Frivolous Jokes

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their
way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to
admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything! (THOUGHT
THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU???)

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at
work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard
her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph,

"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!".

Ralph looked out the window and said,

"I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!".

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?".

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the
air blow over your skin while you are running.".

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your
arm?".

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end
of the run and get in my car to go home.".

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?".

Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first,
Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local
pet store in
search of an exotic pet...

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says:

Snatch Eating
Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back
Guarantee!
(Comes with complete
instructions).

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers
softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions
carefully."

Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out
the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it
says to do...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down
"there".

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs
and, to her
surprise, nothing happens!

Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She
re-reads the
instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If
you have any
problems or questions, please call the pet store".

So, Cindy calls...

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some
complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over".

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.

Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there".

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes
and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how
to do this one
more time!"

A man went to the circus and asked for a job. "What can you do?.
the ringmaster asked.
"I can make love to 20 women, one after the other". the man boasted.
Not believing him, the ringmaster called all of the circus women.
Sure enough, the man made love to twenty of them, one after the other.
"All right you can start tomorrow night." the ringmaster told him.
So, next night, the man came out into the ring.
Twenty women followed him. He made love to the first, then the second...
but after 10, he was totally exhausted and collapsed.
"What happened"? the ringmaster asked.
"Dunno", he said. "It all went fine in rehearsal this afternoon".

Billy and Jimmy are playing out on the playground. Jimmy turns to Billy
and says, "Billy, what's a penis?"
Billy replies, "I don't know. I'll ask my parents when I get home."
So that afternoon Billy goes home. Billy's mom is in the kitchen. Billy
goes up to her and asks, "Mom, what's a penis?"
Billy's mom says, "Billy! Don't ask me questions like that! Go ask
your father."
So Billy runs off and finds his father, reading the afternoon paper.
Billy asks his father, "Dad, what's a penis?"
Billy's father seems quite pleased with his son's question. "Ah, my son
is becoming a man!" Billy's father stands up, undoes his pants, pulls
them and his underwear down.
"This, my son, this is a penis," says Billy's father. "And for your
information, this is not just any old penis. This is a 'perfect' penis."
Now fully informed, Billy returns to school the next day. At recess
Jimmy approaches Billy.
"Hey, Billy, did you find out what a penis is?"
"Yeah, I did," Billy says, and leads Jimmy back behind some tress where
no one can see them.
Billy undoes his pants, pulls them and his underwear down and says,
"Jimmy, this is a penis. And not only that: if it were two inches
shorter, it would be a 'perfect' penis."

A Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the
bed,
sweating and panting.

"What's going on here?' he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to
grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up
and
says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and
he's
got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there
is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"


A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping
willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson
says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and
opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he
reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The
grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of
your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"


The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it," He spent the
rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his
office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He
considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized
his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the
highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm,
he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his
mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He
heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied,
"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The policeman then told him,
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there,
because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The
judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a
divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the
court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds
that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said
she was fucking Goofy!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report
on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period." reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"I have no idea," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot
himself!?"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his
mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man!"Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several
times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran
into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike!I need a bike!"

While auditioning for a job, a pianist played one of his own
compositions. "That's beautiful," the lounge owner said, "What do you
call it?"
"Rip Her Clothes Off and Screw Her Doggie Style,"the pianist replied.
The owner asked him to play another piece, which was equally beautiful.
When asked the title, the pianist replied, "Shove Your Dick in Her Mouth
and Whistle a Happy Tune."
"Look,I love your music,"the owner said,"but I'll hire you only if you
keep your song titles to yourself."
The pianist agreed and began work that night.After his first set,he got up
to go to the men's room. On his way back, a customer stopped him.
"Excuse me, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock is hanging
out?"
"Know it?" the pianist replied."I wrote it! "

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave
them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests
and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help
you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy
some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you,
sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in
your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her
like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love
pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the
doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and
more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good
doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the
case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not
take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever
be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."


A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk
guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr.
Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good
samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives
it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and
quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to
the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes
Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he
leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.
Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get
Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger
door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing
softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the
front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls
down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I
gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his
wheelchair?"


A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex
products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures
baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the
guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the
nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss, is, but what's that 'pop!" every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The
sailor was not very good at it,
and uttered a loud "FUCK, I missed!" each time he missed.
The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and
couldn't take it any more.

"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".

It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued
unabated. One after another, the sailor played
badly, and followed up with "FUCK, I missed!!".
Again, the priest said "Do not utter such
profanities, or God will show you a sign".

It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was
followed by a loud "FUCK, I missed!!". A bolt of
lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.

Suddenly, a voice was heard in the clouds, "FUCK, I missed!!!"


Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court
and the Judge asks Mickey:

"So let me get this straight. You want to divorce Minnie
because you think she's insane?"

Mickey replies: "No! I said she's fucking Goofy!"


A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and say's "I bet $50 that no one
here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts
playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the
keys,
licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another
fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming
back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them
on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can
play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has
another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and
says "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajama's off I'm
gonna fuck it!"


A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and
the bride says to her new groom " Please promise to be gentle, as I am
still a virgin ".

The startled groom says " How can that be? You've been married 3 times
before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way. My first husband was a psychiatrist and
all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. "

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was
look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
ever...................................God I miss him !"


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
436."


Hoping to start breeding pigs, a farmer goes out and buys some of the
finest sows he can find...After several weeks, he notices that none of his
pigs are getting pregnant...Thinking something is wrong, he calls a vet who
informs him that he should try artificial insemination. Farmer not having
slightest idea what the vet means by this, but undeterred, asks how will he
know when his new purchases have become pregnant... The vet explains that
his pigs will stop standing there and will lay down and roll around in the
mud. Giving it some thought, the farmer concludes that artificial
insemination must require him impregnating his livestock himself. So he
loads them into a truck and drives out to the woods to have sex with them
all. The next morning, farmer wakes up early and looks out of his window
only to see his pigs still standing around in the field.Desperately he
takes them out to the woods again and bangs them all twice for good measure
before retiring to bed. The next morning, he wakes up to find the pigs
still standing around in the field. "One more try" he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day
fucking the pigs, and upon returning home, falls straight asleep. The next
morning, he cannot even raise himself to look at the pigs, so he asks his
wife to look out and tell him if they're still lying in the mud."No" she
says. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them's honking the
horn"

Three nuns decided to repaint their church's interior. They gathered all
their paint and other supplies and were just about ready to start when
one of them said, "How are we going to keep the paint off our habits?"

They thought for a while. Finally, one said, "Look -- we're the only
ones here. Why don't we just get naked so we don't have to worry about
it?"

They thought for a while and finally decided that, since no one else was
around, it would be OK. Stripped naked, they were well underway when
there came a knock at the church door. They immediately became alarmed,
thinking that someone was going to see them nude.

"Who is it?" one of the nuns cried out cautiously. "It's the blind man,"
came the reply.

The nuns breathed a sigh of relief, now that their modesty would not be
jeopardized. One of the nuns went to the door, opened it up, and said,
"May I help you, sir?"

The man stared at the nun and said, "Where do you want me to hang the
blinds?"


Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom.
The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the
sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water
and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with
lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At
Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the
bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed
his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a
splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with
only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular,
"At MIT, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be
thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the
bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past
the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At Stanford, I learned
not to piss on my hands."


An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Texas
when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her
a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse
and they
rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes
the Indian
would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the
surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station,
yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service station
attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his
waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"


This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I
want to open a f**kin' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f**kin' checking account
right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told
him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked,
"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in
the lottery and I want to open a f**kin' checking account in this
damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"


Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having a Cyber Affair
10 LATELY SHE SITS AT THE COMPUTER NAKED
9 AFTER SIGNING OFF HE ALWAYS HAS A CIGARETTE
8 THE GIANT RUBBER INFLATIBLE DISK DRIVE
7 IN THE MORNING THE COMPUTER SCREEEN IS ALL FOGGED UP
6 HE HAS GOTTEN AMAZINGLY GOOD AT TYPING WITH ON HAND. (YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT RITE)
5 SHE MAKES SARCASTIC REMARKS ABOUT YOUR SOFTWARE
4 LIPSTICK ON THE MOUSE
3 DURING SEX SHE SCREAMS A-COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 THE JAM IN THE LASER PRINTER IS A PAIR OF UNDERPANTS
AND THE TOP SIGN YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR IS
1 THE FAX FILE IS FILLED WITH PICTURES OF SOME GUYS ASS

The Pope and one of the Cardinals were sitting around doing crossword
puzzles.

The Pope says, "Can you think of a four-letter word meaning 'woman' that
ends with the letters, U-N-T?"

The Cardinal thinks for a moment. "Why yes, father. That would be 'AUNT'"

The Pope laughs, "YES! Of course! ...ha ha ha..." (pause) "Got an eraser?"

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory.
That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest
invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While
being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more
between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the
middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely
professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father,
ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat
down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle
and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows:
"Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper
and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know
for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

Little Johnny was sittiing in class one day. On this particullar day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven
first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes
to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in
God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his
hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first
because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The
teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought,
"I'm not going to like this". "Little Johnny, which part of the body do
you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher
asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well,
I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet
up in the air and she said 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball
hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his
crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his
hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened
his pants, and she put her hands inside.. She began to massage his
crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied:

"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and
wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe
that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes
yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman
has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times
you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your
pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

~!~
A
Tale
of How the
Tradition of
placing Angels on
top of Christmas trees
came to pass............

It was supposed to be a happy time, but wasn't. Santa was really
p***ed. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs.
Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching
about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making
toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead
drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day
and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa
was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T
believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the
world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk and
my Elves are on strike. I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent
that %$@&({? Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?"Just then the Little Angel
opened the front door and stepped
in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas Tree. He says: "So,
Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?"
...and that is the Tale of How the Angel got to be at the top of the
Tree.

Submitted by Elena Shur An old man was sitting on a park bench by himself when a punk rocker came
and sat down next to him.

The old man started staring at the punk rocker, looking closely at the
brightly spikey hair cut that had been coloured in blues, red, greens and
yellow. He also was looking at the slightly hooked nose.

The punk swung around,"What are staring at me for asshole, ain't you ever
done anything radical in your life?"

"Well I fucked a parrot once and I was just wondering if you were my son!"

Q: What is the difference between a used rubber tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One is a Goodyear, the other one is a great year.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return

for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The
crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man
removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and
the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a
while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke
up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle".

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk

about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed
to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the
docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and
said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night,
the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and
they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to
Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A group of married guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
The youngest, concerned about keeping the fire burning at home asks,

"What do you guys do to drive your wives wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden
and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over
her
body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that makes her moan."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it
gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I climb outta bed
and wipe my johnson on the curtains. Drives her fucking nuts!"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The teacher had given the class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no
excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate)
or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with:

"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A bus stops and two obviously Italian type men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady seated
behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following :-

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again, Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come
once more.

"You foul mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."

"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."

This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was
cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.
Finally
one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship,
so
as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game, and a very
nice sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy went to Cindy
and
said, "I'm having this problem... Its kind of a guy thing, but I need to
ask
you a favor." Cindy said "Okay." The guy said "Can I borrow your
eyebrow
pencil?" and Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said "sure, you can
borrow my eyebrow pencil." The guy then said "Do you mind if I use the
eyebrow pencil to draw a mustach on you?" Cindy is getting a little
worried,
but says "Okay." Then the guy said "Can you wear some of my guy
clothing, I need for you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a
little
disappointed at this point, but says "Well I guess so." Then the guy
says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?" Cindy, very dejected,
says
"I guess not."

So the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says "Fred --
You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!!!"

Stashew walks into a singles bar, hoping to get a little action. After
about 15 minutes, he makes eyes at this gorgeous blonde across the way and
she makes eyes back. Finally he gets the nerve to go over to her and
strike up a conversation. After a good while of teasing and chatting, he
asks her if she wants to have sex. She says "No, I can't, I am on my
menstrual cycle.' Stashew replies,"Thats ok, baby! I'll follow you on my
Moped!"

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have
some fun?'."

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I
will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray
and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and
worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male
talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do
you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put
your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

There's this drunk staggering down the street with his car keys in his
hand.

He keeps staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally
detained by a policeman ...

PM: "What's the problem, buddy?"

DRUNK: "Someone stole my car! *hic*"

PM: "Where did you last see it?"

DRUNK: "It was right here on the end of my car key ..."

PM: "Uh huh. Did you happen to notice your fly is open?"

DRUNK: *Looking down at his fly* "Omigod officer! Someone stole
my girlfriend, too!"

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder
clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and
the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there
in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If
he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll
pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants
around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
better health plan."

A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he
sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow.
The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the
table.

The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, " do all the waiters
carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The waither answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and
he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables,
and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and
can be much more efficient."

Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse
me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were spending
too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other
end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I
simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash
my hands."

The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

There was once a Danish man and a Swedish man who lived next door to
each other. The Danish man owned a hen and each morning would look in
his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Swede's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the
Swede pick up the egg. The Dane ran up to the Swede and told
him that the egg belonged to himself because he owned the hen. The Swede
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finaly the Dane said " In my family
we normaly solve disputes in the following manner: I kick you in the
balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in
the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up
quicker wins the egg."

The Swede agreed to this and so the Danish man found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the Swede and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Swede
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Swede stood up and said " Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Dane said "Keep the fucking egg."

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so
good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the
man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then
he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll
give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot
my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know
what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Instructions for reading: READ IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT!

One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me
only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the
toliet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't
even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch!

Later, I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna
my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to
go to toliet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the
checkout and the man at the desk say, "Peace on you." I say piss on
you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound:

A Pit Bull, a German Shephard and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told
the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece
tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going
to put me to sleep."

The German Shephard said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and
now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old
woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front
of me, so I mounted her."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.

"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped."

"I'm glad" by Mike Avery


I'm Glad I'm A Man


I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!


I'm Glad I'm A Woman


I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

By: Mike Avery

"Farming" by David Smeigh

I was watching CNN International a while back and came across this funny
story.

It was just at the end of "CNN World News" when Jonathan Mann, the
anchor of the program, introduced a story about a farmer in New Zealand
who had an interesting technique for growing his tomatoes. He (the
farmer) in fact uses bras to make sure the tomatoes grow just right.
The farmer claimed that is the regular kind of bra that will help those
tomatoes grow just the way they should. No underwire will do, said he.

After the story was over the camera cut back to Jonathan sitting at his
desk at the CNN Headquarters in Atlanta. It was the end of the show and
at this point Jonathan was to introduce the upcoming news program. I
don't remember what it was called, but I remember that the anchor for it
was John Defterios.

So Jonathan looked into the camera, and with a straight face said, "Kind
of makes you wonder how he grows his cucumbers. And now to John
Defterios in London to tell us what is coming up next. John?"

John Defterios lost his cool, laughed out loud at first, and had a smile
on his face through the whole introduction of his show.

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the
government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is.
Oxford University allocated a budget of #500,000 for research. After 2
years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider
than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would
prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful
fertilisation.

Cambridge University spent #750,000 on a research programme that
lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because
it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This
would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent #2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10
minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the

This ship goes out to sea and starts to sink. Six people (1 woman
and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island.
After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really
lonely, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: each
man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for
one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes
on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth
week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man
every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first
week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week
it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad,
the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad, soooooo...on the
sixth week......

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They bury her.


A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the
highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you
take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she
starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy
staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl
is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are
trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch
with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the
road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP!
HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies,
"I'm sorry Miss, I am afraid he is in too deep".


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