Manager: I got a black belt in karate!
Dave: That doesn't scare me.
Manager: I got a gun!
Dave: You must be pretty lousy black belt, if you need a gun.
Manager: I got a black belt in karate!
Milt: I am a black man in Los Angeles!
Manager: I got a gun!
Dave: No, you don't. If you did, you'd be sticking it in my face, not talking about it. Rude Awakening
Tuesday 22 Feb 2000
"There are people who apply the hacker attitude to other things, like
electronics or music -- actually, you can find it at the highest levels of
any science or art.
Software hackers recognize these kindred spirits elsewhere and may call them
"hackers" too -- and some claim that the hacker nature is really independent
of the particular medium the hacker works in."
Wednesday 2 Feb 2000
Any stereotype is like a snapshot - it may be precise at the moment,
but becomes outdated a minute later!
Monday 24 Jan 2000
You cannot r-r-run from your own bunghole. Beavis
Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life,
the whole aim and end of human existence.
They (kids) walk with their baseball caps on backward, which makes about
as much sense as wearing a jockstrap backward.
I feel there ought to be a federal law stating that before you get your nose pierced,
you should have to take IQ test, which would consist of one question ("Do you want to
to get your nose pierced ?"), and if you gave the wrong asnwer
("Yes"), you would be legally prohibited from getting your nose
You'd see him on the TV news, zooming across the water, the
president of the United States, with an expression
identical to that of a three-year-old boy pushing a little
Tonka truck and making a motor sounds with his lips, the way
little boys instinctively do, like this: BRRRRMMMMM.
Looking at him, you knew for a fact that he was not thinking
about the unemployment rate, or the status of his proposed
federal budget, or problems in the Middle East. You knew
exactly what he is thinking, because it was the same thing
every guy is thinking when he is driving a motorized vehicle real
fast. George Bush, the Leader of the Free World, was thinking: BRRRRMMMMM.
"The role of Love has been misunderstood for a long time.
Love is not something we should do to be good or to make a world
a better place out of some abstract moral responsibility, or because
we should give up our hedonism. Finding enough energy to maintain
that state of Love certainly helps the world, but it most directly helps
us. It is the most hedonistic thing we can do."
"Poor miserable sod," thought Rob McKeena to himself, realizing
that here was somebody with a better right to feel hard done by
than himself, "must be chilled to the bone. Stupid to be out
hitching on a filthy night like this. All you get is cold, wet,
and lorries driving through puddles at you."
He shook his head grimly, heaved another sigh, gave the wheel a
turn and hit a large sheet of water square on.
"See what I mean?" he thought to himself as he ploughed swiftly
through it. "You get some right bastards on the road."
Splattered in his rear mirror a couple of seconds later was the
reflection of the hitch-hiker, drenched by the roadside.
For a moment he felt good about this. A moment or two later he
felt bad about feeling good about it. Then he felt good about
feeling bad about feeling good about it and, satisfied, drove on
into the night.
A Renault drove by, and its driver made frantic and complex
signals to the trudging figure to indicate that he would have
been delighted to give the figure a lift, only he couldn't this
time because he wasn't going in the direction that the figure
wanted to go, whatever direction that might be, and he was sure
the figure would understand. He concluded the signalling with a
cheery thumbs-up sign, as if to say that he hoped the figure felt
really fine about being cold and almost terminally wet, and he
would catch him the next time around.
A Maxi passed on the other side of the road and flashed its
lights at the slowly plodding figure, though whether this was
meant to convey a "Hello" or a "Sorry we're going the other way"
or a "Hey look, there's someone in the rain, what a jerk" was
His voice was a low soft purr, like the low soft
purr made by the opening of an ICBM silo.
The cheery quality of Ford's voice was beginning to grate on the
barman's ears. It sounded like someone relentlessly playing the
kazoo during one of the more sombre passages of a War Requiem.
"I have a very special service for rich people..." said the girl.
"Oh yes?" said Ford, intrigued but careful. "And what's that?"
"I tell them it's OK to be rich."
"... as if the law of gravity was no more than a
local regulation, and breaking it no more than a parking offence."
"Most people look at life through binoculars. They look at their
problems through the magnifying end.
Then they turn the binoculars around and look at their
Try it the other way and you will be happier"
Austin Powers: "What is the Russian guy doing here ?"
Boss: "A lot has changed since you were frozen. The Cold War is over."
AP: "So, the capitalist pigs finally had to pay for their crimes!"
B: "Ahem... no. Actually, we've won."
AP: "Alright! Yay, capitalism!"
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
the killings? The killers are to blame."
language has just celebrated it's 20th birhtday!
*Dobie and Maynard are riding a tandem bicycle*
Dobie: Watch out for the fountain!
Maynard: Like, what fountain ?
Girl: Oh, my, God, are you hurt ?
Dobie: No, I'm fine.
Maynard: I'm hurt.
Girl: You must have been going 30 miles per hour!
Dobie: 40, to be exact.
Girl: 40 ?
Dobie: More like 50. Allow me to introduce myself: Dobie Gillis, also known as Speed.
Maynard: Dobe, let's go to the doctor, I think I need operating.
Dobie: And what do you think I'm doing ?
TV Show "Many Loves of Dobie Gillis"
"How many times do I have to tell you ? I am not a messiah!"
"Only a true messiah will deny his divinity!"
"Ok, then I AM a messiah."
"He is! He is a messiah!"
"That doesn't leave me much choice, does it ?"
Monthy Python's "Life of Brian"
"Remember the other day, at the gas station ?"
"Remember, all the people kept coming in and you got the
idea of taking their wallets ? Now, that was a good idea."
"All lines are down ? Don't you have any lines open for
emergencies or celebrities ? I'm both! I am a celebrity and an
emergency! Well, what about the satellite ? Does it snow in space
1: "Let me ask you, guys, a question".
1: "What if there was no tomorrow ?"
2: "No tomorrow ? That would mean no consequences, no hangovers,
we could do whatever we wanted!"
1: "That's right... we could do whatever we want..."
*makes sharp turn and hits the mailbox"
2: "Hey, if we wanted to hit mailboxes, we could have let Ralph
"I am sorry. I am not laughing AT you, I am laughing WITH you."
"But I am not laughing!"
"Happiness" (the movie)
"Nothing, but the blasters and her lightsaber... and Luke.
Luke, who stood with his back to hers, fending off the other
tireless, indestructible sentinel droid. Back to back, fighting
for their lives, for each others lives. Never had Mara experienced
'Now,' said Benjy, 'to business.'
Ford and Zaphod clinked their glasses together.
'To business!' they said.
'I beg your pardon?' said Benjy.
Ford looked round.
'Sorry, I thought you were proposing a toast,' he said.
"You're gonna beat me ? At golf ? Oh, you're on! You're in big
trouble, though - I eat pieces of s**t like you for breakfast!"
"You eat pieces of s**t for breakfast ?!"
"I can't stand the idea of anybody not liking me".
"What about relatives of all the people you've killed ? I don't
think they are of very high opinion about you".
The Big Hit
"I told you, the snails are single sex - they don't need another organism to reproduce!"
"Right! And I would have remembered it if I actually listened when you were talking to me".
"You are so full of it!"
"Yes I am! And so are you".
From a README file:
Windows is a weird environment. Sometimes some things don't work.
"I feel the world is a better place because
some people follow their dream and create a nightmare."
"... and we ("she"; I was really only responsible for the first 2 minutes of
the process) had a perfect son "
"Before you visit them, know three things: that they've no artistic merit
by any standard, that they in no way reflect any of my personal beliefs, and
that it's sad that we live in an era where disclaimers like this are a
- I am member of the Beat Generation!
- Maynard, you don't even know what 'beat' means.
- Sure I do! It's... well... at least, I know what 'generation' means!
- What ?
- Um... can I start with the 'beat' again ?
- I am an angry young man!
- What are you so angry about ?
- I don't know... that's why I am such an angry young man!
"If you love him... if you really, really love him... then just keep
on loving him. And don't let him know that you know what you know...
you know ?"
- Heya, chicks!
- Hello. But we are not chickens, we are geese!
- No... I thought you were swans!
"Well hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I sort of felt
out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller
blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck."
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream.
Throw your teacher overboard
And listen to him scream.
"What human beings can do is absolutely amazing!
What they will do is usually disappointing".
"I think this is the beggining of a wonderful relationship".
"It's strange how anybody who comes in contact with those diamonds
seems to... die"
Tiffany: "You've just killed James Bond!"
Bond: "Is that who it was ?".
"She's pretty good looking... for a girl".
Diamonds are Forever
::: Channels :::
I hate push. I hate push. I hate push. Get out of my face.
Some days lectures are hell. You're not understanding anything so you shift
your brain into note-mode, sort of like neutral only your copying notes off
the board. Later on, your mind boggles at what you have written, and you
swear you were possessed by some evil Thermodynamics demon. This happens to
everyone now and then, and is quite normal (your mind boggling, that is, not
getting possessed by disgruntled Physics demons).
are labs where no one knows what they're doing, everyone is running around in circles, and the equipment is
either too complex, broken, or too complex and broken.
The Slacker's Guide to Science One
Haven't I made it abundantly clear, during the time we've
known each other, that I don't know s**t ?
"On Friday, Cyber Promotions was
reconnected by AGIS, the Net backbone
provider that booted the emailer in
mid-September. About two hours later, though,
a construction crew in Michigan accidentally
severed a fiber-optic cable, interrupting
service to a number of AGIS customers,
including the unpopular spammer."
For those, who are interested in psychology/metaphysics and,
by a strange stroke of luck, also have AOL account; connect
on Tuesday 10/07/97, at 7PM central time - Deepak Chopra will
- Beavis, you are lying!
- Yeah, yeah, lying is cool!
From SARC Virus Info Database:
When you choose FileSaveAs from the menu a message box pops up
with the message "Shall I infect this file ?". If you click "yes",
your file will be infected, otherwuse the file will save as normal
without being infected. This is obviously how the virus got its name.
"The computer finished sending out e-mail at 6 a.m. At 6:05 I got a phone
call from England. By 6:45 I had about 30 phone calls from all over the
world by people angered by my spam. I didn't even know what spam was. I
also didn't know what 'flame' meant, but I learned quickly."
"The Great Browser War, entering its third year, may be taking the
combatants down the wrong path, says Jerry Michalski, editor of the newsletter
Both Netscape and Microsoft have been seriously distracted by trying to turn the
desktop into a TV with the channel metaphor--Microsoft's Active Desktop and
Netscape's Constellation," says Michalski, "and I think the channel metaphor is
pretty heinous. So I think there's a big opportunity for somebody, and I wish it were
Netscape, but it could be Microsoft and it could be a third party, to step in an do all
of this better."
One small firm that would like to step up to this opportunity is
The company has attracted a small but extremely loyal following for its
Opera Web browser, a lean and speedy app for Windows and OS/2 that the
company says can run on 386 machines with just 8MB of RAM."
"I beleive our recent arguments with Veronica are some sort of manifestation
of a subconscious desire to break up."
First they came for the hackers.
But I never did anything illegal with my computer,
so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the pornographers.
But I thought there was too much smut on the Internet anyway,
so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the anonymous remailers.
But a lot of nasty stuff gets sent from anon.penet.fi,
so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the encryption users.
But I could never figure out how to work PGP anyway,
so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for me.
And by that time there was no one left to speak up.
"Bill liked him because he reminded Bill of Eager Beaver who had
acted the same way. But of course he had been a Chingar spy. And a
"On top of the sphere was another sphere, smaller, and
still smaller one above that. What were these spheres made of ?
Bill hiccuped lightly and realized that he didn't really care".
(Robert Sheckley, Harry Harrison)
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within us. It is not just in some of us,
it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
Letterman the other night said something profound in regards
to his work and appearance, "This is the hand that I was dealt
for life, so I might as well enjoy the game and play it the
best that I can."
"Anyway, one day that crazy old man shows up. Said he was
a distant relative of mine. I don't see any resemblance."
Biff, Back to the Future - 2
I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him
if he wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on
people when they're in the toilet... Bastard Operator from Hell
Trivia question: "Chronologically, what are last words of Jules
in 'Pulp Fiction' ?"
Mulla Nasrudin went into a bank with a cheque to cash.
'Can you identify yourself?' asked the clerk.
Nasrudin took out a mirror and peered into it.
'Yes, that's me all right,' he said.
"We were a family of overachievers. By the time I was 4, I was 5. And I left
home at 6. But I was back by 6:15. When I was 7, I wrote a book on the
Washington Monument! But some janitor scrubbed it off."
" Pappy signed the Declaration of Independence! For that, he was punished
by the museum guards."
"One night the village high priest went from hut to hut looking for virgins
to sacrifice. And I went from hut to hut just ahead of him, saving young
"Every 30 seconds in this country a man has a heart attack. How that man
survives, I'll never know."
"Trade offs are a fact of life in everything we do. When a hammer falls
onto my foot I don't find that satisfactory at all. The alternative
would be to live without gravity."
'Do you speak my language ?'
And he just smiled
And gave me a sandwich"
Ray: Hey, did you hear that our pamphlet, "Ten Ways You May Be Ruining Your
Car Without Even Knowing It," is a million seller!
Tom: That's not what I said, you knucklehead. I said I had a MILLION of
them in the CELLAR!
- Who's motorcycle is it ?
- It's not a motorcycle, it's a chopper.
- Who's chopper is it ?
- Who's Zed ?
- Zed is dead, baby. Zed is dead.
"Come on, come on, you guys!", Han said, "Let's have an organized retreat here!"
"Fine," Threepio said, "You organize while I retreat".
"Courtship of Princess Leia"
"The galaxy is littered with ex-Pralite monks, all on the make,
because the mental control techniques the Order have evolved as a
form of devotional discipline are, frankly, sensational - and
extraordinary numbers of monks leave the Order just after they
have finished their devotional training and just before they take
their final vows to stay locked in small metal boxes for the rest
of their lives."
"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"It's not that we don't trust you" - said Lando, "It's just that we don't trust