Web daugava.com
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor. A small
voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher; she's dead."

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so, he hired a famous
Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities
that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house
I watch
He and she leave house
I follow
He and she get on train
I follow
He and she go in hotel
I climb tree-look in window
He kiss she
She kiss he
He strip she
She strip he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
Fall out of tree, not see
NO FEE


A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the
pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" he asks.

"It's of a big rooster," she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to
the kitchen table where she has it laid out.

He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for
Pete's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"


Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he
walks
into a room, people call him
'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a
cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say
'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee
in silence, the first three women give her this
subtle "Well...?" Finally she replies, "My son
is a gorgeous, 6' 2, hard-bodied stripper, when
he walks into a room women say,
'Oh my God'."


Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was
planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, so his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's
wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Hearing this, her family rushed into the room and saw the following note
on
the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.


Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a
contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers
and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for
several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt
of lightning strikes,taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power
is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to
show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the
power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the
voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."


A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man
sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go
to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think
of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking
when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know
what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them
truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of
the normal six feet ?
Because deep down, they really are good people.

A man is having trouble with his business. Whatever he tries,
nothing seems to work. Exasperated, he goes to church to ask
for an advice. Preacher tell him: "All the answers are in the
Bible, my son. Just open it and you'll see an answer to your
problem". Businessman follows the advice - he goes home, opens
his Bible and the first thing he sees is: "Chapter 11".

A man is calling the hospital and frantically saying:
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!"
The hospital staff worker asks:
"Is this her first child?"
"No, you, idiot! This is her husband!"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.
9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9
iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las
Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy asks, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I
should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year-old girl."

....And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God
decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in
order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you
died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked
the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
you died." "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now,
I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day
on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor
apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home
too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately
began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at
me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find
him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto
the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by
his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from
me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some
bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off
even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first
thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out
onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories
and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that
right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok,
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I
can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure
thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was
out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my
fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a
sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts
cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit
some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I
didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,
unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his
refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on
top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as
the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.",
he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome
to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter.

A few
seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me
about the day you died.", said the angel. "Ok. Picture this.",
says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator.."....................

Submitted by Leo Alekseyev


Haircuts - The difference between men and women

Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut
like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck
with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I
think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it
would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder
line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.


A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're making you do now!"


While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped
by a guard who pointed to twosacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand,"said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued
across the border.
Two weeks later, the samething happened. Again the guard demanded to see the
two bags, whichagain contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for
six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A
few days later, the gaurd happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend,
you sure had us crazy", said the gaurd.
"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a
word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say
to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He
thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.

So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his
wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty
soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but
they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew
out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full
of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"


A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking trough a citypark
and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke.

The Genie says, " I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one".

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the
Sardinia, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.

"You're next", the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says," I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

Submitted by Vladimir Zimont

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at
a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of
oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who
passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times,
especially on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day
weekend.

The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling
down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or
so the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the
cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and
some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and
waving at him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his
hiding place was so well concealed.

Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he
was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went to
investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short
distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found
the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road
with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A
little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was
injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the
amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual"
handicap, he was very self-conscious.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business,
so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to
own a business.

So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
He realized, however, that he had no business knowledge at all. So he
decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The
first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"

The candidate said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."

The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate
was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"

This candidate also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."

The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better
than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?"

The candidate replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if
you don't have any f***ing ears!"
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The
sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said,
"But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said,
"Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said,
"Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of
it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the
Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t
talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it ---
a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll
cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I
caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam
Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!"
A frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat
you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he
says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him
a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows
his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it
past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to
go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make
it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final
then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and
explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went
up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but
that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They
did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out
and get something to eat. They
walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad,
there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed
the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son
said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big
enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The
son said, "Now there's
nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Anytime you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts
from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton, and you'll realize
thereare lots of people in the world far, far more idiotic than you could
possibly be...

  • AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
    was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be
    the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

  • A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
    floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the
    tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
    crossing the room to close the door to his room.

  • Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
    computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
    technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by
    holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

  • Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so
    a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
    couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
    software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a
    couple of geeks."

  • A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
    enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".
    The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
    responses shouldn't be taken personally.

  • Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
    brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
    plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
    happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
    she asked "What power switch?"

    "Mr. Speaker, will you please turn me on?"
    -- Georgia state representative Anne Mueller, complaining to the
    Georgia speaker Tom Murphy that her microphone was turned off.
    Speaker Murphy responded: "Thirty years ago, I would have tried."

    "Stuffed egg-plant with minced crap."
    -- From a menu at the upscale Jade Garden restaurant in Swire
    House, Sydney, Australia

    "The evening will conclude with a toast to the incoming president
    in champagne kindly supplied by the outgoing president, drunk as
    usual at midnight."
    -- brochure for a club's annual dinner

    "And now the sequence of events in no particular order."
    -- Dan Rather, CBS news anchor, during a radio broadcast

    "I am not wanting to make too long speech tonight as I am knowing
    your old English saying, "Early to bed and up with the cock.""
    -- Hungarian diplomat, in a speech to an embassy party

    "The only way we'll ever get a volunteer army is to draft them."
    -- Chairman of the House Committee on Armed Services F. Edward
    Hebert. He was serious.

    "The only thing to prevent what's past is to put a stop to it
    before it happens."
    -- attributed to Sir Boyle Roche, eighteenth-century member of
    Parliament from Tralee, famed for his word-mangling

    "Open seven days a week, excluding Sundays!"
    -- Sign on a Kentucky Fried Chicken store

    The start of the new school term always brings out the most
    interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The
    predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and
    how to access the "Information Highway".

    An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office
    yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to
    get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

    He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach- I asked him
    where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

    He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"

    Signs that you are too drunk

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interferring with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

    At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
    fell
    asleep clothed. - hmm.

    The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

    I'm as jober as a sudge.

    A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the
    lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow
    into
    this breathalyzer tube."

    The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do
    that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

    "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
    sample."

    "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to
    death."

    "Well, then we need a urine sample."

    "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do
    that I'll get really low blood sugar."

    "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

    "I can't do that, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm drunk."

    The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second,
    defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and
    the cab behind you honking.
    -- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

    Two men were sentenced for 20 years to be in a single room with only one
    wish in each 10 years. The first man asked for as many books as he can
    put
    in his room, so he can read these books in next 10 years alone. The
    second
    one was a smoker as a habit. He asked for enough quantity of cigarettes
    for
    next 10 years. After giving the books and cigarettes, guardians closed
    and
    locked their doors. 10 years later it was the time to ask to the
    prisoners
    for their second wish for last 10 years. The first man asked for books
    again and a reading-glass. Then, they opened the door of the second
    prisoner and found him with all cigarettes and he was insane. They
    asked
    him for his second wish for the following 10 years.

    "Lighter !!!...Lighter!!!" he said with a screaming voice.

    So you want the day off. Let's take a look what you are asking for.

    There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per
    year in which you already have two days off per week leaving 261 days
    available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you
    have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30
    minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year,
    leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day,
    you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for
    work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you
    only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so
    your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you a
    14-day vacation per year that leaves only 1 day available for work, and
    I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

    Need that job? Just send this one back:

    Dear Mr. xyz,

    Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful
    consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to
    accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.

    This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
    unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a
    varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible
    for me to accept all refusals.

    Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and
    previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
    your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
    Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm
    immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing
    you then.

    Sincerely,
    Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations,
    10-10-95.

    #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
    collision.

    #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid
    collision.

    #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
    course.

    #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE
    WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

    #2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

    A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of
    really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so
    thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles
    looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his
    passengers are very nervous.

    At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building
    with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

    Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi,
    where am I?"

    The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."

    The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind
    landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the
    engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked
    the
    pilot how he did it.

    "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple
    question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely
    useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from
    there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
    Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
    the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
    been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
    deaths. So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
    has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch
    her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
    something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
    this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
    balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
    25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
    on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
    off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
    starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
    for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
    into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
    ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
    where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
    anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
    balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
    in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
    full, and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
    my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
    balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
    I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
    balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
    long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
    for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
    held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
    hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
    again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
    right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
    refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
    and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
    horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
    process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
    for his story.

    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
    refrigerator..."

    Brezhnev was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big
    Communist party meeting, and starts:

    "Dear Comrade Imperialists,"

    The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...

    "Dear Comrade Imperialists,"

    Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them
    Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to
    the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:

    "Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."

    It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting
    in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear
    collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began
    tumbling down the mountain -- with the bear in hot pursuit.

    Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one
    direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed in, the pastor
    cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please
    forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian.

    Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees,
    clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about
    to eat.''

    Two rednecks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking
    boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin' !

    When asked why the celebration, they boasted that they just finished
    a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!

    "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't
    take that long!!"

    "Oh yeah?" says one redneck. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS!

    During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
    Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point
    pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
    After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
    developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. the pen worked and also enjoyed
    some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

    The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

    President Clinton recently got off of Airforce One carrying a pig under each
    arm. The guard that met him at the bottom of the steps snapped off a salute
    and barked "Nice pigs, sir!"

    Clinton brusquely replied "Boy, these aren't pigs! These are Arkansas
    Razorback Hogs, the finest animal ever to walk the earth."

    "Yes Sir!" Said the guard.

    Clinton continued "I got this one for my wife, and this one for my
    daughter."

    The guard quickly snapped another salute and quipped "Excellent trade sir!"

    (Politically Correct Terminology)

    amphibian American frog
    aquatically challenged drowning
    biologically challenged dead
    chronologically gifted old
    client of the correctional system prisoner
    energy-efficient off
    equal opportunity employee bisexual hooker
    erectionally challenged impotent
    genetically discriminating racist
    gravitationally challenged fat
    horizontally challenged thin
    horizontally gifted fat
    morally challenged a crook
    motivationally dispossessed lazy
    nasally disadvantaged really BIG nose
    nasally gifted runny nose
    residentially flexible homeless
    romantically challenged not with somebody at the moment
    sanitation engineer garbage man
    sex care provider prostitute
    sexually focused chronologically
    gifted individual
    dirty old man

    The New Priest

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
    hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
    the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
    start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took
    the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
    nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon
    return to his office after mass he found the following note on his
    door.

    1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
    Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

    8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

    9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
    don't say he was stoned off his ass.

    10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
    "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not
    say, "Eat me."

    12) The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the
    Cherry".

    13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
    "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
    Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


    (Submitted by
    Vitaliy Grinberg)