ride a motorcycle that the locals are familiar
    with or be prepared to do all your own work. The locals knew lots about
    BMWs, but they didn't have a clue about Triumphs. The best we could do was
    a "eine moment" and they would disappear for ten or fifteen minutes. So, we
    spent the next two days trying to trace the problem ourselves.

    We'd work for and hour and then try it out. Work great. Load everything up
    and start out. Problem shows back up in 10 or 15 miles. This was a very
    un-fun part of the trip. After two days of trial and error when found that
    the problem was an intermittent connection on one of the connectors going to
    one of the coils. Don't you love Lucas Electrics?! (I forget most you have
    never had to ride with them. Let me just say that Lucas is know as the
    prince of darkness and that Sir Lucas, the owner of the company, is reported
    to have said that Gentlemen do not drive after dark.)

    I drank a lot of plum brandy during this time and I discovered that a bottle
    of plum brandy falling from the back of a moving motorcycle will not break 7
    times out of 10! I assume that it is something like dropping eggs and has
    something to do with the horizontal vs vertical motion. If any of you care
    to try this out, I would be more than happy of help you drink half the
    bottle (I never tried with a full bottle.)

    It was also during this time that I discovered the purity and holy aspects
    of toilet paper. As you move toward and down the coast of the Adriatic the
    climate and people become more eastern mediterranean in nature and aspect.
    And it was somewhere down here that we began to encounter the "bombsite"
    toilet in great numbers.

    For those of you who have not had the opportunity to travel where the
    "bombsite" is used, please let me enlighten you to the fact that the US
    style sitdown toilet is not a worldwide standard. In fact, I would guess
    that a majority of the people of the world uses the "bombsite" as the
    standard toilet.

    These toilets consist of a flat porcelain fixture level with the floor. In
    the center of the fixture is a hole approximately eight inches in diameter.
    On either side of the hole and slightly in front of it are two pads. The
    user is expected to approach the hole, do a 180 degree turn, pull down the
    pants (or up the skirt), backup until the feet are on the pads, and then
    squat carefully to the proper height. The problem is that unless you grew
    up with these things, it is a little hard to accurately judge the correct
    position for dropping your load. I think that it was Dean who came up with
    the term "bombsite" and it seemed appropriate.

    Believe me when I say that these toilets are not the place for long
    contemplative sessions ( and I sometimes do my best thinking while sitting
    ). It is also difficult to keep from dragging your pants on the....porcelain
    as you squat (I see why many men in some countries wear a skirt type
    arrangement).

    Another aspect of eastern culture is that toilet paper definitely is not
    furnished.

    Now, get the picture...hot weather, "bombsites", no toilet paper. We needed
    only one more thing to complete this disaster and it took the form of a
    fountain (spigot really) beside the road. It was hot. The bikes were hot,
    the leather coats were hot, and we were hot. The road was two lanes.
    Traffic was heavy. When the road side spigot came up, we all stopped and
    soaked in the water. It was great. Cool, refreshing, and only a slightly
    metalic taste.

    Let it be said that my intestines held on for a good hour after we had
    tanked up. At that point it became necessary to stop immediately. There
    are few 'public' toilets in Yugoslavia, but severe diarrhea will cause you
    to forget all about anything but getting your pants down. Jon and Dean
    thought that the whole thing was very, very funny. They even considered it
    humorous when I tore up T-shirts to use for toilet paper. They considered
    it less funny when I grabbed the map and threatened to us it. I exhausted
    everything we had that could possibly be conceived for use as toilet paper.
    I even used a few things that could be termed as "highly creative."

    It was at this point that God saw fit to complete this comedy of errors.
    Dean and Jon suddenly discovered that they too had acquired my malady.
    Fortunately for them, we were passing what might be called a 'public
    facility.' It had no doors and did not look as if it had been cleaned in
    years, but then I did say that severe need makes any port look good.

    But God was not finished. She saw fit to include the final two aspects of
    the equation. "Bombsite" toilets and no toilet paper. As I remember Jon
    just dropped his bike as he ran for the toilet. Dean at least got the kick
    stand down. I will say, however, that Jon did have his pants down as he
    cleared the door while Dean was still struggling with buttons on his.

    Perhaps it was just as well for Dean that he didn't get his pants down as
    quickly. Jon planted on foot on the floor pad and attempted a 180 degree
    spin into position, but discovered too late that the floor was almost as
    slick as the Yugoslav roads. To put it bluntly, he let go and sat down at
    the same time. Missed the hole too. Dean actually made it. I was rolling
    in the dirt.

    At this point there was some serious negotiations over the remaining
    "excess" clothing that could be used for toilet paper and clean up. I was
    definitely negoitating from a strong point being the only one still standing
    (so to speak).

    And this is how I learned the godly and holy aspects of toilet paper. Thou
    shalt always carry at least two full rolls of pure white toilet paper on
    thoust motorcycle. (eleventh commandment) (especially when traveling
    overseas. bottle water is also a good idea TJ)

    Well...someone should tell our to be world rider about this as I see that he
    is no longer reading the group. I was really doing this for him. I have
    tried to make some of the things that I have seen and learned interesting
    for him and for you. However, I now have a deadline at work and my next two
    weeks are going to be 16 hour days. So...I'm going to quit for awhile. In
    a few weeks I will ask if there is still interest in my continuing these
    postings. If there is, let me know and I will go on.

    Someone asked if these really happened or if I enlarged on these in any way.
    They did really happen and I have not enlarged on them. This is what life
    is really like. None of the thing we call life sitting infront of a CRT all
    day. Take a motorcycle trip; better yet, take three or four months and take
    a motorcycle trip in a foreign country. Some of it will be great and some
    of it will be really bad, but you will live! Don't have an itinerary, don't
    have a time line. Let it flow and what will happen to you will be a lot
    like the things I have described. They're really real man; every damn thing
    happened just like I have told it. Go see for yourself and as soon as my
    kids get out of high school, I'll be back out there with you.

    Cheers!

    Tom Johnson's European Motorcycling

    Classified Ads

    (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    Stock up and save. Limit: one.

    3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

    Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
    for efficient beating.

    Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

    Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
    take home, too.

    We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
    carefully by hand.

    Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of
    aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

    For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

    Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

    Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

    Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to
    assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
    contributing to growth of family.

    And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in
    variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

    ...You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

    You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
    Decency Act.

    You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

    Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

    Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

    You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

    You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and
    no phone lines.

    You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
    cellular modem and a laptop.

    You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
    lap...
    and your child in the overhead compartment.

    All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
    connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

    And even your night dreams are in HTML.

    You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
    you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
    moved
    and you don't have a clue when it happened.

    Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
    what she looks like.

    All of your friends have an @ in their names.

    When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice
    all
    of them are already highlighted in purple.

    Your dog has its own home page.

    You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
    through Lycos.

    You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

    You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
    again.

    You refer to your age as 3.x.

    You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
    even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

    Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

    Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
    your favorite IRC channel.

    You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

    You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
    because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to
    ask.

    You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

    You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

    Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

    You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest
    games
    from Apogee.

    You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

    You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
    your e-mail on the way back to bed.

    Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to
    your
    IRC channel.

    Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

    You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search
    engines
    useless.

    You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
    ISP...because you never log off.

    The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

    You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
    front of your computer with a toilet.

    You forget what year it is.

    You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

    You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

    You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
    allowed
    to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

    You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

    Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
    buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two
    of
    you can chat.

    As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
    your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

    Submitted by Vitaliy O. Grinberg


    She Drives For A Relationship. He's Lost In The Transmission.

    Stories, part 2
    Stories, part 3


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